BEST WIPES FOR AN ITCHY ADULT BUTT (AKA SWAMP ASS)

Purell Instant Sanitizer Wipes:

Stings a bit more than the T-paper. However these puppies are laced with a germ killing formula. Which is a plus when it comes to preventing the rash that plagues us after the excess poo is exorcised from our butt. Pack of 240 wipes goes for $39.99 on Amazon.

5 PRIMO CHINESE LETTERS TO TATTOO ON YOUR ASS

Next time you get high (off some illicit substance) and wander into your neighborhood tattoo parlor, keep this post in mind. Oh, and also remember that my post title is wrong. These are technically Chinese symbols, not letters. But hey, I’m an evil, bloated, materialistic Westerner (and New Yorker) – what do I know. Onto the tatts...

LOVE

LUCK

STRENGTH

HARMONY

STUBBORN

J LO ASS SURGERY PROCEDURE PERFECTED…WHEW!

by Jani Ogglin (NWM Staff Writer)

Women who have been less than bootyicious all of their lives now have a new surgical option. Goodbye plain old buttock implant augmentation, hello Brazilian Butt Lift. This incredible groundbreaking procedure will literally transform your flat butt into a JLO-esque work of booty art.

BBL BASICS:

Essentially you get two surgeries for the price of one. They lipo the fat out of your abdomen and do multiple injections into your butt. The tush is also lipoed to give it a properly contoured, sexy booty shape.

Average price for J LipO: $16000-$18000