ERGONOMICALLY CORRECT OFFICE FURNITURE TO HAVE SEX ON.

In this economic climate it is mighty hard to achieve true success in the business world. I’m not talking ‘bout the 6 figure Wall Streeters that share a secretary and have an office near the kitchen. I’m referring to the owners of these firms with the 7-ish figure salaries. The ones with the corner offices with fully stocked wet bars and marble encased bathrooms. The current titans of industry. Now if it was 1997 (dot com time) you’d be dealing with millionaires of ANY age. Today, I’d say the male biz heads have once again moved up to the silver hair age bracket. And if these masters of mercantilism want to have an indiscretion here and there at work (after hours) who am I to judge? They’re smart. They know what they are getting into.

What they probably don’t know is that even though they get that rush of adrenaline taking a secretary or 1^st yr. law associate right on the desk, later it will do a number on their 48-54 yr. old backs. HOWEVER, this is a problem that can easily be rectified if they furnish the office with the following ergonomically sound furniture.

OFFICE DELUXE ERGONOMIC LEATHER CHAIR ($309 @ Target)
Upholstered in fine Italian Leather
Designed with a high backseat to prevent accidental slippage
Extra thick cushions provide dual comfort and support
2 way (his and her) adjustable armrests
Imported

RTA OFFICE LINE 48” DESK– ROSEWOOD ($260 @ Amazon)
Tempered glass top offering a cool sensation to naked bottoms & backs
No raised edges to dig into spines
Solid wood frame with 1'' steel cross bars to handle a variety of weights
Easy to ensemble

JAPANESE 41” WINE / LIQUOR CABINET ($1995 @ Amazon)
Sturdy construction easily supports leaning encounters
Made from rich Grain Kiln dried Elm (does not stain easily)
Hand-rubbed matte finish (prevents chafing)
Designed to store all types of spirits and aphrodisiacs

HOW TO SPOT A KID PERSON AT THE OFFICE.

by Tom McConville   (NWM Staff Writer)

A guy who sits in the office behind me brought his 3-year old son into the office on Friday.  Which was cool, because it gave me another test sampling of a pseudo-sociological test I’ve been taking for some time now.

Simply put, I’ve been trying to find out how easy it is to spot people who have kids versus people who don’t. Further, I think it is also possible to judge – just from observation – people who want to have kids versus people who want nothing to do with them.

Now, for the sake of full disclosure, I will tell you I’m a parent. 3 times over. And I love them more than anything else on this earth. But I don’t expect anyone else – besides my wife – to feel the same way about them. So I’m going into this test objectively. I don’t like bringing my kids to the places I’ve worked because I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable in a place that has enough tension and headaches already.

But in those rare times I’ve been forced to bring one or more of my rugrats into my place of work, I’ve noticed that people have pretty much the same kind of reaction. Here now are the types of reactions I’ve discovered.

THE BUDDY. Sadly, I fall into this category. Whenever someone else brings their child in the office, I often go over and start talking with the kid as if he and I are old pals. There’s a lot of “Hey buddy, who’s you’re favorite Backyardagain?” and “Oh wow, you look just like Kai Lan”. Now, that can work in two. The first way is that the kid realizes you’re up to speed on all things Nick Jr. and so he or she will give you a wide berth. The second way is that the kid shuts down completely, because a) you are a total stranger b) you’re questions may seem a bit creepy if you’re not careful. Yeah, it’s a slippery slope.

THE FAWNER. Almost 100% of the time it’s a woman. Usually it is a mom, a woman with intense baby fever, or a twenty-something who’s “great with kids”. Now, the moms in this group can often just transform into Buddy speak, talking about different games, shows or things a kid these days knows. The baby fevers and twenty-somethings aren’t up to speed on those things, so they fall back on the standard, “oh you’re just soooooo  cute” and “I want to squeeze you” type of comments. Again, kids will either like the attention or give these women a look similar to the ones a young attractive guy will give when the lights go on at a cougar bar.

THE IGNORER. Again, no judgments on this one. But I’ve noticed many, many people simply refuse to acknowledge a kid’s presence within the office environment. Fact is, kids disturb the social order of a workplace, and for plenty of people, this disturbance is something that shouldn’t be tolerated. A large part of me is actually jealous of the Ignorers, because they are actually being honest in regards to their feelings.

I’m sure there are many other types. So if you have any you’d like to share, have at it.

 

NWM ULTIMATE TIME WASTER: PRO THUMB WRESTLING RING.

The real reason we were blessed with opposable thumbs. Turn a classic time killer into an all out main event with the Wild Hog’s Pro Thumb Wrestling Ring. Sturdy, portable design makes it the perfect travel game. Comes complete with flexible side ropes to keep all the action inside the ring. Spacious floor provides enough room for any patented thumb moves or slams. Grab it now for only $6.95.

I DOODLE INSTEAD OF PAYING ATTENTION AT WORK.

by Biz-Boy (NWM Staff Cartoonist)

Created Oct. 1st - 10:32am:

During an analytics call with the Florida branch. Someone mentioned they went bowling last weekend.

4 ODDBALL FACTS OF THE DAY.

Did you know…

1- An office desk has 400 times more bacteria than a toilet.

2- A headache and inflammatory pain can be reduced by eating 20 tart cherries.

3- A blink lasts approximately 0.3 seconds.

4- A one kilogram packet of sugar will have about 5 million grains of sugar.

I SURVIVED A URINAL TRIO AND LIVED TO TELL THE TALE.

by Greg Colfaz (NWM Staff Writer)

A big howdy from Cottonwood, Idaho. So the other day I had to do an errand for my boss. He needed some check (for some permit) dropped off at the Cottonwood Chamber of Commerce building. Easy sell for me, since I can’t stand jockeying the supermarket register at lunchtime. Especially when it’s 2 for 1 Tuna cans day. Thrillsville. Anyway, I get to the building and drop off the check no problem. I had about 4 cups of Chatterbox Cafe coffee in my system so I really needed a pit stop. I figured I'd go in the Commerce building bathroom. Walking in it looked to me like any other office park men’s room – 3 urinals, 3 stalls. Standard issue. I chose the last one of the left and went. In mid stream is when it happened. 2 coworkers walk in and they proceeded to heinously break the unwritten “guys at the urinal” code. They used the two next to me. A Urinal Trio! Unheard of, right? When 2 or more guys are at the urinals, you always have a 1 space buffer zone. Someone else comes in (with no properly spaced urinals), that person gets the stall. That’s just how it is. The middle stall should never ever be touched. Only on these 3 occasions is it kosher.

1. In a stadium (preferably after the beer cut off in the 7^th inning or 3^rd quarter).
2. Rock concerts (during the drum or guitar solo)
3. Bar men’s room pee trough (Wiki it)

WE SHOULD ALL WAKE UP LIKE MICHAEL SCOTT!

“I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me.”

A memorable quote/ scene from The Office. We see Michael Scott angrily displaying his homemade air-cast to the cameras. The injury had occurred because Michael (like all of us) was trying to fulfill a lifelong dream of waking up to the smell of farm fresh, sizzling bacon. Seems like this should be filed under fiction, right next to Marty McFly’s hoverboard (ala Back To The Future II). Not so fast. The brilliant minds of Matty Sallin, Daniel Bartolini and Hsiao-huh Hsu have managed to make our dreams come true with the Wake n’ Bacon. How does it work? Simple. Place the bacon in the handy dandy wooden alarm clock/cooker the night before. About 10 minutes before you wake up the bacon starts to cook. Then PRESTO, at the desired time you are awakened to the delicious smell of bacon. Minus a leg burn.

NWM: For optimal results use one strip of bacon. [click here for full Wake n' Bacon stats]