PORN SURFERS LOVE TO SCREW GOOGLE ANALYTICS

Being the blog-star I am (NOT!!) I get this question a lot from female bloggers –

“I DON’T GET IT, WHY DO I GET A TON OF VIEWS, BUT NOBODY SPENDS TIME ON MY SITE?”

The simple one word answer is PORN!

Now here’s a bit more of a detailed answer. i-Dollars to e-donuts you probably get most of those two second blog glances late at night. WHY? Because men (myself included) are porn surfing pigs. I compare it to Magellan the explorer. Sure he knew he was going to sail around the world. But truthfully, Magellan wasn’t sure what to expect. Same when it comes to guys masturbating. The goal is to get our rocks off, but we’re not sure how that’s going to happen. We just type in a few words in google, and off we go on our sinful odyssey.

“BUT MY ARTICLES ARE INNOCENT!!”

Is usually what a woman blogger might say next. And to that I say – NOT REALLY. I use my blogger bud Ally (Fourth Grade Nothing) as an example. She wrote an article on a boy band that gets a ton of hits and views. Now while I’m sure most are from her loyal fans, some are also from porn seekers. Here’s what I bet they (horny guys) wrote in the Google search page that brought them to Ally’s article…

Boy band busty groupies

Boy band Britney pics

Boy band concert pics of busty girls

Boy band backstage hot girlfriends

Of course when they get to Ally’s blog they realize there’s no porn on it, and quickly journey onward. BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WRITE, A GUY HAS USED THOSE SAME WORDS TO SEARCH FOR PORN.

On behalf of the males, I do apologize. But just so you know, we ain’t changin’ our stripes...ever. If there is free porn on the web we will seek it out, no matter which blogs get in our way. Harsh fact of blogging life I know.

God Bless.

CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN WHY 742 GERMANS ADORE ME?

THIS IS TOTALLY MY OPINION…

In the short time of being a part of a blog community, I’ve found only one thing to be a bit of a taboo subject. Viewers. People don’t readily offer up that stat to other bloggers they’re close with. Telling friends and family not of this blogging world is totally a different story. I just think the successful viewer-magnets don’t like to come off as being a braggart to bloggers just starting out. And that’s why I like this ever-growing group. It’s not just made up of some really talented writers, but supportive, nurturing people that are decent human beings as well. Sorry to schmaltz-out.

NOW ABOUT THOSE GERMANS…

Ok, well not quite yet. Before I get to the Germans I will tell you that as far as viewers go, I do ok (thanks to a lot of my new found blogging buds). I’m just starting out so I’m NOT even close to 1000 daily views. Though I don’t know about you guys, I’d consider signing a contract from a certain ruby-skinned, horny individual to achieve that goal. [For another post.]

So back to the 742 Germans…

A while back (Jan. 6^th, 2010) I had a post that was simply titled – MODERNISH CUBICLE WARFARE. It pretty much dealt with cool toys that shoot stuff at coworkers. That’s it. As far as viewers go, the article did ok. Then like other posts it became just another tiny pebble on the giant superhighway. Of course all that changed this past Monday (Feb. 1^st). My google analytics showed that the article had 1,542 page views! And Tuesday netted me 507 PVs!

All of ‘em came from this one German forum, Call of Duty & Modern Warfare Community. FYI…for those that don’t know, Call of Duty is a popular video game series.

At first I was I was psyched. I mean over 1000 eyes on my article alone. Awesome right? Yeah, well that feeling was short-lived as soon as I discovered the average time spent on the article – a whopping 5 seconds. So yes, it pretty much means that yours truly is reaping the pseudo-benefits from some sort of e-mistake.

ANY CLUES?

Not a one. The site is in German so I can’t find my post. The only thing I can possibly assume is that my title (MODERNISH CUBICLE WARFARE) might coincidentally have the exact same wording as a post subject for one of the more popular gaming tips on the site. Other than that I got nothing, but 742 empty views. Help? Anyone?

Oh, and for those keeping score, the most views came from the following German cities…Berlin, Hamburg, Nuremberg, Munich and Essen.

Auf Wiedersehen! [means Seacrest Out!]

P.S. I was going to make some joke about Hasselhoff comments, but Lisa beat me to the punch. Well played Party Girl.

BLOG FOLLOWING SLUT READY TO SETTLE DOWN WITH DAILY DOSE OF REALITY.

by One Hungry Jew (NWM Staff Writer)

If you read my last “SLUT” post you know ‘round here at the NWM office our code is to follow any blog that follows us – no matter what. It’s a mantra that’s tacked on the wall right next to a black & white picture of a shaved monkey (tastefully done). After that post I can still say I respect the code, however I’d like to modify the statement a bit. It’s not enough just to blindly follow, but to read the blogs as well. (go figure) I have and discovered some real gems you should be reading every day like TALES OF A FOURTH GRADE NOTHING, CHEYELLE OMAR, ENTER THE MAN CAVE, THE NON-REVIEW and the others on my link list.

The other blog I’d like to give a real shout out to is DOSE OF REALITY. It has received Mr. Chuck Norris’s stamp of approval so you know it’s worthy of a look.

WHAT YOU GET A DOSE OF…

The site is perfect for any Blog Following Slut In Training. D.O.R. follows all the blogs for you and reviews ‘em. And by review I don’t mean the obligatory “funny blog check it out” coffee shop post, but a decent deep dive. He even interviews the bloggers themselves. It’s a great "get the word out" tool. From the looks of it, the owner isn’t after the big Mashables and Huffingtons of the world. Just us blogs of a 1-3 google page ranking nature. So if you’re looking for a good read & review site or a possible promotional partner check out DAILY DOSE OF REALITY.

The blog for us little bloggers and superstar Chuck Norris.

IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN GET THIS POPULAR GUY TO GET ME PREGNANT?

This is a perfect example of why certain things should NOT be based on public popularity. Try this…

Go to google.com

Type the words “Is there” in the search bar area.

Since google utilizes predictive text technology you’d expect the #1 completion of those words would be ­– Is there a God?

NOPE.

That‘s #2, right underneath the above “preggo” question. I assume this is due to the fact that their predictive text technology is one of those things based on search popularity. So we can all take the blame for this one.

Just something to ponder and to bow our heads in shame.

I DOODLE INSTEAD OF PAYING ATTENTION AT WORK.

by Biz-Boy (NWM Staff Cartoonist)

Created Oct. 1st - 10:32am:

During an analytics call with the Florida branch. Someone mentioned they went bowling last weekend.