IF YOU HAD TO KILL AND EAT A YO GABBA GABBA CREATURE, WHICH ONE WOULD IT BE?

You’ll note I said creature. There’s not a chance I’d eat DJ Lance. That’d be pure savagery. So back to the “EATING A YO GABBA GABBA” scenario.

Imagine if you will a giant room. In this room is one of these Russian mafia kingpins. And this is what he says to you…

IVAN: So, we ready to deal?

YOU: Yes, I’d like to…

IVAN: Time for you to speak is over! You shut up and listen! The deal is this. I erase all your gambling debts. You will owe me nothing more.

YOU: That’s great, what do I need…

IVAN: Quiet! I'm not finished. I erase all debts if you do dis one thing for me. You must eat one of these…these things (points to a large red curtain). NOW Yuri!

The curtain drops. You see all the YO GABBA GABBA characters chained up.

YOU: Christ almighty.

IVAN: Plan is simple. You kill and eat one with a knife. I record the whole thing. I sell it on DVD and make millions. You get your freedom. I get rich. We all win. Now choose.

SO WHO’S IT GONNA BE? Muno, Foofa, Brobee, Toodee and Plex

Give up? The answer is pretty simple. I’ll even show my work.

PLEX: No way can you digest a robot. PASS.

TOODEE: The meat of cat-like creatures are extremely hard to chew.

FOOFA: Pretty sure it’s a female and it looks very human. NOT.

BROBEE: My runner-up. It looks like a cross between a zebra and a chicken. I just wouldn’t be a fan of the hair getting stuck between my teeth.

MUNO: Winner – Looks like the result of a lobster and squid mating. If the Russian czar would allow it, I’d steam Muno up and enjoy it with some melted butter.

Delish? Or am I wrong?

FYI…this DVD is available on Amazon for only $12.99

THE PERFECT BEER FOR 8-10 YR. OLDS

It’s a toss-up whether the Hello Kitty Thong panties or the above brew wins for the most awkward import from Japan. Personally I give the nod to the latter. It’s called Kodomo no nomimono (translation: Children’s Drink). Good ol’ apple juice mixed with a couple of DNA strands of nonalcoholic beer. Sangaria (the producers of this stuff) felt this might be a hot sell for kids trying to mimic mommy and daddy. They even took it an extra step further by offering Kodomo no nomimono in bottles or cans. 乾杯!

It's never too early to prepare for Spring Break.

GOOD FOR YOU CHIP.

For those of you having a hard time placing the face, it belongs to the once famous kid actor – Frederick Koehler. He’s probably best known for playing Michael Keaton’s smart allec kid in Mr. Mom and Jane Curtain’s son (Chip) in Kate & Allie.

After the gravy train of cuteness came to a grinding halt Freddie could have gone the route of other kid sitcom actors (with minor roles). Drugs. Porn. Both. But nope, he persevered. And at the ripe old age of 35 (73 in Hollywood casting years), he’s still making a go at it.  Sure, he’s no CASTLE, but Freddie’s still a working actor. In fact, I’d say he’s landed his fair share of marquee commercial gigs. His biggest one is probably in those Fiber One spots.

Fred’s also still nabbing guest spots on top-rated series like Dexter, The Mentalist, The Nine, CSI, Saving Grace and yes, Castle. If you're still drawing a blank, I suggest you check out the best of Mr. Koehler on the entire run of Kate & Allie. Available on Amazon for only 15 bucks a season.

CLASSIC KOEHLER SCENE.

ASK NWM: HOW MUCH DO THE WIGGLES MAKE PER YEAR?

The Aussie fab four have been dubbed the greatest preschool rock band in the world. In 2007 the Wiggles raked in around 40 million bucks. One can assume they've probably experienced similar success in '08 and '09. Jealous much?

NEW VACCINE READY FOR 2010 COOTIE SEASON.

by Nameless Dad (NWM Staff Writer)

Just an FYI to all concerned parents - Cootie season will be a bit earlier in 2010 (January or February.) A variation to the vaccination will also be introduced to handle any possible new strain of the cooties virus.

ORIGINAL vaccine:
Circle. Circle. Dot. Dot. Now you've got the cootie shot.

NEW vaccine:
Circle. Dot. Circle. Dot. Yada, yada, yada.

This new vaccine should keep you from being Cootie Positive the entire season.

HOW TO SPOT A KID PERSON AT THE OFFICE.

by Tom McConville   (NWM Staff Writer)

A guy who sits in the office behind me brought his 3-year old son into the office on Friday.  Which was cool, because it gave me another test sampling of a pseudo-sociological test I’ve been taking for some time now.

Simply put, I’ve been trying to find out how easy it is to spot people who have kids versus people who don’t. Further, I think it is also possible to judge – just from observation – people who want to have kids versus people who want nothing to do with them.

Now, for the sake of full disclosure, I will tell you I’m a parent. 3 times over. And I love them more than anything else on this earth. But I don’t expect anyone else – besides my wife – to feel the same way about them. So I’m going into this test objectively. I don’t like bringing my kids to the places I’ve worked because I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable in a place that has enough tension and headaches already.

But in those rare times I’ve been forced to bring one or more of my rugrats into my place of work, I’ve noticed that people have pretty much the same kind of reaction. Here now are the types of reactions I’ve discovered.

THE BUDDY. Sadly, I fall into this category. Whenever someone else brings their child in the office, I often go over and start talking with the kid as if he and I are old pals. There’s a lot of “Hey buddy, who’s you’re favorite Backyardagain?” and “Oh wow, you look just like Kai Lan”. Now, that can work in two. The first way is that the kid realizes you’re up to speed on all things Nick Jr. and so he or she will give you a wide berth. The second way is that the kid shuts down completely, because a) you are a total stranger b) you’re questions may seem a bit creepy if you’re not careful. Yeah, it’s a slippery slope.

THE FAWNER. Almost 100% of the time it’s a woman. Usually it is a mom, a woman with intense baby fever, or a twenty-something who’s “great with kids”. Now, the moms in this group can often just transform into Buddy speak, talking about different games, shows or things a kid these days knows. The baby fevers and twenty-somethings aren’t up to speed on those things, so they fall back on the standard, “oh you’re just soooooo  cute” and “I want to squeeze you” type of comments. Again, kids will either like the attention or give these women a look similar to the ones a young attractive guy will give when the lights go on at a cougar bar.

THE IGNORER. Again, no judgments on this one. But I’ve noticed many, many people simply refuse to acknowledge a kid’s presence within the office environment. Fact is, kids disturb the social order of a workplace, and for plenty of people, this disturbance is something that shouldn’t be tolerated. A large part of me is actually jealous of the Ignorers, because they are actually being honest in regards to their feelings.

I’m sure there are many other types. So if you have any you’d like to share, have at it.

 

WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT FRED ROGERS.

by Eddie Winkle (NWM Staff Writer)

Mister Rogers' Neighborhood began in 1968. In total, Fred had 895 beautiful days in the neighborhood. Each and every afternoon kids knew like clockwork Mister R. would come home and slip into his sneakers and cardigan and take them on a journey to make believe.

Here are some little facts you might not know about this icon of children's television.

Mr. Rogers composed all the music for the show and over 200 tunes.

He dropped out the Ivy League school Dartmouth to attend Rollins University to pursue a career in music.

Fred was color blind (couldn’t see the color blue).

He went to congress to lobby for funding for public television and to testify in favor of the use of the VCR to record television programs.

Mr. Rogers gave Michael Keaton his first big break, by letting him help with the puppets and the trolley.

He was an ordained Presbyterian minister.

Fred was from Latrobe, Pennsylvania.

All the puppets and characters were named after real people in Fred Roger’s life – Queen Sara (his wife) and Mr. McFeely (his maternal grandfather.)

THE PLAY-DOH DIET

by Joshen McEwen (NWM Staff Writer)

I took a trip down memory lane today. Cracked open a tub of Play-Doh and began molding my little fingers away. In mid-squish of a florescent green color I suddenly wondered exactly what the hell is Play-Doh. Thanks to the miracle that is Google, I ultimately came up with the answer. Play-Doh is like 90% food product and best of all, non toxic. This led me down a whole new rabbit hole. What would happen if I took up an all Play-Doh diet? It shouldn’t kill me. Over the 50 years Play Doh has been in circulation it’s been a part of many a child’s diet. I want to know if I eat Play-Doh for a year straight will it sustain me? It has starch and salt, so it’d be like living on Top Raman noodles...just like college. As you'll see for yourself, the two differ by only one ingredient...not including the florescent coloring. Freaky.

Ingredients:

Water

Starch-based binder

Retrogradation inhibitor

Salt

Ingredients:

wheat flour

salt

water

kansui

ANGRY RETIREE OP-ED: PRETZEL STICKS ARE A GATEWAY DRUG.

by Barry S. (NWM Staff Writer)

I see it all the time when I take my daily walk to the corner grocery store for skim milk. Tiny kids sitting in shopping carts, snacking on those mini-pretzel sticks. Some are just chomping away. While others are pretending these snacks are like cigarettes. So there they are, puffing on their imaginary cigs. And 5 years from now I’m sure these same kids are going to be teen-punks smoking like chimneys on the same corner. Smelling up the area. Littering the place with butts. In fact my neighbor (with a PC) confirmed my fears. He said he found some study that did link smoking to playing with candy cigarettes or pretzel sticks as kids. 22% of smokers admitted to it in this survey of 25,887 U.S. adults. Personally, I think parents should think twice before handing their kids any food in stick form like breadsticks, pretzels and of course candy cigarettes. Carrot sticks I’m not so sure.

EBAY ODDBALL FIND: ROADTRIP GAME – CAR-I-OKE!!

Now you can prevent back street driving and kill time all at once. A must for car trips, it’s All American Car-i-oke! Your winning bid will reward you with a music CD and 3 lyric booklets for 15 popular songs. Great for kids of all ages, except angry teens that didn’t want to go on the car trip to begin with.

Click here for more details.