BINGE DRINKING BOARD GAME OF THE DAY

PASS-OUT – Players roll dice and land on spaces that correspond to different challenging tongue-twister cards. Recite it right, you get the card. Collect 10 cards and you win the game. $59.99 @ Amazon.

MY FAVORITE, FAVORITE DOG HUMPING TOY for under $20

I don’t know about you guys, but every time I see a dog make love to a couch leg it brings a smile to my face. I can only imagine the expression your child will have when they rush to their presents Christmas morning and unwrap a cuddly canine in the “let’s get it on” position. And with a little help from your favorite NY, Jewish, Christmas elf I can make that a reality for under 20 bucks.

SQUIRT THE HUMPING BULLDOG

Just attach Squirt to any leg, then squeeze his foot, and you’re off on a humping adventure. Costs only $15.99 @ 1ofakindstuff.com

70s TOYS OR TORTURE?

Technically some of these toys are from the early 80s. However, that doesn't make them any less torturous.

SIT ‘N SPIN – The object, twirl yourself around as fast you can. Sorta like your own personal Disney Teacup ride (except you had no operator limiting the speed). Made of sturdy plastic so it pretty much worked on any shag carpet. Doubled as a super safe, spinning sled in the blizzard of ’77.

BLIP – The ancestor to Pong. Wind it up and a red light shoots across the screen. To make the blip return to the other side, all you need to do is push the correct numbered button. Do it again and again, with no food pellet in sight. Made car trips a wee bit more fun than staring out the window at moving trees or bugs dying.

SIMON – 9 volt battery charged game of Simon Says, except with 4 colored lights and Close Encounters-type sounds. No bossy neighborhood kid needed. Not sure of the lasting effects of staring at blinking lights for hours on end.

KER-BANGERS – Remember that weapon David used to smite Goliath? Now imagine that as a toy, Ker-Bangers. Not sure how the manufacturers could guarantee “safe play” when you were swinging and smacking two Lucite balls inches from your nasal cavity. Though it is safe to say I lost my "nose bleed" virginity to this toy.

HEY MOM BLOGGERS! CHECK OUT THE TATTOO GUN FOR KIDS!

This Halloween give the amazing Toy Tattoo gun. I mean, what little girl wouldn’t want to experience her least sober moment in life, before age 4? No brainer, right? Kit comes complete with an electronic gun, stencils, washable ink, and loser boyfriend name suggestions (for the perfect ex-lover tat.)

REST EASY MOMMY BLOGGERS! YOUR KIDS AREN’T SCREWED UP IF THEY LIKE TO MICROWAVE BARBIE.

Porn surfing tip #24: If your keyword search includes the name BARBIE, you might actually get content that pertains to the doll, and not a bubbly, enhanced stripper. Found out first hand at approximately 12:34am last night. And actually I was glad I did. The 2005 Associate Press article was quite the read. It was all about the meaning behind kids torturing their Barbie dolls.

Apparently UK researchers from the University of Bath surveyed 100 kids about toys in general. What they found was that the children had strong negative reactions (hatred, violence, etc.) to Barbie. The top tortures the kids admitted to were shaving her head, decapitation, burning, and my personal favorite – microwaving.

Now if you (mommy blogger) caught your little one nuking Ms. Blond Ambition you might think you’d need to reserve a space on a doc’s couch stat. However, Bath researchers disagree. They simply see it as a sign of an older child using their imagination to discard an “excessive commodity” they have no use for. Not unlike when fat, lazy Americans crush empty beer cans. The Brits’ words, not mine.

HELP AMERICA’S FAVORITE NATURAL BLONDE (WITH A PLASTIC HEAD) FIND A JOB.

by Jani Ogglin (NWM Staff Writer)

VOTE FOR BARBIE’S NEXT CAREER. Saw that on the side of a bus while walking my Yorkie. My heart skipped a beat. I finally found something I had in common with the most popular girl on the planet. I too am unhappy with my career of choice and would love a fulfilling change. Of course while I have to suck it up and deal with combing through 100s of job ads on craigslist and Monster, Babs has the whole world looking for her. Though in her defense she’s had over 120 careers. So that probably merits some sort of kudos. Right now the Barbie job paths you can vote for are environmentalist, surgeon, architect, computer engineer and news anchor. But before you make your “best educated” decision it’d probably be a good idea if you took a gander at her resume to date.

BARBIE JOBS

Art teacher (2002)
Spanish language teacher (2001)
Sign language teacher (1999)
Elementary school teacher (1985 – 2006)
Swim teacher (2005 2008)
US army officer (1989 – 1992* Desert Storm)
US air force pilot / Thunderbirds (1990, 1993)
US Marine officer (1991)
US Navy officer (1991)
Paratrooper (2000)
United States President (2000)
Presidential candidate (1992, 2004,2008)
UNICEF Summit diplomat (1990)
Ambassador for world peace (1986)
Firefighter (1995)
Police officer (1993)
Life guard (Baywatch 1994)
Canadian Mountie (2005) (in Canada)
Astronaut (1965, 1985, 25th Apollo 1994)
Flight Attendant (American Airlines 1973-75, Flight Time 1989)
NASCAR driver (1998)
Pilot (1990)
Stewardess ("American Airlines" 1961-64, "Pan Am" 1966)
Babysitter (Barbie Babysits 1963)
Ballerina (1961-present)
Business executive (1984)
Cowgirl (1981)
Chef (1996)
Fashion Model (1959-present)
Paleontologist (1997)
McDonald's cashier (1983)
Starfleet officer (2000)
Soda fountain waitress (Coca Cola Series 1998)
See's Candy cashier (2002)
superheroines
Designer (2008)
Hair Dresser (2008)
Photographer (???)
Artist (???)
Child photographer (???)
Dance teacher (???)
Guest editor of international fashion magazine (???)
Veterinarian (???)

HOW’S THAT HOVERBOARD COMING?

by Biz-Boy (NWM Staff Writer)

Here we are spitting distance from 2010 and STILL no Hoverboard? Actually that’s not quite accurate. Truth is you have the ability to create all kinds of “toys of tomorrow” thanks to futurehorizons.net. It’s a site that lets any mad genius inventor sell their patented plans to the public. Instructions for jetpacks, bionic-suits, laser guns and time machines are all available, now at 50% off. Though be warned, I seriously doubt any these plans are available at a “For Dummies” level of comprehension. Cases in point…

HOVERBOARD DESIGN NOTES ($17.50): An incredible look at future hoverboard developments and how they will work. Info on Building a magnetic containment field capable of containing a column of ionized air up to several PSI.

PSIONIC HELMET PLANS ($145): Construct a mind focusing/tuning helmet to be used for influencing others. Become a echno-shamen. Best used with our various electronic meditation plans. Very powerful! Now includes a crystal powered telepathic enhancer. PLEASE NOTE: The fully assemble ($490) version is sold out.

LASER PISTOL PLANS ($20.00): Build this low power simulated laser gun without expensive ruby rods or bulky high-voltage equipment. Can be built by the average high-school student. Laser is very low power and is intended as a science project to learn concept of lasers. Output is less than a typical laser pointer. We do have higher power lasers listed below for the serious experimenter.

TIME TRAVEL MACHINE ($30): Contains schematics and diagrams of various devices such as the Biotronic Oscillator and Atlantean Generator which can be used for physical and out of body time travel! Also contains information on constructing an artificial grid point. A grid point is necessary for physical time travel to occur. Also contains experiments using the Hyperdimensional Resonator and other easily constructed parts to travel physically in time.

WHORE TOY OF THE WEEK

Mattel's Barbie's Digital Nail Printer.

Ok, whore might be a bit strong for this Barbie entry into the tech world. Maybe a tad trampish. You be the judge. Little girls get to add 1000s of eye catching "sexy" nail designs by way of this pink printer. Works with most PCs. Oh and when your little one is done with the design she can show it off to the whole Internet world (thanks to the built in video camera). Only $179, mom.

TRAMP STAMP BARBIE? OH NO SHE DIDN’T.

by Janni Ogglin (NWM Staff Writer)

Started trolling Amazon the other day for X-mas presents for my niece. My older sis said she’s totally into dolls now. Naturally my first instinct was to check out the mecca of all dress-up dollies, Barbie. Now, I fully expected to see Barbie's look updated with a Bratz-style makeover. However I kinda felt Totally Stylin' Tattoos Barbie also treads a wee bit in the whore category. The concept behind this doll is you can add tattoos to her. Gee let me think how that ends up. It's a Tramp Stamp gimmee. I mean, what’s the first thing all little girls do with their b-dolls during unsupervised playtime? Strip her down and chop off her hair with the scissors. Add tats to the mix and you got the perfect recipe to stunt a growing self-image. 

THE PLAY-DOH DIET

by Joshen McEwen (NWM Staff Writer)

I took a trip down memory lane today. Cracked open a tub of Play-Doh and began molding my little fingers away. In mid-squish of a florescent green color I suddenly wondered exactly what the hell is Play-Doh. Thanks to the miracle that is Google, I ultimately came up with the answer. Play-Doh is like 90% food product and best of all, non toxic. This led me down a whole new rabbit hole. What would happen if I took up an all Play-Doh diet? It shouldn’t kill me. Over the 50 years Play Doh has been in circulation it’s been a part of many a child’s diet. I want to know if I eat Play-Doh for a year straight will it sustain me? It has starch and salt, so it’d be like living on Top Raman noodles...just like college. As you'll see for yourself, the two differ by only one ingredient...not including the florescent coloring. Freaky.

Ingredients:

Water

Starch-based binder

Retrogradation inhibitor

Salt

Ingredients:

wheat flour

salt

water

kansui

TOP TOYS TO ANNOY THE PISS OUT OF CO-WORKERS.

by Biz-Boy (NWM Staff Writer)

‘Tis the season when workdays seem to drag. No more summer Fridays. Weather is blah. And it gets dark at like 3:02pm. Pretty much the only thing left to look forward to is some good ol’ fashioned “annoy your co-workers” time. If you're stuck for ideas, here are some cutting-edge, annoying products to help you accomplish just that with minimal effort. Courtesy of Thinkgeek.

ELECTRONIC ROCK GUITAR SHIRT

Perfect for casual Fridays. Rock the halls and the community kitchen with a tshirt that actually plays electric guitar chords. Even comes with an amp that goes to 11. No joke! $29.99/Thinkgeek.com

ELECTRONIC PAPER BOX OPENER KEYCHAIN

It’s a keychain that makes that “tearing open a package” noise. Use it in meetings to humorously show how excited you are about something. Use 500 more times to show people you just can’t let the same joke go. $7.99/Thinkgeek.com

SCREAMING MONKEY SLINGSHOT

There’s nothing like starting the day with a fresh cup of joe and being hit square in the face with a screaming monkey. At first glance this looks like a simple stuffed animal for the desk. Though when you grab its hands and pull, you now have a deadly accurate monkey slingshot. As an extra bonus the monkey lets out an ear piercing scream of delight when flying through the air. $6.99/Thinkgeek.com

70s TOYS OR TORTURE?

Technically some of these toys are from the early 80s. However, that doesn't make them any less torturous.

SIT ‘N SPIN – The object, twirl yourself around as fast you can. Sorta like your own personal Disney Teacup ride (except you had no operator limiting the speed). Made of sturdy plastic so it pretty much worked on any shag carpet. Doubled as a super safe, spinning sled in the blizzard of ’77.

BLIP – The ancestor to Pong. Wind it up and a red light shoots across the screen. To make the blip return to the other side, all you need to do is push the correct numbered button. Do it again and again, with no food pellet in sight. Made car trips a wee bit more fun than staring out the window at moving trees or bugs dying.

SIMON – 9 volt battery charged game of Simon Says, except with 4 colored lights and Close Encounters-type sounds. No bossy neighborhood kid needed. Not sure of the lasting effects of staring at blinking lights for hours on end.

KER-BANGERS – Remember that weapon David used to smite Goliath? Now imagine that as a toy, Ker-Bangers. Not sure how the manufacturers could guarantee “safe play” when you were swinging and smacking two Lucite balls inches from your nasal cavity. Though it is safe to say I lost my "nose bleed" virginity to this toy.

NWM ULTIMATE TIME WASTER: PRO THUMB WRESTLING RING.

The real reason we were blessed with opposable thumbs. Turn a classic time killer into an all out main event with the Wild Hog’s Pro Thumb Wrestling Ring. Sturdy, portable design makes it the perfect travel game. Comes complete with flexible side ropes to keep all the action inside the ring. Spacious floor provides enough room for any patented thumb moves or slams. Grab it now for only $6.95.

COOL FOR THE CUBICLE.

by Biz-Boy (NWM Staff Writer)

Here’s a trifecta of timewasters and sheek geek deco for the cubicle.

CUBICLE PLAYSET ($12.99): Now it’s your turn to play boss of a mini 9-5er (Bob, Ted or Joe). Toy cubicle comes complete with everything you need to design a tiny slice of classic corporate culture – walls, desk, chair, file cabinet, in/out box, phone, computer, sticker decorations and office slacker.

FINGER DRUMS ($24.99): Put down that makeshift pencil / coffee cup instrument and pick up some real mini drums. Set features 5 touch sensitive percussion sounds. The bass drum even has a working finger pedal. Each drum also has colored blinking lights, perfect for an impromptu cubicle concert. 3 AAA batteries included with purchase.

STAR WARS R2-D2 TRASHCAN ($99.99): This is the droid you’re looking for…when it comes to office waste. The R2 trash can is the perfect cubicle compliment for any out-of-the-closet geek. It stands 24” tall and has an easy to operate flip-top (way better than any Death Star trash compactor).

INSTEAD OF BASEBALL WATCH DEATH OF A CABBAGE PATCH KID.