GREENLAND SCIENTISTS CREATE FIRST SELF-REPLICATING WIENER

Dr. Kraus Volstalb and lifelong partner Dr. Helmut Gratunbarg reported the incredible news to Genome Science Quarterly earlier this week.

“We are elated that our years of experiments and research have finally paid off,” proclaimed Volstalb.

Helmut went on to discuss the ramifications of the self-replicating discovery.

“Hotdogs are just the beginning, we are now in the stages of trying to replicate simple organic entities like grains and vegetables. Our goal is to help cut food bill costs, plus feed third world nations.”

WHAT IS THE MULTI-WIENER?

It’s the next level of cloning. Essentially the hot dog is combined with an amoeba on a cellular level. Introducing this parasitic-protozoan into the hot dog’s genetic makeup literally gives it the ability to split and self-replicate.

HOW IT WORKS

You simply leave your multi-wiener on the plate. The oxygen will then causes the wiener to reproduce a perfect genetic copy of itself. Within 2 hours you will have 6 to 7 wieners ready to cook. So far the only drawbacks is the pinkish hue the dogs exhibit. Other than that they taste like the real thing and are perfectly safe to ingest.

WHY YOU WON’T SEE THIS HOT DOG AT A 4^TH OF JULY BBQ

Religious activists are already lobbying against this type of research to be started in the U.S. They feel it’s only a matter time before testing is done on embryonic subjects. No word If any legislation has come out of capitol hill, but political activists say this would fall in the area of  stem cell research. One of the most highly controversial areas of study that had been previously banned in the US.

ONE MORE THING…

Shortly after my posting I was lucky enough to receive a comment from an assistant on the actual research team. He offers up some pretty startling new revelations. Enjoy.

I PRESENT TO YOU THE ONLY EXAMPLE OF GOOD RACISM.

I am not a raging bigot by any stretch of the imagination. I live in a blue state. I’m a Jewish democrat.  And I like all types of music…including Country. Though recently I did find one blemish on my near perfect “can’t we all just get along” record. I call it RESTAURANT RACISM. Though I gotta be honest here, I really don’t consider this ideology a character flaw. 

SO WHAT IS RESTAURANT RACISM?

The belief that an eatery serving ethnic cuisine can only be considered good if people of that same ethnicity dine in that establishment

REAL WORLD EXAMPLE:

You’re walking down the street and spot a brand new Chinese restaurant. You’re hungry, but are not sure you wanna give it a try. However you do notice that there are a fair number of Asian Americans customers. Upon seeing this you don’t even bother reading the menu or googling the review on your iPhone. If Asian Americans are eating the food it has to be good.

WHY IS THIS GOOD RACISM?

You are making a flattering assumption about an entire race – Asian Americans will only eat good Chinese food.

WHY IS THIS BAD RACISM?

You are making a blind assumption about an entire race of people –  All Asian Americans have the ability to identify really good Chinese food.

So is this theory good, bad, or just taking valuable time away from you playing Snood?

FREEBIE FRIDAY: SOMETHING FOR NOTHING – FROM A BIG GIANT!

I’m about to do something no blog before me has ever attempted. I’m actually going to say something nice about Wal-Mart. Personally, I’m pro "mom & pop" stores all the way. However, recently while surfing the mega, super-smiley-faced Walmart.com (yes I'm that lame) I did find something that was kinda cool – The free trial & sample section. An area of the site that offers free trials on everything from music to paper towels to “quit smoking” gum. Is there a catch? Sure. That goes without saying in corporate America. Some of the samples are only available in store. And some you need to fill out a 5 hour survey (ok, more like 3 ½ hr) to claim your product-prize. But still, one can’t argue that the stuff is free. Yes, you’re probably getting a teeny-tiny size, but hey, it’s still a way to stick it to the MAN. Sorta.