SORRY TO BUG YOU, BUT I’M HAVING AN OLD PERSON MOMENT.

I know I’m not turning the big 40 ‘til December, but the oldness has already started seeping in my brain. I bought both of these watches a couple of months ago for pretty cheap. The top watch I got at Wal-Mart for 10 bucks. The one below it (Kenneth Cole) I nabbed at the mall for $30. Both are pretty snazzy. And yes I did manage to set the time and date. MY PROBLEM IS THE FREAKIN’ ALARM. Both of these timepieces will BEEP like crazy at random times of the day. FOR THE LIFE OF ME I HAVE NO CLUE HOW TO SHUT THAT %$#% FUNCTION OFF. Found this instruction manual (below) online, but it’s no help.

If anyone has the answer I’d be much obliged. HELP AN OLD PERSON OUT!!! PLEASE!!!!

PAUL BROGAN 2008 FANTASY FOOTBALL RAP VIDEO STILL HOLDS UP!

Using hip-hop to help fantasy footballers make their picks, that to me is a can’t miss hit-maker*. Especially after viewing this Paul Brogan’s 2008 diddy. He really tells it like it is, giving you straight up “Jimmy The Greek” worthy advice. All with a sample that harkens back to Dr. Dre’s Chronic days. Paul has also made cuts for the MLB World Series, the NCAA college bowls and the Olympics. No word when his 2009 debut will be hitting Wal-Mart.

* – sole opinion of a 38 yr. old Jew from Long Island – take it for what it's worth.

6 QUESTIONS FOR BILL THE RODEO CLOWN.

His name is Bill Raystead, but most know him as Scootie – The Rodeo Clown. He’s been working the PBR (Professional Bull Riders) rodeo circuit for over 10 years. Here are 6 things you might not know about his profession.

What is the main purpose of a rodeo clown?

We do make people laugh, but our main purpose is to distract the bull from trampling a fallen rider.

How do those wood barrels save you from a 3000 lb. raging bull?

Actually, most barrels today are made of heavy gage steel, lined with industrial foam rubber. We call it the clown lounge. We might get bumped around, but they ain't getting their horns through that barrel.

Do they have Rodeo Clown Insurance?

Unfortunately, no. Would you insure us?

So how much you make per show?

Anywhere from $100 to $225 a gig. That price varies, depending on traveling expenses.

Are there any Rodeo Clown awards?

Coors sponsors the “Man in the Can” award every year. It’s a pretty big deal with us clowns.

Watch a rodeo clown in action…

RECIPE FOR JOB SUCCESS – EXTRA SAGE.

Really annoying people that have really good jobs always say,

“The key to success is talent and a little bit of luck.”

These are the same people that were born into billions or have dads with last names like Trump Gates or Walton. Sorry, downed a double dose of the bitter pills after perusing my ’09 financial statements this weekend. Seems like in this economy you need to really up that luck factor. Even with respectable MBAs and law degrees, I have friends who are still having trouble finding career success. Of course if you’re Alison Yates (Wicca extraordinaire), all you need is the right magic tea potion to make all of your financial dreams come true. And here is the spell recipe. Free of charge. Oh, just a little BTW, before you start. For the Money Tea (that’s what she calls it) to take full effect, it must be made during the Waxing Moon phase. That’s supposedly when it looks like the moon is growing bigger in the sky. Ok, now that we got all that celestial stuff cleared away, here’s what you need to do – word for word.

MONEY TEA SPELL:

Place these dry herbs in a bowl:

3 teaspoons Mint 


3 teaspoons Sage 


2 teaspoons Rosemary 


1 teaspoons Thyme

Now mix them all together while thinking of wealthy, successful thoughts and recite this incantation 3 times …

“Mix and combine to bring to me. Abundant wealth for all to see!”

This blend should last you for 9 days. Or when the oxen cries to the one eye dove (didn’t really get that part). Each day you must pour a half a cup of boiling water over 1 teaspoon of the mixture. Steep the tea for 5 minutes, and add honey if you like. Then take a sip and recite this second incantation 3 times…

“As I sip this money brew. Bring money and wealth to accrue. Harming none and helping me. So mote it be!”

Repeat for the next 8 days, and drop me a line if it actually works.

FREEBIE FRIDAY: SOMETHING FOR NOTHING – FROM A BIG GIANT!

I’m about to do something no blog before me has ever attempted. I’m actually going to say something nice about Wal-Mart. Personally, I’m pro "mom & pop" stores all the way. However, recently while surfing the mega, super-smiley-faced Walmart.com (yes I'm that lame) I did find something that was kinda cool – The free trial & sample section. An area of the site that offers free trials on everything from music to paper towels to “quit smoking” gum. Is there a catch? Sure. That goes without saying in corporate America. Some of the samples are only available in store. And some you need to fill out a 5 hour survey (ok, more like 3 ½ hr) to claim your product-prize. But still, one can’t argue that the stuff is free. Yes, you’re probably getting a teeny-tiny size, but hey, it’s still a way to stick it to the MAN. Sorta.