TURN YOUR PET POOP INTO PAY DIRT

Just head on over to AgriSeek. 

Think of it as the Craigslist of Crap. The site lists producers and seekers of manure. Here are just some of the asking prices for the sh*t from a few of God’s creatures.

Rabbit Manure Pellets

Fresh made Rabbit Manure which is direct from My Pet Rabbits. No added or processed chemicals. Fresh Organic Supply. I will Deliver it straight to your door. Sold in bags. Service Fee and 200 Pellets is $10.00.

Chicken Manure Unlimited Supply

Trucking available @ $2.00 a mile per truckload. Cost of Manure varies depending on quantity. Can range from $60.00 to $80.00 a ton.

Decomposed Manure Old Horse Farm For Sale

I purchased a 30 years old horse farm and the decomposed manure has enriched the soil tremendously. i believe the soil needs to be cut. it may be too rich, but i want to sell it, i have 10 acres. i estimated the value at about 3.5 million dollars, but after the soil is removed i do have to replce it so i am open for negotiations.

COW TIPPING MYTH DEBUNKED.

MYTH: Cows are super easy to tip because they are deep sleepers and have a higher center of gravity.

REALITY: Cows are light sleepers that are easily disturbed if touched. As far as the gravity thing goes, the mass and weight of a cow is so great you would need 4 people to even attempt a successful tip. Assuming the cow was drugged into a coma.

NUDE ANIMAL THEATER

SOCIETY SAYS YOU CAN’T MAKE LOVE TO SHEEP, BUT I HAVE A PLAN.

Zoophiles (true lovers of animals) have a pretty bum deal in the US of A. Having sex with any animal is illegal in 30 states. The other 20 colonies are working on it. And it doesn't just end with lady justice. Getting caught in this lewd act (with sheep or whatever) would probably get you ostracized from the community. No family. No friends. No job. What is a Zoophile to do? True, they have the internet at their disposal, but that only goes so far. It’s like how us men like online porn, but really love strip clubs. Present company excluded of course. So if you're a Z-person yearning to fulfill similar urges here is a safe (and totally legal) alternative.

Step 1. Go online to sites like WWOOF (World-Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms) to sign up to volunteer at a nearby farm.

Step 2. Once on the farm be very helpful. Gradually earn the farmer’s trust and respect.

Step 3. After you’ve been there for a month, convince the farmer to give you a complete tour of the place – specifically the sheep pen.

Step 4. By 2 months the farmer should be ok with you working in the sheep pen by yourself.

Step 5. Also make sure you carefully observe and note the time when the farmer makes his daily trip to town.

Step 6. The next time he leaves, quickly run to the pen to get your mental image (DO NOT TOUCH THE SHEEP AT ALL). After the image is in place, use the bathroom to relieve your urges. Remember to keep the door (or stall) locked and tidy up when finished.

The important thing is you did nothing illegal, but still had a fun and safe day at the farm.

MEN WHO STARE AT AND GET TO 3RD BASE WITH GOATS.

by Nameless Dad (NWM Staff Writer)

SAME SEX MARRIAGE SHOULD BE LEGAL!! Couldn’t care less if men or women lay down with each other in greener pastures (or however the cryptic verse in Genesis puts it). Now man and beast…gotta side with the bible crazed pastors on this one. Though you’d be surprised to know that NOT every state in the union is in agreement. Sexual relations with animals is ONLY totally illegal in 30 colonies. The others treat the act as a misdemeanor. And even worse, there are 3 states that it’s still ok to go out (knock back a few cocktails) and have your way with a Shetland pony. I’m not one to name names (ARKANSAS, MONTANA & NORTH CAROLINA), but you know who you are. Not sure if that also includes marriage like in other parts of the world. Please note exhibits A, B & C.

2007: A Southern India man married a female dog in a traditional Hindu wedding ceremony. The 33 yr. old felt it was the right thing to do after stoning his two previous dogs to death.

2005: A 41 yr. old, UK woman married a dolphin. To make things right she did ask the dolphin’s trainer for permission first. Ceremony was held on a reef in Eilat, Israel. No word on who’s Jewish.

2006: A Sudanese man was caught having sex with his neighbor’s goat. As punishment for this heinous act, the man was ordered to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($75) to the owner and marry the goat. FYI…her name is Rose.

DUMBEST ANIMAL ON THE PLANET: THE GOLDFISH

If Mr. Google says it then it has to be true. Goldfish pretty much survive on their basic prime instincts. They also have a dismal memory. It clocks in at about 3 seconds. Then POOF, whatever they were thinking about floats right out of their head. In fact, their memory problem is the primary reason you have to be careful when feeding them. Goldfish can actually forget when they’ve had enough to eat. Not unlike with me at buffets with brisket and peel and eat shrimp.