SUNDAY MAGAZINE SPECIAL: Where does dead fishy really go when you flush it?

You might tell your kids it goes to fishy heaven, but you know that’s a lie. Though even if you said fishy goes right to the sewage treatment facility – you’d still be wrong. 

That’s right, 9 out of 10 fishies never make it that far. Sadly they end up stuck in the closet bend (the pipe leading out of the toilet). 

Why?

- The positioning of the pipe

- The fact that fish are only slightly denser than water

- A fish is neutrally buoyant (no clue what that means)

SO WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE SURE FISHY GOES TO THE SEWAGE TREATMENT PLANT TO VISIT THE OTHER DEAD FISHIES?

The easy solve is to make fishy heavier. So when your little one turns away from dead fishy shove 1 marble down its throat. 

This should weight your dead fishy down (when flushing) and send him (or her) happily on its way to sewage treatment land (fishy heaven).

HOW TO MURDER YOUR GOLDFISH THE RIGHT WAY.

Local fairs – A summer rite of passage. An army of freaks, barkers, and workers come in and take over some deserted field for a week. 

With it comes the stank of stale beer. Foods dipped in powdered sugar-coated cholesterol. Rickety rides that are lawsuits waiting to happen. And of course, the games of “skill” designed to lure adolescent boys with the hopes of winning a giant teddy for their date, but in reality get raped of their hard-earned allowance/lawn-mowing money. Oh, and lets not forget those games of chance. The most popular of which is the ol’ plastic duckies in the kiddie pool. Choose the right ducky and you win a prize.

What prize you ask? A delightful diseased goldfish for the kiddies. Most likely it won’t make it through the night. Though if your kid is one of the lucky ones he or she might be treated to a week with [insert fishy’s name] before it swims into the light. Now once fishy dies it’s no biggie. Simply drop it in the bowl. Flush. Wave bye-bye. Tell your little one it went to fishy heaven. Done. 


AND WHAT IF FISHY IS SICKY?
That kind of sucks for your kid to witness. Which of course will bring up a hornet’s nest of questions. Why is fishy swimming upside down? Why doesn’t fishy swim for the food? Is fishy dying? Can’t really help you in the answers department, but I can help you KILL THAT FISH in the most humane manner possible. From what I read flushing does not count as a proper way to euthanize fishy. Does swirling around in waste ‘n water to your doom sound like a great way to go to you?

THE RIGHT WAY TO KILL FISHY

It’s a lot easier than you think. Just follow these steps and your fishy will be able to painlessly pass on and meet its maker.

Step 1. Remove sick fishy from tank or bowl

Step 2. Place sick fishy in a cup of water.

Step 3. Add a half a bottle of Clove Oil (cost $3 online).

Step 4. Wait 24 hours for fishy to sleep with the um fishies.

Step 5. Make sure fishy is dead.

Step 6. Flush away fishy with a clear conscience.

HAPPY SUMMER!!!

DUMBEST ANIMAL ON THE PLANET: THE GOLDFISH

If Mr. Google says it then it has to be true. Goldfish pretty much survive on their basic prime instincts. They also have a dismal memory. It clocks in at about 3 seconds. Then POOF, whatever they were thinking about floats right out of their head. In fact, their memory problem is the primary reason you have to be careful when feeding them. Goldfish can actually forget when they’ve had enough to eat. Not unlike with me at buffets with brisket and peel and eat shrimp.