PERFECT JESUS ACTION FIGURE FOR EASTER BASKETS

Now your little ones can reenact the resurrection. Or just have the super son of God battle it out with the Romans, Judas,Barabas, and the Jews that sold JC out for the common thief.

G.I. JESUS: Packaging features REAL Bible quotes ($7.95 @ baronbob.com).

1 OF 30 REASONS WHY MATZO SUCKS!

I blink my eyes and Passover once again is about to creep up on me and throw that proverbial plastic bag over my face. Then the holiday will hold the bag tight ‘til my struggling body goes limp.

Actually, I’m making more of it than it is. To all you non-Jews out there that have never been to a Passover Seder – think Thanksgiving combined with rules and reading out loud. And of course zero bread or anything with yeast (stuffing, beer, etc.) Basically because some Jewish, Moses roadie didn’t know how to budget time very well, we’re stuck chompin’ on Matzo for 7 %$#% days. Ugh.

Here’s the first of 30 reasons of why I feel Matzo sucks.

#1: Matzo immediately shatters into crumbs when you spread anything on it, especially butter.

HOT OR NOT OR JAILED?

FYI….It’s freaky weird being a Jew in NYC on Easter morning. IT’S LIKE DAY OF THE LIVING JEW OUTSIDE. 

So I’ll probably just stay in and order Chinese food and surf the net. Actually, one gem I already found was 

[Click here to visit]

It’s the perfect site if you ever need a nice injection of “At least my life ain’t as bad as that guy”.

Essentially you scroll through mug shots of folks arrested from Phoenix and Maricopa County. And if you click on any photo the site features the reason for their arrest. Happy Easter!

GOOD FRIDAY? TRY GOOD ASS WHOOPIN’!

[Adult Swim.com] presents Bible Fight. Think Mortal Combat meets the Old and New Testaments. Cast of fighters include: Moses, Mary, Noah, Eve, Satan and of course, Jesus. Each game is a one on one 3 round battle. You win, you move on to fight another character. Along with the usual ass-whooping abilities (kicks, punches, knee to the groin, etc.), characters also have secret weapons. These powers relate to their biblical backstory, like Eve and her snake issues. Onward Christian soldiers to Adultswim.com.

Tip: Like Mortal Combat, the least likely candidates usually have the best powers, and are the most agile. Go with Eve or Mary (see below). Sorry J-man.

DONE WITH PASSOVER AND NOW READY FOR EASTER MONDAY

I'm all Passovered out right down to the very last shriveled up matzo ball (mom likes to roast 'em).  Now it’s back to reality and waiting anxiously for Easter Monday. 

Never heard of it? Why that’s the day where all the good girl and boy Jews of the world anxiously await the Holy Laboriosus (latin for coworker) to reward them with sweets from their Easter Sunday festivities. 

Sadly (due to a depressed economy and a more health conscious America) pickings have been kinda slim the last handful of years. Though I still remain hopeful – Gladis from accounting is expecting 40 people over her house this year. That means I got a decent shot at snatching up an Easter Basket of some forgetful, ADD kid. I shall pray this week for a Easter Monday Miracle Basket that has one (or both) of these sweet new additions.

GIANT BLEEDING HEART GUMMY CANDY

Loaded with gushing candy blood. Available in wild and sour cherry. Extra blood is included too. Only $6.99 at ThinkGeek.

CHOCOLATE ZOMBIE BUNNY

Not much to say except that it’s a brain sucking undead bunny made of white chocolate. Only $14.99 at ThinkGeek.

HEMP-TASTIC EASTER CUPCAKES

Get hippity hopped up on these sweet Easter treats made with a bit more than a smidge of Hemp. Perfectly legal to serve guests in 49 states.

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 c. Hemp flour
• 1 1/4 tsp. baking powder
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 1 c. sugar
• 4 tbsp. shortening
• 6 or 7 tbsp. Living Harvest Hemp milk (Tempt)
• 1/2 tsp. vanilla
• 2 egg yolks
• Green Frosting
• PEEPS®

DIRECTIONS (Makes 14 cupcakes):

Mix shortening and sugar; add Hemp flour, salt, and baking powder. Add egg yolk, Hemp milk and vanilla; mix well with mixer. Pour batter into lined muffin pan. Fill cups 1/2 full. Bake at 375 degrees for 20 minutes. Decorate with green frosting. Add a PEEP®. Serve. Enjoy.

10 THINGS I’M 62.8% SURE YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT PEEPS.

1- In 1953, just one PEEP® took 27 hours to make.

2- One PEEP® has just 32 calories and zero grams of fat.

3- A good percentage of PEEPS® connoisseurs like to eat them stale.

4- A week after Easter the annual PEEP® Off eating contest is held in Sacramento (first one was held in Maryland in 1994).

5- Dennis Gross set a record by eating 102 PEEPS® in 5 minutes at the 2003 PEEP® Off .

6- The folks at the Just Born plant churn out about 1 billion PEEPS® a year (works out to 4 million a day).

7- In 2009 Just Born introduced PEEPS® lip balm.

8- Americans consume about 600 million PEEPS® every Easter.

9- The Sears Tower in Chicago is 8000 PEEPS® tall.

10- In the late 1950s the wings were removed from the PEEPS® design.

EATIN' PEEPS®!!