CRAZY FOODS WHITE PEOPLE LIKE TO EAT.

IT’S FREE IF YOU SHOVE IT ALL IN YOUR MOUTH.

July 18, 1995. I remember it like it was yesterday. A Saturday afternoon that consisted of 3 recent college graduates (just shy a yr. out of school) sitting in my friend’s living room in Bayside Queens. We had not a thing to do. Outside was out of the question since it was a sweltering 93.4°. The internet thing hadn’t taken off, so surfing porn wasn’t even invented yet. We truly had zero on our plates until my friend (let's call him Jason) threw down the gauntlet. Here’s how I remember the conversation going down:

Jason: I bet I can finish 2 medium Pizza Hut® Stuffed Crust Pizzas.

Jesse: All at once?

Jason: Yep.

Barry: No ^%$^ way.

Jason: Guaranteed. If I don’t, I’ll…I’ll pay for the whole thing.

Jeff: F*ck this, let’s play Sega Hockey. Who’s in?

Jason: I’m serious!

Barry: Yeah sure, why not.

I won’t bore you with the saucy details, but suffice it to say, Jason did NOT conquer Mt. Stuffed Crust that day. Though P.S., he did win a food bet 5 days later when he finished a head of lettuce in 30 seconds.

Thankfully today in the continental U.S. you don’t need to wait for those optimum conditions to take on gargantuan gluttons for punishment. The following challenges are always ready, waiting and taunting.

CLINTON STATION DINER: 2 Bank Street, Clinton, NJ (908) 713-0012
Take on the ZEUS BURGER!! If you can finish this 7lb beefy beast in 3 hrs (or 1 ½ hours with friends) you get it for FREE.

SEIAD VALLEY STORE & CAFÉ: 44719 Hwy 
Seiad Valley, CA (530) 496-3399
The Pancake Challenge! Eat 5 lbs worth of pancakes in under 2 hours and the meal is on the house (and hopefully still in your belly).

GUS & PAUL’S: 1209 Sumner Ave. 
Springfield, MA (413) 782-5710 Bakery
The World’s Biggest Corned Beef Sandwich is waiting for you. With this $59.99 price tag you get 2.5 lbs of corned beef, 1 lb of Swiss cheese, 1 lb of slaw and 1.25 lbs of french fries. Finish it in 1 hour and you pay $0.

SUPER BOWL SNACK SPOTLIGHT: AN ONGOING, IN-DEPTH SERIES

SPRAY CHEESE. To be honest, this is a tricky delicacy. On the one hand spray cheese would make your party hosting life easier and cleaner. Just serve a canister (or three) with the crackers. No mess. Though I feel like at an adult SB party (husbands & wives over 28.5) they’d see it as a smidge white-trash-ish. Just my opinion.

IS THERE A PERFECT SPRAY CHEESE PARTY MOMENT?

Personally, I feel like the best time to serve “cheese in can” would be in a SB situation that consists of…

• 3 or less people
  
• All males
  
• All under 27 years of age
  

PERFECT SPRAY CHEESE ACCOUTREMENTS:

• 3 cases of beer (cheap domestic)
  
• 4 pizzas
  
• box of crackers
  
• canister of cheese (per person)
  
• slab of hard salami (with pen knife)
  
• jerky (any kind)
  

SPRAY CHEESE PERSONAL PICKS…

EASY CHEESE® (KRAFT): Hands down the best one. Has a smooth texture with a bit of a milder taste. My fave flavors our: American, Cheddar and Cheddar ‘N Bacon.

Cracker Choice: Blends well with the buttery, salty taste of original Ritz Crackers.

CHEEZ-IT® (SUNSHINE): Solid second choice. Definitely has a flavor that’s reminiscent of the Cheez-It crackers. I just feel like the cheddar taste here is a tad sharper.

Cracker Choice: Grainy texture of Triscuit crackers combines with the sharp cheddar flavor to create a complex, yet complete taste experience for the pallet.

BEST SPRAY CHEESE RECIPE TO ENJOY WHILE DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS.

SPRAYCHEESEWICH CRUNCH FIESTA

Ingredients:

• Doritos® Cool Ranch chips
  
• Kraft® Easy Cheese
  
• Kraft® Mayo
  
• Oscar Mayer® cold cuts (Variety-Pack)
  
• Wonderbread® soft roll
  

Directions:
Crush Doritos and add to roll. Pile on entire pack of sliced OM cold cuts. Spread on two to three generous dollops of Kraft Mayo. Spray on Kraft Easy Cheese (for at least 3 sec.) and sprinkle a bit more crushed Doritos. Serve with a Kosher pickle and enjoy.

THE BEST OF GERMAN ENGINEERING.

by Biz-Boy (NWM Staff Writer)

If you ever find yourself pounding steins at one of those German brew gardens (in the states or across the pond) do me a favor and check out the food menu. If they have wiener schnitzel ala holstein ORDER IT!! Though I guess I should preface that by saying, order it if you’re ok upping your cholesterol count for the day. Say by 50 to 100 HDL pts. To me it's totally worth the splurge. You start with a boneless breast of veal that's pounded thin. It's dipped in a mixture of breading, eggs, oil, salt and pepper. Then fried up in an uber-buttered skillet. And finally topped off with a sunny side up egg. The taste – pure Fahrvergnügen.

HOW THE PROs MAKE THE SCHNITZEL PART...

REDEEMING STUFF IN REALLY BAD FOOD.

Just ‘cause it’s junk food doesn’t mean it’s bad for you. Ok, well actually it does. Though deep within the deep-fried, sugar coated core of each of these guilty pleasures lies a teeny tiny glimmer of goodness. You just gotta know where to look.

FRIED CHICKEN:

Bad News: Loaded in the fat (53g) and cholesterol (285mg) categories.

Good News: A full serving of protein (102g) and zero carbs.

TWINKIES:

Bad News: High calorie (150) and cholesterol (20mg) count.

Good News: Decent amount of calcium (20mg). Lowish in fat (4.5g) and no trans fat.

BEER BATTERED FISH (COD):

Bad News: Ungodly amounts of fat (31g), calories (442) and cholesterol (98mg).

Good News: Very low in saturated fat. Also a good source of Niacin, Vitamin B12, Potassium, Protein, vitamin B6, Phosphorus and Selenium.

ODD DEEP FRIED FOODS.

Deep Fried Twinkie = 425 calories
Deep Fried Pickles = 174 calories
Deep Fried Butter = 1085 calories
Deep Fried Mars Bar = 932 calories
Deep Fried Cheeseburger = 5000 calories

NOT AS CRAZY FATTENING AS YOU’D THINK.

by Eddie Winkle (NWM Staff Writer)

MAC ‘N CHEESE BITES (calories 506 / fat 35.72 grams / cholesterol 0 milligrams / carbohydrates 34.02 grams)

BACON CHEESEBURGER PIZZA (calories 360 / fat 13 grams / cholesterol 30 milligrams / carbohydrates 45 grams)

PASTAMI ‘N CHEESE BURRITO (calories 754 / fat 30 grams / cholesterol 59.1 milligrams / carbohydrates 85.8 grams)

FRIED OREOS (calories 130.48 / fat 9.16 grams / cholesterol 9.05 milligrams / carbohydrates 11.21 grams)