FOREIGN FRIDAY

[Today’s language is Hungarian]

Tudod, néha egyszerűen nem kell semmit mondani, ami miatt én ezt trükk. Úgy értem, nem lehet minden nap. Tudom? Nem. 

Szóval csak írja értelmetlen, és remélem, senki sem kitalálja a trükk. Lennék annyira mérges, ha nem. Hú ez nekem.

Ezek ugyanazok az emberek, hogy született a milliárdokat, vagy apukák az előző nevek, mint a Trump, vagy Walton. Sajnálom, lezuhant dupla adagot a keserű pirula után perusing a 2011 pénzügyi kimutatásokban. Úgy tûnik, ebben a gazdaságban meg kell, hogy valóban fel, hogy a szerencse faktor. Még tekintélyes és jogi diplomát, 'N SYNC, Vannak barátaim, akik még mindig sikerül találni karrierje sikerét.

Szóval itt van ez a típusú, közel a lakásom. Őszintén szólva, hogy van egy csodálatos kiválasztását az alapvető élelmiszerek, mint a juice, tojás, kenyér, bla, bla, bla. És akkor ott van minden típusú japán galuska, tészta, tea, és egy óriási a választék a cookie-kat. 

Nagyjából az összes cookie-k azonos összetevő-bölcs - sütijük szereplő tejcsokoládé. És igen, amikor zümmögött semmi sem jobb, mint scarfing le egy doboz ilyen finom falatokat egy hideg pohár tejet.

CHRIST, I JUST HIT AN ANIMAL WITH MY CAR – SHOULD I SERVE IT FOR SUPER BOWL?

Hey, if you’re a super chef you can make anything taste like chicken. Though honestly, we both know that’s not the real issue. You’re worried that the freshly dead roadkill you just acquired might be too fattening for family and fellow fans. Well fear not, I have the answer to your critter calorie question.

STARVE A COLD OR BINGE A FEVER TO DEATH?

On Sunday afternoon I had the latter. I’m certain of it.  I felt achy, and had a slight temperature (99.6). So to help stop this raging sickness from polluting my body I ate a variety of nourishing foods like …

Hebrew National Bologna ($3.99 @ Big Apple Grocer)

4 -5 slices

Boar’s Head Oven Gold Turkey (not sure of deli counter price)

4 slices

Hellmann’s Dijionnaise ($3.59 @ Home Delivery Foods)

7-8 squirts

Loacker Dark Chocolate Quadratini (8-pack for $25.23 @ Amazon)

10 -12 squares

Hershey’s Special Dark Pieces (2 bags for $5.98 @ Miejer)

18 -24 pieces 

Chicken and Corn Egg drop soup  (sm. $1.85 @ Yummy House)

Half an Eggroll ($1.65 @ Yummy House)

Steamed pork/shrimp dumplings ($5.75)

8 dumplings

Skinny Cow Chocolate Fudge Brownie ($2.25 @ Home Delivery Foods)

... and a Pepto-Bismol chaser (for obvious reasons)

Please don’t judge. 

MY HOT NEW FAD DIET: FINGERING JARS

Hey, my diet pretty much does the same 3 things all those other flashy fad diets provide…

1. A viable way to get nutrients
2. Offers low calorie meal options
3. Helps with portion control

The hook of my diet is you’re limiting your carb intake. Which is pretty much the easiest way to lose weight – just like Atkins. The difference is you don’t have to ingest massive quantities of cholesterol-saturated red meats. Plus you hardly need to cook anything. As far as I cal tell, the only drawback of my JAR FINGERING diet is its NOT approved by any doctor yet (a minor setback that I intend to correct).

So here it is, the sample day menu. Enjoy.

BREAKFAST:

Generously finger Philly Whipped Cream Cheese container 4 to 5 times.

Enjoy a 1/2 a glass of orange juice.

Nutrition Info:

Fat: 8 grams

Calories: 225

Nutrients: Protein, vitamin A, C and Calcium

LUNCH:

Generously finger both Hellmann’s Reduced Fat Mayonnaise and Gulden’s Spicy Mustard 6 to 8 times. Wash everything down with a refreshing can of Diet Coke/Pepsi or sparkling soda.

Nutritional info (based on both jars):

Calories: 160

Fat: 8 grams

DINNER:

Have something sensible.

DESSERT:

Generously finger Cool Whip Free (and top with a squirt of Hershey’s chocolate syrup) 6 times.

Fat: 0 grams

Calories: 310

Beverage: Coffee (Sanka)

Nutrients: Fiber

HELP ME CHOOSE MY TRADITIONAL CINCO de MAYO DINNER.

To some, Cinco de Mayo is a day filled with mucho shots and chilly cervezas. I’d be lying if I said most of my 20s and early 30s weren’t spent paying tribute to the surprise 1862 victory of the Mexicans over the French army (and the porcelain Gods later). But to be honest I’ve always preferred to celebrate a different Mayo. One that is smooth, creamy and filled with egg ‘n oily goodness. THICK, RICH MAYONNAISE.

MOMENTS IN TRUE MAYO HISTORY.

1756 – The personal chef of Duke de Richelieu invents mayonnaise.

1905 – First time mayo is sold in the US at Richard Hellmann’s deli in New York.

1912 - Richard and Co. produce the first jar of Hellmann's Blue Ribbon Mayonnaise.

1976 – I had my first tuna/mayo sandwich for lunch (made by mom). I was hooked.

1981 – Made my first pure mayo sandwich when the babysitter had left the room to call her boyfriend.

1990 – Fingered my first mini mayo jar after getting drunk off Jell-O shots at a college party.

MY CINCO de MAYO CELEBRATION.
I celebrate it one way and one way only. I enjoy a sandwich or dish with 5 times the normal amount of mayo. Then I wash it down with a crisp Diet Pepsi®.

TRADITIONAL CINCO de MAYO DISH #1.
For me, a true ceremonial meal has been a Blimpie giant tuna sub with extra mayo. Then at home I usually add some more mayo in a bowl for dipping purposes. However, I have been known to enjoy other festive foods on this day. That is where you come in.

VOTE FOR MY CINCO de MAYO MEAL.
Over the next week and change I will share with you my absolute fave meals from Mayo days past. Your task is simple. On May 4th I WANT YOU to vote for the dish I shall devour. As a reward I will take pictures of my bloated 39 yr. old self (possibly shirtless) enjoying said feast. And to make it really worth your while, I WILL TWEET EVERY BLOG THAT VOTES FOR ME ON THAT DAY. How bitchin’ is that?

Stay tuned and stay full.

CRAZY FOODS WHITE PEOPLE LIKE TO EAT.

EAT THIS, NOT THAT (roadkill edition)

Just ‘cause they’re God’s creatures, doesn’t mean they’re all good for you. In fact, you’d be surprised to learn which critter is truly full of crap.

BEST COMPLEX CARBS TO ENJOY WHEN YOU’RE WASTED OR HIGH.

Whether you knock back a few (or 12) or partake in some other form of puffery, no judgments. Either way you'll need something to cure the oncoming sh*t feeling the next day. 

Originally, I was lead to believe (by some know-it-all at a kegger) that the best way to prevent a hangover is to scarf down foods containing complex carbs. He said it helps absorb the alcohol. Apparently Doogie was a bit off. The folks at WebMD say that complex carbs really help by speeding up the metabolism of all the beer and shots (of Jäger) in your body. The article also goes on to suggest some boring CCs to ingest (bran cereal, whole wheat bread sandwich, multigrain crackers, etc.) 

True there’s nothing wrong with those sensible choices. I just feel it kills one of the biggest reasons you decided to pollute your body in the first place. The way I see it, it’s similar to breathing. You don’t breath half the time. It’s something you’re 100% committed to. Same thing goes for a night of binge drinking. If you’re in, you’re in for the long haul (including the crap food feast at 2:22am.) Here are some of the nutritious and delicious delicacies you'll find in my belly after a night of beer binging.

KRAFT DELUXE MACARONI AND CHEESE DINNER

Good Source of Complex Carbs: macaroni

Serving Tip: Throw in some ground beef or tuna fish.

NATHAN’S MINI BAGEL DOGS
Good Source of Complex Carbs: bagel
Serving Tip: Add some shredded cheese and toss it in the microwave for 30-42sec.

SPAGHETTI Os®
Good Source of Complex Carbs: Spaghetti
Serving Tip: Can’t mess with perfection.

T.G.I FRIDAY’S: LOADED! CHEDDAR & BACON POTATO SKINS
Good Source of Complex Carbs: potato
Serving Tip: 8-12 dollops of sour cream on the plate should do the trick.