HELP AMERICA’S FAVORITE NATURAL BLONDE (WITH A PLASTIC HEAD) FIND A JOB.

by Jani Ogglin (NWM Staff Writer)

VOTE FOR BARBIE’S NEXT CAREER. Saw that on the side of a bus while walking my Yorkie. My heart skipped a beat. I finally found something I had in common with the most popular girl on the planet. I too am unhappy with my career of choice and would love a fulfilling change. Of course while I have to suck it up and deal with combing through 100s of job ads on craigslist and Monster, Babs has the whole world looking for her. Though in her defense she’s had over 120 careers. So that probably merits some sort of kudos. Right now the Barbie job paths you can vote for are environmentalist, surgeon, architect, computer engineer and news anchor. But before you make your “best educated” decision it’d probably be a good idea if you took a gander at her resume to date.

BARBIE JOBS

Art teacher (2002)
Spanish language teacher (2001)
Sign language teacher (1999)
Elementary school teacher (1985 – 2006)
Swim teacher (2005 2008)
US army officer (1989 – 1992* Desert Storm)
US air force pilot / Thunderbirds (1990, 1993)
US Marine officer (1991)
US Navy officer (1991)
Paratrooper (2000)
United States President (2000)
Presidential candidate (1992, 2004,2008)
UNICEF Summit diplomat (1990)
Ambassador for world peace (1986)
Firefighter (1995)
Police officer (1993)
Life guard (Baywatch 1994)
Canadian Mountie (2005) (in Canada)
Astronaut (1965, 1985, 25th Apollo 1994)
Flight Attendant (American Airlines 1973-75, Flight Time 1989)
NASCAR driver (1998)
Pilot (1990)
Stewardess ("American Airlines" 1961-64, "Pan Am" 1966)
Babysitter (Barbie Babysits 1963)
Ballerina (1961-present)
Business executive (1984)
Cowgirl (1981)
Chef (1996)
Fashion Model (1959-present)
Paleontologist (1997)
McDonald's cashier (1983)
Starfleet officer (2000)
Soda fountain waitress (Coca Cola Series 1998)
See's Candy cashier (2002)
superheroines
Designer (2008)
Hair Dresser (2008)
Photographer (???)
Artist (???)
Child photographer (???)
Dance teacher (???)
Guest editor of international fashion magazine (???)
Veterinarian (???)

6 QUESTIONS FOR A MALL SANTA.

HOW MUCH DOES A FIRST TIME SANTA MAKE?
Usually they start you at about $100 per hour.

HOW MUCH FOR THE VETERAN SANTA?
Somewhere in the neighborhood of $175 to 200.

ARE THOSE RATES STANDARD THROUGH THE WHOLE SEASON?
Christmas Eve and day you could get an hourly pay upwards of 300 bucks.

DO YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THE UNIFORM?
Yep. A good suit could run you anywhere from $500 to $1000.

HOW MANY DAYS ARE SANTAS NEEDED?
40.

SO MUCH CAN YOU PULL IN FOR THE SEASON?
If you nab a corporate gig or private party on top of the mall hours you can expect to bring in about 10 grand.

MAKE MONEY DUMPSTER DIVING.

In this economy having just one job doesn’t seem to cut it money-wise. To earn extra cash some people are even resorting to taking on another night or weekend gig. Of course instead of working nonstop you could take just a couple of hours and seek out one of the many metallic, hidden treasure troves right in your neighborhood. The trash dumpsters. Though before taking your very first sanitation-swim you might want to keep these treasure-hunting tips in mind.

[courtesy of eHow]

Tip 1. Know local laws. Some areas outlaw D-diving all together. You can probably find out the types of penalties (if caught) on the internet.

Tip 2. Use the buddy system. Bring a partner in case you get hurt diving into glass or rusty metal.

Tip 3. Dress appropriate. Wear work gloves, a long sleeve shirt and durable pants.

Tip 4. Location!, Location! Obviously a dumpster by a ritzy department store or luxury apartment complex will have way better stuff than near an old donut shop.

Tip 5. Assign roles. One person can dive into the dumpster and hand off the stuff to the partner who can see if the object is worth anything.

Tip 6. Diving Times. Best to do it early morning. The trash will be dumped from the night before and you won’t be interrupted. Just be quiet to avoid alerting other treasure seekers or the fuzz (police).

Tip 7. Types of treasure. The best finds are stuffed animals, toys, shoes, coats, dresses, jeans, art, pictures, furniture and appliances. Food and electronics are always iffy.

Tip 8. Post dumpster diving. Bring everything home and then clean off right away. Craigslist all the stuff that’s worth something and discard all the damaged stuff for the next seeker.

5 RECESSION PROOF, DIRTY JOBS. ANY TAKERS?

by Jani Ogglin (NWM Staff Writer)

Here we are in the thick of fall and the job market is still as sucky as the summer. That is if you’re going after those cushy, clean-cut, 9 to 5 positions that involve a desk, paperwork and water-cooler banter. Now if you don’t mind getting a little dirt under the fingernails (and every orifice) you’ve got a world of crappy job options.

Poultry Processor (salary range: $16,000-$30,000)
: Essentially you’d be helping to add more processed chicken to the world. Your job? Working on chicken death row. Killing, cleaning, feather plucking and If that’s not enough – ripping out gizzards.

Lift-pump remover (Salary range: $22,000-63,000): The good news is you get paid to swim. The bad news, you’re not surrounded by Baywatch beauties or even the Hoff. You’re the guy (or gal) that dives into muck and filth to clean out jammed pumps in raw sewage treatment plants.

Animal semen collector (Salary range: $17,000-$54,000): Title says it all. Though, in case you’re curious, the animals in question are bulls, pigs, goats and turkeys.

Crime-scene cleaner (Salary range: $25,000-$68,000): I love watching those gritty cop dramas where they take you through a murder scene. Show you the blood splattering and guts smeared on the walls. My only question was who cleans the sh-t up after the badges leave? Now I know. Bloody awful job, but decent benefits and a 401K.

Odor judge (Salary range: $19,000-$52,000): You get paid to sniff anything from armpits to smelly feet. All in the name of product consumer testing. God forbid any defective deodorant or foot powder hits the shelves. At least not on your watch. 

TOP 5 CRAIGSLIST ODD JOB POSTINGS: FROM BEER PONG TO D&D

BBQ season is coming to a close, and now it’s back to work. If you’re just entering the job force or looking for a mid-life career change – here are some suggestions from the folks at Craigslist.

Athens, Georgia:

Beer Pong Tournament Event Coordinator (University of Georgia)

http://athensga.craigslist.org/mar/1354224184.html

Looking for a student at University of Georgia to organize a beer pong tournament for College Pong Tournaments. http://www.CollegePongTournaments.com. You would need to organize the event completely and get your classmates to come. Serious inquires only. If interested call Patrick @ 646-761-8439 to discuss details. Or you can email: info@CollegePongTournaments.com.

Orlando, Florida:

Spiritual/psychic readers (orlando)

http://orlando.craigslist.org/trd/1315909927.html

Independent reliable spiritual readers needed for Orlando parks. Must know how to work with people, use of cards, and other modalities accepted. Part/Full/days/evenings. Professional atmosphere and group. Dramatic background and languages a plus. Fax or E-M resumee to (941) 316-9363 or starsouls@comcast.net, or phone 407-256-4655 to indicate serious interest. Leave phone no.,etc...

San Francisco, California:

Males 16-30 needed for Video Game Study - Make $125 in 2 hours

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/pen/etc/1331133335.html

A Bay Area marketing research company is currently looking to speak with males 16-30 years old about video games. Come test a game with your friends and give our client feedback. You'll be PAID for your time. Make $125 for 2 hours of fun!

Washington DC:

Spoken Word/Poet for Short Film

http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/wrg/1328467513.html
I am seeking a spoken word artist/poet for a short film that I will. It is a unique, avant-garde project that I intend to submit to several festivals. If you are interested in collaborating for the writing of the film please respond in kind and I will contact you with more information. Thank you.

Fallon, Nevada (Not sure if this is paying gig)

Dungeons and Dragons Players Wanted

http://reno.craigslist.org/grp/1338682404.html

I am moving to Fallon NV on the beginning of September. If your Birthday is anywhere around there, Happy Birthday buddy! I am looking for creative, imaginative people who enjoy playing Dungeons and Dragons (I play 3.5ed, but we could do 4th too). I am an accepting guy and I like players from a wide variety. It doesn't matter to me if you are a Geek, Skater, Punk, Goth, Emo, Jock, Gay, Prep, Churchgoer, Engineer, Nerd, Artist, or even a Pastry Chef! (Note, a Pastry Chef player could bring goodies if they want :P ) Basically any type of person and character is welcome. Honestly I don't discriminate.