OH YOU CRAZY WHITE PRIVILEGED TEENS WITH YOUR VODKA SOAKED TAMPONS

If you just gagged or threw up a bit in your mouth – my apologies. Sadly this is true. Apparently today’s teens don’t even need a mouth to get their buzz on. All they have to do is purchase the following...

THE NAME PRETTY MUCH SAYS IT ALL

The kids start by taking the tampon and giving it a generous dunk in some vodka. Then they either insert it into the vajayjay or rectum. I’m sure you can figure out what sex does what.

2 common myths about the ol’ tampon in the vagina/rectum routine:

My mom and dad won’t know I’m drunk ‘cause I don’t have alcohol on my breath.

FALSE: When large doses of alcohol enter the bloodstream the body will try and rid it any way it can (like forcing it through the lungs and out of the other hole with teeth).

Alcohol in my rectum or vagina actually helps to clean myself down there.

FALSE: It can cause you to have a burning sensation or worse – leak blood.

HEY, IF THE DOCTORS TALK ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE!

SO WHAT ARE THOSE CRAZY PRIVILEGED TEENS UP TO NOW?

It’s called Vodka eyeballing. The name pretty much says it all. Basically instead of chugging mommy’s Nyquil, kids are now reaching for daddy’s bottle and pouring it into [you guessed it] their eyeballs. Why? Well apparently 4 years of high school science has taught ‘em that alcohol gets absorbed faster through the blood stream this way. And I thought I was cool when I learned that Kangaroos have 2 vaginas.

As expected the medical community has been a real wet blanket on the subject. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, destroys your cornea, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, permanent eye damage BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, possibility of blindness.

JUST CHECK OUT ALL THE AWESOME, STUPID FUN YOU’RE MISSING OUT ON ‘CAUSE YOU’RE AN ADULT AND SO NOT COOL.

$200 STOLI BOTTLES COULD BE SITTING IN YOUR DAD’S LIQUOR CABINET.

I don’t know about you, but my parents haven’t broken out anything from their liquor cabinet in about 15 years plus. I’m quite sure they stocked it in the mid-80s, just in case any Madmen showed up craving about 8 Highballs before cocktail hour. If you can relate, the next time you're home you might want to take a peek at those old, dusty bottles. If any of them are Stolichnaya vodka, check the labels. The bottles that read “Imported from the USSR,” are actually worth some bucks. For the obvious reason that the USSR closed up shop a while back. Now they just say Russia on the label. The flavored vodka USSR bottles go for around $150 on ebay. While the original red USSR bottles can fetch up to 200 ebay bucks. Da! Da!

NWM FREEBIE: LIQUID KICK IN THE ASS.

The folks at A.C.T. are giving away FREE samples of their potent, power booster. They claim in 6 to 10 minutes you’ll feel right as rain. All I can say is I once had 3.75 Red Bulls mixed with Vodka, and I was right for the toilet. But hey, that’s me. A.C.T.’s whole thing is they have no artificial sweeteners or preservatives. Each can is also chock full of Guarana seed which contains methylxa…something. Essentially, it’s crystal clear energy that creates optimal balance at the cellular level...and it'll make you talk really, really fast.

Offer good while supplies last. Click here to get your freebie.

FREEBIE: FREE VODKA SHOT

That’s right! The fine folks at Diamond Vodka are giving away coupons for (1) FREE mini-bottle. There are (8) premium filtered vodka samples to choose from. Just click on any bottle and you’re good to taste, that is if you’re over 21.

[MUST BE OVER 21 TO GET FREE SAMPLE]