WILL I DIE IF I DOWN THIS BOTTLE OF PURELL?

I think what’s more disturbing than me coming up with the question is that I’m not the first person to ask it. Just look at all the search results master google puked out.

QUIT STALLING I have other blogs to read!!!

A couple of the sites said, “NAH,” you'd be uber-wasted, but fine. However the web sources seemed suspicious. So I dug a bit deeper and this what I got…

If you’re a kid – YES, you will die-ish. Docs said the child would most likely bite it from alcohol poisoning.

AS FAR AS ADULTS GO, that’s where the gray area occurs. You might live, but I’d doubt you want to. Here’s why…

- Most sanitizers contain a narcotic (I.e. hydrocodone or codeine) which could slow your respiration down to dangerous levels.

- You'd end up with liver toxicity/damage from the excess of Dextromethorphan.

- And you'd probably have hallucinations (the sucky kind)

Prognosis: Though it might not kill ya, it will certainly F adults up. So get to an ER, stat!!!

THE PERFECT BEER FOR 8-10 YR. OLDS

It’s a toss-up whether the Hello Kitty Thong panties or the above brew wins for the most awkward import from Japan. Personally I give the nod to the latter. It’s called Kodomo no nomimono (translation: Children’s Drink). Good ol’ apple juice mixed with a couple of DNA strands of nonalcoholic beer. Sangaria (the producers of this stuff) felt this might be a hot sell for kids trying to mimic mommy and daddy. They even took it an extra step further by offering Kodomo no nomimono in bottles or cans. 乾杯!

It's never too early to prepare for Spring Break.

SO WHAT ARE THOSE CRAZY PRIVILEGED TEENS UP TO NOW?

It’s called Vodka eyeballing. The name pretty much says it all. Basically instead of chugging mommy’s Nyquil, kids are now reaching for daddy’s bottle and pouring it into [you guessed it] their eyeballs. Why? Well apparently 4 years of high school science has taught ‘em that alcohol gets absorbed faster through the blood stream this way. And I thought I was cool when I learned that Kangaroos have 2 vaginas.

As expected the medical community has been a real wet blanket on the subject. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, destroys your cornea, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, permanent eye damage BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, possibility of blindness.

JUST CHECK OUT ALL THE AWESOME, STUPID FUN YOU’RE MISSING OUT ON ‘CAUSE YOU’RE AN ADULT AND SO NOT COOL.

IF YOU’RE GOING TO SPIKE THE PUNCH BOWL, MAKE IT COUNT.

by Biz-Boy (NWM Staff Writer)

The days of lavish Holiday parties have fallen with the economy. However, that doesn’t mean they’re dead and buried. I mean the financial firm I work for is still having one. Though like last year the bean counters now have a budget they actually have to stick to. Usually, all of our pre-Jesus B-day bashes are at some catered hall. Not decked out glitzy mind you, but stodgy all the same. To satisfy the seniors they have the obligatory shellfish/raw bar and a generous supply of finger sandwiches. Of course there’s the open bar that’s usually packed with my crowd. And yes what would a party be without a couple of ice sculptures (or four), and, the classic of all classic holiday staples – the punch bowl. Usually it’s filled with some God awful watered down, fruity, non-alcoholic, red, blah, in a fine crystal bowl. My coworkers and I have a standing bet that whoever has the nerve to spike the punch bowl gets 100 bucks ­– no questions asked. If that day comes (for me) rest assured I will make it count. So without further adieu, here are MY 2 BEST PICKS FOR SPIKING A PUNCH BOWL…and then some.

BACARDI 151 PROOF RUM ($22.99): This sweet ‘n’ spiced stuff usually hovers in 100 proof-range. This isn’t one of those bottles. FYI…Bacardi also makes it a point to tell you that this is one of their more super flammable spirits.

DEVIL SPRINGS 160 PROOF VODKA ($14.39): Any spirit name that starts with Devil will pretty much guarantee how your night will start and end. The perfect power to mellow any power crowd. The bottle warning for this one suggests you dilute the crap out of it before drinking.

Happy Holidays!

BARTENDER ABE’S POST THANKSGIVING COCKTAIL

Name: La Boca Raton Breeze

Ingredients:

• 8 oz. cranberry juice
• 2 Alka Seltzer tablets
• Crushed ice

Directions:

• Pour juice in glass.
• Add tablets.
• Stir while adding crush ice.
• Garnish with a lemon wedge and serve.

Added Benefits: Soothes an upset stomach and actually alleviates urinary tract infections.

I WANT TO BE DRUNK, YESTERDAY.

by Joshen McEwen (NWM Staff Writer)

If you want to be drunk in a jiffy, I found what has to be the most potent alcohol ever. The demon is called Everclear. I have personally never come in contact with this drink for good reason, but I’ll address that later. First, Everclear is a brand of neutral grain spirit. It comes in concentration of 151 proof and 190 proof. Now many people don’t know if you take the alcoholic proof and divide it by 2 you get the percentage of alcohol available – the alcoholic content. Now what’s special about 190 proof or roughly 96% alcohol and 4% water? It forms an azoetrope. Which means no further water may be removed by distillation. And as a result of that Mr. Wizard fact, you're getting the highest alcohol content one can find. Guaranteed to get you f%$ked up. Now the high alcohol content of Everclear makes it illegal and hard to find in many states. Everclear in it’s awesome 190 proof form is illegal in Florida, Hawaii, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Nevada, New Hampshire, New York (both a blessing and a curse for me), Pennsylvania, Virginia, West Virginia, California, and Kansas. I can only imagine the increase in 3am club and bar violence if we had Everclear readily available. Not to mention the damage done to the inexperienced 21yr old livers around the city. I feel like I would get drunk just by holding the bottle. Everclear, it does a drinker good.

Everclear drinker speaks...sorta.