VAMPIRE CROSS PRANK IS A SUREFIRE WAY TO GET IMPRESSIONABLE TWEENS TO PISS THEIR PANTS.

Saw a bunch of tweens in the mall yesterday and I thought they were annoying. Why? They were really loud and obnoxious. Running fast all over the place with no rhyme or reason. Maybe it’s the bitter old, little man in me, but I’d love to see all those kids crap their pants from fear. And now thanks to the popularity of Twilight and other Vampire series it’s easy. All you need are the following.

Sterling Silver Cross Pendant ($49.99@ Amazon)

                                                    

Tube of Instant Mystic Smoke (90¢ @ Amazon)

HERE’S HOW YOU DO IT…

Step 1. Rub cross with Mystic Smoke goo.

Step 2. Walk up to annoying group of tweens.

Step 3. Grab cross with your hand.

Step 4. Smoke will start to rise from the cross and your hand.

Step 5. Pretend to wince in pain.

Step 6. Watch kids scream in fear and run away.

Step 7. Enjoy memory for years to come.

OPEN LETTER TO MY DEAD AUNT GERT

Dear Auntie Gert,

I just wanted to say how I miss you so. I loved all the fun times we had together. It was great when you used to visit and bring those chocolate cookies from Leon’s bakery. I still remember when you used to take me to the park and push me on the swing. Then you’d buy me a chocolate ice cream. You were my favorite Great Auntie. And just so you know, I had 4.

Though I gotta be honest with you. Just ‘cause you’re my #1 dead Great Auntie, it doesn’t mean I won’t take you out if some punk vampire decides to raise you up from the grave. I know you have a good heart, but even you will not be strong enough to resist the evil virus that will course through your undead veins. You will crave blood, lots of it. I can't let that happen.

So if needed, I will purchase a vampire killing kit on ebay for $468 (see enclosed photos). It includes everything I need to snuff out blood suckers like: 10 types of wooden stakes, 4 Crucifixes, rope, Black Leaf Poison, Holy Water and more!

Again, me killing you will take nothing away from all the loving memories I cherish very much. I just don’t want you to eat me.

Give Uncle Herb and my dog (Sammy) my best.

Love always,

Jesse

AREN’T YOU THE LEAST BIT CURIOUS IF THERE IS A COCKTAIL MADE WITH BLOOD?

There is. It’s called a Squeezer. Essentially it’s animal blood drained into a glass. The safest place to obtain this red stuff is through the butcher. Remember to ask for pig’s blood instead of from a cow. With the oinkers you have less chance contracting mad cow, salmonella, and E. Coli. As a further precaution, eliminate any excess bacteria by cooking the blood on a low heat for 5 minutes. Let cool. Serve with a lemon wedge. Enjoy.

EBAY ODDBALL FIND – TWILIGHT: NEW MOON MOVIE PROP...SORTA

A truly one-of-kind gift for any Twilighter in your life. This gift set includes exact replicas of all the jewelry Bella wore in Twilight: New Moon.

• Turquoise Cuff
• "Moonstone" ring
• and St. Jude Bracelet

All beautifully display in a lined presentation box. Buy now for only $69.99. Click here for details.

DRINK UP TRU BLOOD FANS!

Like many HBO-ians, I am glued to the TV every Sunday night at 9pm for another installment of True Blood (The Vampire/Supernatural series based on the books by Charlaine Harris). Wondering how Sookie, Bill, Lafayette and the rest of the residents of Bon Temps, Louisiana are going to escape all kinds of uber-bloody messes. Of course (because this is such an unconventional show), I’m always drawn to how a series like this will market itself. Aside from airing regular network promos, placing outdoor ads and a Comic-Con appearance what other venues are they using to gain viewers. That's my marketing / ad guy roots showing. Surprisingly, I actually thought True Blood dropped the ball. They have the golden egg of brand-marketing as the focal point of the show. And yet, they do nothing with it. That is until now. HBO is officially in the beverage biz. For 16 bucks (plus shipping) you can own a 4 pack of Tru Blood, the drink. The controversial recipe is varied a bit (they use blood orange), but the packaging and liquid color are pretty much the same. The taste of Tru Bood is being billed as a slightly tart and sweet carbonated drink. Unfortunately, it’s only available online, but I’m sure it won't be long ‘til you'll be able to scare one up at your neighborhood watering hole – on the rocks or warmed.