Saturday, April 17, 2010

OPEN LETTER TO MY DEAD AUNT GERT

Dear Auntie Gert,

I just wanted to say how I miss you so. I loved all the fun times we had together. It was great when you used to visit and bring those chocolate cookies from Leon’s bakery. I still remember when you used to take me to the park and push me on the swing. Then you’d buy me a chocolate ice cream. You were my favorite Great Auntie. And just so you know, I had 4.

Though I gotta be honest with you. Just ‘cause you’re my #1 dead Great Auntie, it doesn’t mean I won’t take you out if some punk vampire decides to raise you up from the grave. I know you have a good heart, but even you will not be strong enough to resist the evil virus that will course through your undead veins. You will crave blood, lots of it. I can't let that happen.

So if needed, I will purchase a vampire killing kit on ebay for $468 (see enclosed photos). It includes everything I need to snuff out blood suckers like: 10 types of wooden stakes, 4 Crucifixes, rope, Black Leaf Poison, Holy Water and more!

Again, me killing you will take nothing away from all the loving memories I cherish very much. I just don’t want you to eat me.

Give Uncle Herb and my dog (Sammy) my best.


Love always,

Jesse




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11 comments:

  1. That's unreal! What a great gag gift. I was really getting misty there, sweet letter.

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  2. I'd hold out for one more batch of Leon's chocolate chip cookies first. But that's just me. Silly post.
    Cheers,
    Robyn

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  3. That is the sweetest letter I've read. Had me in tears the whole time. Though I don't think you'll have to worry. Vampires only prey on the living. Zombies rise from the dead.

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  4. LOL...great one Jesse.
    The kit is cool. I need to get one of those in case the garlic on the door doesn't work...

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  5. I am going to need that kit after I am done reading Dracula for school. I'm wearing garlic around my neck as I type.

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