Saturday, April 17, 2010


Dear Auntie Gert,

I just wanted to say how I miss you so. I loved all the fun times we had together. It was great when you used to visit and bring those chocolate cookies from Leon’s bakery. I still remember when you used to take me to the park and push me on the swing. Then you’d buy me a chocolate ice cream. You were my favorite Great Auntie. And just so you know, I had 4.

Though I gotta be honest with you. Just ‘cause you’re my #1 dead Great Auntie, it doesn’t mean I won’t take you out if some punk vampire decides to raise you up from the grave. I know you have a good heart, but even you will not be strong enough to resist the evil virus that will course through your undead veins. You will crave blood, lots of it. I can't let that happen.

So if needed, I will purchase a vampire killing kit on ebay for $468 (see enclosed photos). It includes everything I need to snuff out blood suckers like: 10 types of wooden stakes, 4 Crucifixes, rope, Black Leaf Poison, Holy Water and more!

Again, me killing you will take nothing away from all the loving memories I cherish very much. I just don’t want you to eat me.

Give Uncle Herb and my dog (Sammy) my best.

Love always,


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  1. That's unreal! What a great gag gift. I was really getting misty there, sweet letter.

  2. I'd hold out for one more batch of Leon's chocolate chip cookies first. But that's just me. Silly post.

  3. That is the sweetest letter I've read. Had me in tears the whole time. Though I don't think you'll have to worry. Vampires only prey on the living. Zombies rise from the dead.

  4. LOL...great one Jesse.
    The kit is cool. I need to get one of those in case the garlic on the door doesn't work...

  5. I am going to need that kit after I am done reading Dracula for school. I'm wearing garlic around my neck as I type.

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