Dear Auntie Gert,
I just wanted to say how I miss you so. I loved all the fun times we had together. It was great when you used to visit and bring those chocolate cookies from Leon’s bakery. I still remember when you used to take me to the park and push me on the swing. Then you’d buy me a chocolate ice cream. You were my favorite Great Auntie. And just so you know, I had 4.
Though I gotta be honest with you. Just ‘cause you’re my #1 dead Great Auntie, it doesn’t mean I won’t take you out if some punk vampire decides to raise you up from the grave. I know you have a good heart, but even you will not be strong enough to resist the evil virus that will course through your undead veins. You will crave blood, lots of it. I can't let that happen.
So if needed, I will purchase a vampire killing kit on ebay for $468 (see enclosed photos). It includes everything I need to snuff out blood suckers like: 10 types of wooden stakes, 4 Crucifixes, rope, Black Leaf Poison, Holy Water and more!
Again, me killing you will take nothing away from all the loving memories I cherish very much. I just don’t want you to eat me.
Give Uncle Herb and my dog (Sammy) my best.