Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Local fairs – A summer rite of passage. An army of freaks, barkers, and workers come in and take over some deserted field for a week. 
With it comes the stank of stale beer. Foods dipped in powdered sugar-coated cholesterol. Rickety rides that are lawsuits waiting to happen. And of course, the games of “skill” designed to lure adolescent boys with the hopes of winning a giant teddy for their date, but in reality get raped of their hard-earned allowance/lawn-mowing money. Oh, and lets not forget those games of chance. The most popular of which is the ol’ plastic duckies in the kiddie pool. Choose the right ducky and you win a prize.

What prize you ask? A delightful diseased goldfish for the kiddies. Most likely it won’t make it through the night. Though if your kid is one of the lucky ones he or she might be treated to a week with [insert fishy’s name] before it swims into the light. Now once fishy dies it’s no biggie. Simply drop it in the bowl. Flush. Wave bye-bye. Tell your little one it went to fishy heaven. Done. 

That kind of sucks for your kid to witness. Which of course will bring up a hornet’s nest of questions. Why is fishy swimming upside down? Why doesn’t fishy swim for the food? Is fishy dying? Can’t really help you in the answers department, but I can help you KILL THAT FISH in the most humane manner possible. From what I read flushing does not count as a proper way to euthanize fishy. Does swirling around in waste ‘n water to your doom sound like a great way to go to you?

It’s a lot easier than you think. Just follow these steps and your fishy will be able to painlessly pass on and meet its maker.

Step 1. Remove sick fishy from tank or bowl

Step 2. Place sick fishy in a cup of water.

Step 3. Add a half a bottle of Clove Oil (cost $3 online).

Step 4. Wait 24 hours for fishy to sleep with the um fishies.

Step 5. Make sure fishy is dead.

Step 6. Flush away fishy with a clear conscience.


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  1. LMAO that's good to know. I'll remember to bring that to the relatives houses

  2. HAHA! Found this through Ian's tweet -- hilarious. And, thanks for the tip :p

  3. Awww, poor little fishes :( I don't think I've ever won a goldfish ever. I never win at the fair.

  4. I will have to forward this on to my sister in law, who absolutely HATES her kids fish. We just have one fish. A beta. He is blue and frilly, and named Rex. Who doesn't love that?

  5. Good to know! Haha! Sadly, fishies tend not to live too long around here...our cat likes to "play" with them.

  6. I had one named Angus. Lived for a very long time. I decided to upgrade his tank, he died the next day. I did cry. I know stop laughing at me, but I thought my ex put him down the disposal and it made me sad...I am tearing up now just thinking about it...not really...

  7. haha - i have to admit that i never needed help to kill my fishies. i was just terrible at keeping them alive.

  8. As a former fish keeper and breeder (you think I'm kidding, don't you)....I can tell you that the most humane way to kill a fish is indeed, as you have described. (The Clove oil will anesthetize the fish.) It should, however, be followed up with a quick decapitation. (Fishy won't feel anything...and it will truly be dead, in case your clove oil wasn't strong enough to kill it.)

    I'm not kidding, even.

  9. Thank you my friend! Not only for the good info, but for giving me the inspiration for a post of my own. We have one of those little goldfish. I can see him from where I'm sitting right now. The bastard won't die. My GD won her at a carnival SEVEN YEARs ago...

  10. Advocating the murder of poor, helpless little goldfish... I'm speechless, almost.

  11. Thanks for the tip...It is way nicer than the one the lady gave me at the pet store..She told me to put the fish in a plastic bag and bang it on the way...WTF???

  12. Now I have THAT thought in my head for the next time I use clove oil. Well played, sir.

  13. Very valuable info. I need to go buy one to try these tricks of the trade.

  14. When I was college, they would give away free beta fish all the time on the Quad. Of course, they would all die within a week, so that kind of sucked. Then again, that is typically when your interest in the fish would wane, so maybe it's all for the better.

  15. I honestly have no words for this one. Nothing.


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