GO BARE BACK ON A PUBLIC TOLIET SEAT WITH A SEMI-CLEAR CONSCIENCE

By bare back I mean, sitting on a toilet with zero protection at all. No hypoallergenic cover, no tissues, nada. Personally I like the way it feels – cool and refreshing. The Centers For Disease Control & Preventionstates that it is next to impossible to contract STDs from sitting on a public toilet seat. Though before you breath a sigh of relief and pop a naked squat like me, there are 3 types of diseases you still MIGHT (and by might I mean 99% no) contract.

Crabs: Genital lice that feed on blood in your private area. It’s the most contagious out of all the sexual diseases. You literally have a 90% of catching crabs just having sex one time with an infected person. Thankfully it's next to impossible to contract it on the toilet seat. That's 'cause the little buggers die when they’re away from the body for 24 hours.

Scabies: Sounds nasty, doesn’t it? These are microscopic mites that cause the skin to be irritated and itch like mad. You usually get it through serious skin-to skin action. Technically you could catch these guys from shaking hands or hugging…nude. However, similar to Crabs they have a tough time surviving on their own. Though they can live a bit longer – up to 36 hours.

Herpes: The worst of them all. The one that stays with you forever. We’re talking skin and genital blisters, ulcers – a literal buffet of bad stuff. The good news is this STD is the weakest of them all outside the body.

WHO WANTS TO SEE WHERE AN HONEST-TO-GOD BLOGGER RELIEVED HIMSELF WHILE WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH HIS FRIENDS?

Yep, for those keeping track of my life it was time once again to make my yearly pilgrimage to Long Island to watch football with the guys. Same bar. Same wings. Same lots of beer. Same lots of drunk Jet fans. Oh and this is what was waiting for me when I went to take a pee. I get gun shy so I prefer to use the toilet over the open style urinals. FYI...This was not from me. I hadn't even started yet.

This is what it looks like when you flush a vat of beer-urine! Happy Monday!

ON THE 102nd DAY GOD GAVE MAN A BUCKET TO CRAP IN, AND IT WAS GOOD.

I mean, how could it not be good? With the Luggable Loo, you can crap practically anywhere at anytime. Yep, 18 bucks (@ Rei.com) is all it takes to bring peace of mind and convenience to any campsite or psycho, college frat pledge hazing trip gone wrong (no comment).

Here are the Luggable Loo specs:

• Features a sturdy plastic bucket fitted with a snap-on toilet seat and hinged lid
• Strong bail-handle, with contoured handle for easy transportation
• It’s Imported.

Luggable Loo in action (sort of):

OUR ECONOMY MIGHT BE IN THE CRAPPER, BUT YOU CAN STILL POOP ON PALIN AND PISS ON RUSH FOR $4.99 (each)

Only in America do we offer an opportunity like this. I mean now I know what type of gold our streets are paved with. It truly is amazing that on ebay you can nab these premium toilet targets (made of space-age something) for ONLY $4.99. 

FLUSH RUSH LIMBAUGH

SARAH PALIN [insert funny toilet humor here]

To be honest, I have no ill will towards either newsmaker. I just can sleep tight knowing that someone in this country is helping to keep all Americans in check with quality products like the Wizzstickers. I'll think twice about pissing these guys off [groan].

HEY MOMMY BLOGGERS! TOILEGAMI IS ALL THE RAGE.

Wait! Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of it. Thought your blogging unit was up on all of this “hip for the home” stuff. Toilegami is what it sounds like – origami of toilet paper. So what would possess one to utilize this craft? The only working theory I could come up with is – it's a cheap way to “one-up” annoying guests when having ‘em over for parties. You know, instead of spending needless bucks on fine linen napkins, candy looking soap, or funky smellin’ potpourri to spruce up your bathroom. All you need is a roll of 1 or 2 ply and you’re good to go. The foks at Origami-resource-center.com have 5 different shapes for you to choose from – Triangle, Diamond Fold, Pleated Tuck, Pleated Fold, and Flourish.

And as you can see below, the instructions are all on a “for dummies” level. Easy enough that even a Horror Blogger can follow (KIDDING!!!!)

FYI…only work with the toilet paper that hasn’t been used.

WHO WANTS TO SEE AN HONEST-TO-GOD BLOGGER SHOVE HIS HAND IN THE TOILET?

I do. I do.

This was a spur of the moment kinda thing. Though I guess one doesn’t really plan to shove one’s hand in the toilet. Anyhow, I had a beer at dinner. I was feeling good about myself. So I thought, why not shove my hand in the toilet. Here it is from start to finish.

PLEASE NOTE: There was no urine or any type of feces in the bowl before I shoved my hand in. And yes, I did wash my hands after...twice.

SURPRISE CULINARY CULPRITS BEHIND EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA.

Docs define good ol’ fashion regular diarrhea as 3-6 liquid bowel movements in one day. Explosive diarrhea is anywhere in the 7–12 range. Anything more than that would probably merit a trip to the emergency room. As far as causes go, all bodies react differently. However here are 3 surprise food factors that are more often than not, the silent killers of a truly regular day.

HOT RED PEPPER – Explosive Diarrhea ingredient: Capsaicin

RED MEAT – Explosive Diarrhea ingredient: B12

ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS – Explosive Diarrhea ingredient: Sorbitol

HELP! I’VE TAKEN A CRAP IN MY FRIEND’S TOILET AND IT STINKS.

Ahhh youth! A time when us guys can take a sh*t in a bud’s apartment and not have to worry about the smelly consequences. In fact, you’d probably even brag about it. Not unlike If you made a giant-sized dump.

10 YEARS LATER THESE BATHROOMS NOW HAVE GUEST TOWELS AND WEIRD LOOKING SOAP.

Now that my friends are grown up (with wives, kids and houses) having pride in your poop is no more. That’s what babies are for. A stank from me just comes across as rude (and maybe a cry for help).

IN 2010 WHERE THE %$ # AM I GONNA FIND A MATCH?

True. Striking a match will immediately eliminate any odor you may have caused. Of course the planet is NOW smoke free. So there’s probably zero chance you’ll be able to find a match, let alone 2 inches from you. Remember at this moment you’re naked from the waist down on a toilet.

MAKE DO WITH WHAT THEY HAVE.

Common rookie mistake – not scanning for scented-saviors before you release the hounds of hellish smell. If you do find yourself in that situation wipe and flush first. This way you can really judge the strength of the odor you’re up against. Now that you’re all zipped up quickly go to work. The following should help you out in a pinch – post pinched loaf. Remember to flush again to eliminate the evidence.

Air freshner spray (spritz in the toilet and in into air)

Baby powder (3 squeezes in the toilet, once in the air)

Scented liquid soap (2-4 pumps in the toilet)

Mouthwash (2 cups)

Shampoo (1-2 squirts)

Cleaning supplies (only a few drops or sprays)

Worse comes to worse, blame it on your wife!!!! A great save for the moment, though it will probably make the ride home uncomfortably quiet.

ODE TO NOT BEING REGULAR.

TOILET HORROR!

If a Japanese author wanted to scare the crap out of you, they’d go right to the source – THE TOILET! Yep, the land of the rising sun doesn’t have their dark entities lurking in ordinary places like closets, under the bed or the creaky attic. Nope, most older Japanese superstitions/urban legends deal with a mean spirit living in the toilet. This evil force (in form on a hairy hand) will apparently grab the ankles of naughty Japanese kids going potty. Now THE RING author Koji Suzuki has taken it one step further. His newest 9 chapter novella THE DROP is not only about the bathroom, but it's also written entirely on toilet paper. Each roll costs about 210 yen ($2.20). No word on how much the 2ply will go for.