HEMP-TASTIC HALLOWEEN CUPCAKES

Totally tasty and legal.

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 cup of Hemp flour
• 1 1/4 tsp. baking powder
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 1 cup of sugar
• 4 tbsp. shortening
• 6 or 7 tbsp. Living Harvest Hempmilk (Tempt)
• 1/2 tsp. vanilla
• 2 egg yolks

DIRECTIONS (Makes 14 cupcakes):

In a cooking bowl, mix in shortening, sugar, hemp flour, salt, and baking powder. Add egg yolk, hempmilk and vanilla –blend well in mixer. Pour batter into lined muffin pan. Fill cups 1/2 full. Bake at 375 degrees for 20 minutes. Decorate with chocolate and orange frosting. Add sprinkles. Serve. Enjoy.

3 MORE ODD CRAIGSLIST JOB POSTINGS.

NY/New Jersey: YO-YO ARTIST

We are looking for a competition level yo-yo artist who will assist in hiring and training a staff of sales reps for a group of mall based holiday sales locations. Bring your A game but you must be able to teach the basics and make them look easy!  Send resume to retailjobs@nyscollection.com OR fax to 732-429-1539

Phoenix: DISCO DANCERS WANTED

Large disco//house//funk//soul// dance party looking for talented male and female dancers to shake their booty! We are looking to form a dance crew to perform every thursday night downtown at the ruby room. email us with any questions or just show up this thursday at 10 pm to get down!

Chicago: COMPETITIVE EATER

Synopsis: Ben from Wisconsin is the hot dog eating champ who thwarts our hero's quest for gold. Asian, 20-30s. Small build. Would love to actually find a real competitive eater of Asian descent, but this is not required. Must be willing to eat a lot of food quickly.

HELP! MY %$#^% FAMOUS AMOS COOKIES ARE STUCK IN THE VENDING MACHINE.

You could go my wussy route, and gingerly, passive-aggressively tap the machine. Then spend a good $5 in change to free your candy from its spiral prison. Or you can be smart…

Wait 20 seconds. The new machines actually sense when the candy is stuck and will refund your change.

Unplug the machine and count to twenty. That too might get the machine to reset and give you back your money.

IF VIOLENCE IS NECESSARY…

Thump the side a couple of times.

Try opening and closing the metal flap. It might create a mini-gust of air that could free your candy.

Rock the machine back and forth until the candy falls.

If that still doesn’t work, rock the machine harder, then suddenly stop it. That might jar the candy loose.

DO NOT HIT THE GLASS IN THE FRONT. It could shatter and injure you.

ALL ELSE FAILS…

Call the number on the machine, complain to the rep and live to fight another day.

60 MINUTES, THE DRINKING GAME.

Sure you could drink to brain-draining sitcoms like SAVED BY THE BELL or GROWING PAINS, but what would you learn? Next time you’re looking for some post-Sunday afternoon football, Mensa-merriment, you might want to try 60 MINUTES, THE DRINKING GAME.

RULES (similar to other TV-themed drinking games):

One long drink for the “stopwatch” opening and for each segment intro.

Drink 1 time for each reporter introduction in the beginning.

Drink 1 every time Andy Rooney says, “a friend gave me this…” 

Drink 2 every time Lesley Stahl’s questioning sounds accusatory.

Drink 1 for every “Harvard-sounding” word Morley Safer uses.

Drink 4 every time Scott Pelley says, “on assignment.”

Drink 1 every time a 60 minutes reporter uses the word “we” to refer to the American consumers.

Keep drinking until Bob Simon lifts his hands up from his knees in the “intro-monologue” part of the news segment.

SUCK IT CAPTAIN PLANET.

by Greg Colfaz (NWM Staff Writer)

Hey from Cottonwood, Idaho. So I may or may not have been watching my Captain Planet and the Planeteers Season 1 DVD (drunk) this past weekend. Originally I was trying to settle a bet with my friend to see if it was really Tom Cruise’s voice behind the mighty blue eco-avenger. No dice, but after 5 beers and 3 episodes I did figure out why I hated this show waaay more than He-Man. It was too over-the-top preachy throughout the episodes. At least He-Man waited ‘til the end to tell Orko what he learned from dishing out a can of whoop-ass to Skeletor. This epiphany totally changed my mission. Now, my goal was to find one episode where CP was wrong! Some lesson-to-be-learned or eco-save that didn’t pay out well for the future. I was beginning to think all hope was lost until I stumbled onto episode 8, Rain of Terror. The plot has the Planeteers trying to stop Verminous Skumm from destroying a city with a giant cloud filled with acid rain. Of course, good triumphs over evil and the cloud was destroyed. Though according to a group of scientists at Michigan Technological University's School of Forest Resources and Environmental Science looks like the Captain made the wrong call. It seems that the research concludes that acid rain is actually beneficial for depleted forests. This polluted hot rain (rich with nitrogen) actually improves forest productivity. Meaning it saves the trees from dying out. And last time I checked, that's pretty high on the "Green stuff to accomplish in this century" list. Smooth move Super Cruise.

WORLD SERIES BEGINS FOR THOSE LUCKY BASTARDS. HOPEFULLY.

by Biz-Boy (NWM Staff Writer)

In a handful of days the Phillies and the Yankees will go head to head in the century old battle of the bats – The World Series. And though the times may have changed, one still things holds true with anyone who is lucky enough to make it to this fall classic. AVOID BAD LUCK. Going against these Gods of Superstition could result in a grave error…just ask Boston. So if you do have a 120” HD Plasma, here are some Minor League superstitions you might catch these Major Leaguers obeying.

NO stepping on the foul line when taking the field.

NO shaving after the first post season win.

NO chewing more than 1 pack of gum per game.

MUST tap bat once on home plate before batting.

JACK BAUER’S CHOICE OF WEAPONS, HOUR BY HOUR.

3:00am – 4:00am (SIG SAUER P229) Used it while in pursuit of petty thief Greg Penticoff.

7:00am – 8:00am (CUSTOMIZED 5.56mm COMPACT SNIPER RIFLE) Jack used this weapon to pose as a convincing sniper in order to gain the confidence of hired assassin Jonathan Matijevich.

9:00am – 10:00am (DART GUN) Used it against George Mason (former director of CTU). Nailed him in the thigh which rendered George unconscious for a full 32 minutes.

3:00pm – 4:00pm (PICKAXE) Needed axe to hack his way out of a plywood-based shed.