RECIPE FOR JOB SUCCESS – EXTRA SAGE

Really annoying people that have really good jobs always say,

“The key to success is talent and a little bit of luck.”

These are the same people that were born into billions or have dads with last names like Trump, or Walton. Sorry, downed a double dose of the bitter pills after perusing my 2011 financial statements. Seems like in this economy you need to really up that luck factor. Even with respectable MBAs and law degrees, I have friends who are still having trouble finding career success. 

Of course if you’re Alison Yates (Wicca extraordinaire), all you need is the right magic tea potion to make all of your financial dreams come true. And here is the spell recipe. Free of charge.

Oh, just a little BTW, before you start. For the Money Tea (that’s what she calls it) to take full effect, it must be made during the Waxing Moon phase. That’s supposedly when it looks like the moon is growing bigger in the sky.

Ok, now that we got all that celestial stuff cleared away, here’s what you need to do – word for word.

MONEY TEA SPELL:

Place these dry herbs in a bowl:

3 teaspoons Mint 


3 teaspoons Sage 


2 teaspoons Rosemary 


1 teaspoons Thyme

Now mix them all together while thinking of wealthy, successful thoughts and recite this incantation 3 times …

“Mix and combine to bring to me. Abundant wealth for all to see!”

This blend should last you for 9 days. Or when the oxen cries to the one eye dove (didn’t really get that part).

Each day you must pour a half a cup of boiling water over 1 teaspoon of the mixture. Steep the tea for 5 minutes, and add honey if you like. Then take a sip and recite this second incantation 3 times…

“As I sip this money brew. Bring money and wealth to accrue. Harming none and helping me. So mote it be!”

Repeat for the next 8 days, and drop me a line (and accept my resume) if it actually works.

WIN SIXTY BUCKS THE SEMI-HARD WAY

I’m not saying if I ever successfully attempted this grift back in November of ’98. And I certainly wouldn’t tell you if I only made $22. But what I will disclose is how to up that pot by $38. And how to complete the DOGGIE MAKEOUT BET with minimal mental scarring.


What you need:

• Big friendly dog (small ones bite)
• Peanut butter
• 8 friends
• Case of beer (domestic)
• Chloraseptic spray
• Ice cube

What to do:

Step 1. Get your friends nice and liquored up before going out to the bars (that way you'll know they'll have cash).

Step 2. When the moment is right leave the room and dab some peanut butter on your lips.

Step 3. When you appear back in the room the dog will be all over you trying to get to the peanut butter. Patiently wait ‘til 3 or more friends make the classic “get a room you two” comment.

Step 4. Announce to the room that you will makeout with the dog for 20 seconds for no less than 60 bucks.

Step 5. After all the money is on the table say you need to go to the bathroom to mentally prepare. Once the door is closed quickly down a can of beer. Then spray Chloraseptic (a known numbing agent) all over your tongue and mouth.

Step 6. Rub an ice cube (you stole from the freezer) all over your lips to further ensure you will have little to no feeling in that area. 

Step 7. Enter the room and grab the dog’s snout to gain control of the situation.

Step 8. Proceed to tongue the dog. The numbness should dull the physical and mental pain of the task at hand.

Step 9. Collect 60 bucks from shocked friends! Cha-ching!

HARMLESS APRIL FOOLS’ DAY PRANK: BLOOD MONEY

BOOYAH! We’re down to a week before the big joke day. As I said before, this year I swore not to wait ‘til the last minute. So 24/7 I've been meticulously putting together some cool, full proof, prank plans that are above all – good-natured-ish. A couple of days ago I let you in on prank #1. Here’s #2…

BLOOD MONEY

What you need:

• $58 in dollar bills
• Dark red paint or tube of fake blood
• Old paper bag
• Two friends
• Your apartment or house
• Spending money for a night of drinking
• Access to a park

Step 1. Add specks of blood red paint to select dollar bills.

Step 2. Place all money in crumpled, brown paper bag.

Step 3. Position crumbled bag in secluded area of the park. Have your buddies staked out in the bushes to make sure no one takes the money.

Step 4. Take your friend out for happy hour and get him nice and drunk.

Step 5. Walk home through the park so you pass by the bag. Try to let your friend find it first. Since it will be dark out, hopefully he won’t see the blood on some of the dollar bills.

Step 6. Once back at your place, let your friend go through the bag and discover the bloody money. At that moment say you are going to call for a pizza to be delivered.

Step 7. After 10 minutes have your buddies bang on the door and scream, “WE WANT OUR MONEY!” Tell your friend you must’ve accidentally buzzed them in ‘cause you thought it was the pizza guy. Let your friend freak out for at least 4 minutes.

Step 8. Have your friends suddenly be quiet. Then as you check the hallway have them burst in the room and yell, “APRIL FOOLS!” Your pranked buddy will probably be in shock for like a minute or two. After his breathing returns to normal he should be healthy enough to laugh about it with you guys.

FUN WITH F-U MONEY.

I couldn’t even fathom what I’d do if cash was dripping out of my every orifice. Ok, maybe I’d have a few ideas starting with one that rhymes with Berrari Bestarossa. STILL, I’m thinking in terms of being rich – 2 to 5 mil in the bank. F-U money is an entirely different stratosphere, 100 million at the very least. We’re talking Erik Estrada coin. Now the following stuff I found weren’t anything from the real, desired luxury categories. The Yachts, big ass TVs, mansions are all expected to be by owned by F-U-ites. See, I’m more curious about tracking down the expensive things that usually would run you a buck (or two) at the corner drugstore. These are the items that would TRULY be a waste of cash to use mere mortal$.

MOST EXPENSIVE PENCIL ($12,800):
The Special Edition Graf von Faber-Castell Perfect Pencil.

• Made from 240 yr. old olive wood
• White gold cap is studded with 3 diamonds
• Comes with pencil case and sharpener

MOST EXPENSIVE STRAIGHT RAZOR ($30,000)
The Damascene Razor (made by Hommage)

• Hand forged with 128 layers of German Damascene steel
• Protected with a platinum sheath (like the Crusader swords)
• Comes complete with a Tanzanian anigré wood gift box

MOST EXPENSIVE LIPSTICK ($62,000)
KissKiss Gold and Diamonds Lipstick (from Guerlain)

• Case made of solid gold
• Adorned with 199 diamonds totaling 2.2 carats
• Includes personalized engraving

EBAY ODDBALL FIND: LINCOLN SNOT

A rare opportunity for any coin collectors out there. In 2009 a minting error produced this one of a kind monetary masterpiece – Penny with Lincoln snot. As quoted from the owner, “This 2009 Lincoln penny is crazy lookin'. I kept looking at this coin, and it looks as if Lincoln sneezed a lot of snot out of his nose.” Coin grade is very good. Current bid is $1.38. Click here for more info.

EBAY ODDBALL FIND: RARE DISNEY DOLLAR.

Actually, it’s a rare Minnie Mouse $10 bill from 1999, to be exact. Its low 5digit serial number ensures it was one of the earlier bills minted that year. Bill is in excellent condition (sharp color with a still crisp feel). Valued at $125. Click here for details. 

JAPANESE TESTED, FULL PROOF PIGGY BANK FOR ONLY 42 BUCKS.

I’m pretty sure Donkey Kong and Galaga ate a half a billion of my hard earned quarters from '84 -'88. Now you too can relive those days (and save some coinage) with the new Arcade Gaming Piggy Bank. This high-grade plastic, mini game console includes Tetris and Breakout. Comes complete with retro-arcade controls. Cost is 25¢ per play – which is where the “money saving” comes in. Order today for only 3,890 YEN (42.75 USD). 

RECIPE FOR JOB SUCCESS – EXTRA SAGE.

Really annoying people that have really good jobs always say,

“The key to success is talent and a little bit of luck.”

These are the same people that were born into billions or have dads with last names like Trump Gates or Walton. Sorry, downed a double dose of the bitter pills after perusing my ’09 financial statements this weekend. Seems like in this economy you need to really up that luck factor. Even with respectable MBAs and law degrees, I have friends who are still having trouble finding career success. Of course if you’re Alison Yates (Wicca extraordinaire), all you need is the right magic tea potion to make all of your financial dreams come true. And here is the spell recipe. Free of charge. Oh, just a little BTW, before you start. For the Money Tea (that’s what she calls it) to take full effect, it must be made during the Waxing Moon phase. That’s supposedly when it looks like the moon is growing bigger in the sky. Ok, now that we got all that celestial stuff cleared away, here’s what you need to do – word for word.

MONEY TEA SPELL:

Place these dry herbs in a bowl:

3 teaspoons Mint 


3 teaspoons Sage 


2 teaspoons Rosemary 


1 teaspoons Thyme

Now mix them all together while thinking of wealthy, successful thoughts and recite this incantation 3 times …

“Mix and combine to bring to me. Abundant wealth for all to see!”

This blend should last you for 9 days. Or when the oxen cries to the one eye dove (didn’t really get that part). Each day you must pour a half a cup of boiling water over 1 teaspoon of the mixture. Steep the tea for 5 minutes, and add honey if you like. Then take a sip and recite this second incantation 3 times…

“As I sip this money brew. Bring money and wealth to accrue. Harming none and helping me. So mote it be!”

Repeat for the next 8 days, and drop me a line if it actually works.

VOODOO FOR HIRE

Don’t shoot the messenger. Or in this case, cause the messenger’s tongue to swell to an abnormal size and develop a nasty case of warts. Though if you are a VIP USPsychic customer you can do just that, and then some. Londa Marks is the most authentic Psychic Available. Says it right on her site. For a nominal fee she actually performs the spell for you. Love, money, revenge…she does it all. Londa will even create custom Spells for added extreme amounts of power. And yes, for all you voodoo-it-yourselfers, she does have spell starter kits.

[Click here for full spell catalog.]

YOUTUBE REVIEW: QUARTER TRICKS (3.5 STARS)

Quarter Tricks (total running time 2:18 minutes)

And you thought quarters was just for drinking. These guys have redefined what can be done with these tiny discs of zinc alloy. The video begins with the easy stuff. Multiple shots into shot glasses of different sizes. Then we see the E ticket tricks. Cross room shots. Going in two glasses at once. All-in-all, an incredible non-CG feast for the eyes. My only complaint (and this is a real nitpick), the lack of set up and back-story on the stunts. Kinda wanted to hear a bit about how many takes it took them to perfect the tricks. Maybe something about their technique or if there were any tricks they flat out couldn’t do. Again, pretty minor criticism about a video of major quarter feats. Give it a watch.