EVEN IF YOU’RE A DOUCHE WITH A DRINKING PROBLEM YOU CAN STILL IMPRESS YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S PARENTS X-MAS EVE

As you polish off a 12 pack for a mid-day snack, save one of the cans. Then right before you go to your gal pal’s folk’s house for X-mas Eve, do the following:

Step 1. Sober up (you need decent hand-eye coordination for this craft).

Step 2. Grab a scissors.

Step 3. Grab the empty can.

Step 4. Cut can top off.

Step 5. Cut sides of can into strips.

Step 6. Fold over strips into cool design.

Step 7. Leave one strip straight out to hook on Christmas tree branch.

Step 8. Enjoy the approving look your girlfriend’s parents give you.

6 CHRISTMAS BALLS THAT ARE SURE TO MAKE GOOD CHRISTIAN PARENTS BLUSH

‘Twas X days before Christmas, and all through the house – 2 creatures were stirring inside your house. Momma and poppa stared at the tree and got quite a big scare. That's ‘cause you read this post and knew what creepy things to hang with care.

#1- YULE DOOS ORNAMENT

$5.95 @ dogbedsandmore.com

#2- FEMALE GINGER-NUDE EROTIC ORNAMENT

$9.99 @ Rickysnyc.com

#3- MISTLE BLOW

$19.99 @ thepinkpanty.com

#4- TWO ELVES DOING IT

$19.99 @ thepinkpanty.com

#5- SANTA’S SEX SLAVE

$19.99 @ thepinkpanty.com

#6- HO HO HUNG

$19.99 @ thepinkpanty.com

‘TIS THE SEASON FOR iPHONE APPS.

KC (NWM Staff Writer)

Here are 4 new apps that’ll totally get you into the Holiday iSpirit?

iChristmas Tree (99¢): No room for a tree in your 0 room studio apartment? Download this instant tree, complete with all kinds of holiday decorating options.

Christmas Carols (99¢): Perfect for all you Carolers. This handy app has the lyrics to all the Christmas Classics, except the Adam Sandler Chanukah song.

Let it snow (99¢): Name says it all.

Xmas Bell ($1.99): Have fun with not one, not two, but three different types of holiday bells. Also counts down to Christmas.

HEY TREE HUGGER!

We have all heard the term. Basically Tree Huggers are those who oppose the logging industry. Their ultimate goal is to preserve our forests, so they can be enjoyed for generations to come. Corporate suits (with a generous supply of cops) tend to use this term as they are hosing down a bunch of these protesters chained to trees. However, I recently discovered that there is a more direct meaning of Tree Hugger. The term could also refer to someone who suffers from Dendrophilia. It is a condition in which an individual is sexually aroused by trees. Upon further research I was NOT able to determine if the disease has different classifications – Oak Dendrophilia, Christmas Tree Dendrophilia, etc. Either way it must be extremely rare, because at present the D-word has only one Facebook group devoted to it.