HOW TO MAKE FAKE SNOT

No more compulsively hoarding used tissues. This process makes it way easier to whip up a generous supply of snot. All you need is a Grade 11 knowledge of chemistry and a few household items.

SNOT Ingredients:

• Borax Solution
• Elmer’s glue
  
• Green & yellow food coloring
  
• Water

SNOT Recipe:

1. In a bowl, mix in 1/8 cup of borax to 5 ml of warm water
2. Next stir in 2 spoonfuls of glue.
3. Finally add a couple of drops of the green and yellow food coloring.

Within minutes you will have a squishy, snot-like mixture.

BONUS: Make Glowing Snot!!!

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Hose Nose Liquid Booger Candy

No candy-coating these usage steps for you:

Step #1: Place the nose mask on your face.

Step #2: Remove the red cap underneath the nose

Step #3: Squeeze green stuff onto your tongue

Step #4: Relive one of the creepiest times in your life that you’d never admit to.

Sadly the company has discontinued this treasured treat (for an undisclosed reason). So grab it now for ONLY $2.49 on OffBeatTreats, before it’s $249.00 on ebay.

THE ONLY TIME IT’S OK TO PICK YOUR NOSE AND EAT IT (part 2)

Originally I came up with what I thought was the ONLY scenario that validated the need to pick and eat what’s in your nose. I was wrong. While walking to work I came up with reason #2.

PRELUDE TO THE PICK

Again, you are a bit down on your luck in the money department. As a result you took a bad loan from a Russian loan shark who was a former KGB agent. 

Unfortunately you missed a couple of payments. So as a result the ex-KGB guy chloroforms your ass and drags you to his lair. 

NO MORE STALLING, HERE IS THE PICKING AND EATING PART.

You wake up and notice you’re tied up. 

Next to you is an old fashion scale. On the plate closest to you is a bag of drugs with a knife. On the other plate are coins. 

You noticed the scale is balanced so the knife is just out of reach. Suddenly the KGB loan shark approaches you with his henchman. 

YURI: Should we kill him boss?

LOAN SHARK: Yeah, put a bullet in this no-good-nik’s skull.

[You close your eyes waiting to die. Luckily you just hear empty clicks from the gun.]

YURI: Dang?!!

LOAN SHARK: What is it?

YURI: No bullets.

LOAN SHARK: Idiot! Come! Let’s go to bullet store.

[Loan shark stares right at you.]

LOAN SHARK: We’ll be right back, don’t go anywhere.

[They leave]

SORRY, HERE IS THE REAL PICKING AND EATING PART.

You managed to get one hand semi-free, but it’s near your face. The other hand is next to the scale. You have no time to waste. You start spitting on the other scale plate. Your hope is to weigh it down so the plate with the knife will raise close enough for your hand to grab it. Unfortunately you realize your loogies barely have any weight. So at this point there is only one thing left to do. YOU NEED TO PICK YOUR NOSE AND EAT IT in order to create heavier spit. You do just that and the knife comes close enough for you to reach it. You grab it, cut yourself free, and escape with your life.

I dare you to find holes in this logic!

SORRY FOR THE SNOTTY MESS.

MEMO

TO: CLEANING STAFF at building where I work

SUBJECT: Apology for leaving snot on the wall

To Whom It May Concern:

I’d like to extend my sincerest apologies for leaving the snotlike mixture on the wall space right above urinal #1 in the bathroom. Just so you know, 99% of the time I always cover my mouth or use a tissue. It’s just that I was caught in midstream of a piss when the sneeze occurred. And to prepare for the sneeze spasm I used both hands to support my private area. My logic being is that I felt using one hand wouldn't be enough to defend against the sudden kick back. The course of the pee stream would've most likely been redirected to either the floor or my pants. In the end I felt the snot stained wall was a small price to pay to prevent possible urine puddles.

True, I could have stayed to clean up my snotty secretion. However, I desperately feared someone in upper management catching me in the act and unfairly judging me.

Again, my deepest apologies,

Anonymous

THE ONLY TIME IT’S OK TO PICK YOUR NOSE AND EAT IT.

Ok. I’ll admit it. On occasion I do clean house with the ol’ pointer finger. Look, there are some times the tissue ain’t gonna cut it. Now I know what logical questions are floating around in your brain matter, and it’s a resounding “NO!” I do not eat or fling my boogers. I simply dispose of them in a tissue, on a post-it, or flick it in the toilet. [A flick is way different than a fling.] Anyway, the last time I did the digging deed it got me thinking­ – When would it be socially acceptable to pick your nose and eat your snot?

Can’t be the whole desert island thing. Snot has no nutrients that could sustain life for any amount of time.

AS a kid you could do the pick and eat, but it is frowned upon by the adult world.

This quandary has really been a toughie that has plagued me for quite sometime, that is until now.

PRELUDE TO THE PICK & EAT.

Imagine you have a really bad cold. Your head is achy. You have a nagging cough. You’re always sneezing. And yes, you have a constant stuffy nose.

Now also imagine that you did something bad to piss off a couple of former Soviet KGB agents. I use those guys because I feel like they would be most creative with their tortures. Plus they know how to hold a grudge.

PICK & EAT IS ALMOST A GO.

One last imagination part. You wake up in a clear Lucite box that is upright. You were obviously drugged and placed in it by the angry KGB guys. This plastic prison barely has enough space to contain you. Your hands are jammed up near your face. The good news is there are small pinholes in the box right over your head for oxygen. The bad news is there's a bigger hole by your feet. In that hole the former KGB have placed a hose that they have turned on. The box is now filling up with water ‘til it is just above your mouth. Your nose is still in the open air.

NO MORE STALLING, HERE IS THE PICKING AND EATING PART.

The KGB men have now left you. [They went down the street to a restaurant for bowls of borscht.] So you are left alone and expected to die. UNLESS. The only way you can survive is to clear that stuffy nose. So you will need to pick it. And since your hands can barely move it will make it hard to fling the boogers. Plus, you can't afford to let valuable seconds tick away. Your nose will get stuffed up again, making it impossible to breath. SO YES, THE ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE WOULD BE TO PICK YOUR NOSE AND EAT IT.

I dare you to find holes in that logic.

HOW TO MAKE FAKE SNOT.

No more compulsively hoarding used tissues. This process makes it way easier to whip up a generous supply of snot. All you need is a Grade 11 knowledge of chemistry and a few household items.

 

SNOT Ingredients:

• Borax Solution
  
• Elmer’s glue
  
• Green & yellow food coloring
  
• Water
  

 

SNOT Recipe:

1. In a bowl, mix in 1/8 cup of borax to 5 ml of warm water
2. Next stir in 2 spoonfuls of glue.
   
3. Finally add a couple of drops of the green and yellow food coloring.

Within minutes you will have a squishy, snot-like mixture.

BONUS: Make Glowing Snot!!!