ZOMBIE BOSS AT A SEXUAL HARASSMENT DEPOSITION

EBAY ODDBALL FIND: LIFESIZE SEVERED HEAD

Oops, my bad. I meant a lifesize ZOMBIE HEAD. This mutilated masterpiece is an original sculpt from latex and polyfoam. Then hand painted with an attention to detail (see below) that rivals even Hollywood’s top creature creators. Comes complete with real zombie hair and teeth. Opening price is $59. Get a head (sorry) of the game and click here to start bidding now. 

39 YEAR OLD BUYS Wii GAME AT LOCAL GAMESTOP AND KID AT REGISTER DOESN’T LAUGH AT SELECTION.

by Nameless Dad (NWM Staff Writer)

In college I could buy condoms and never cared what the register guy thought. Diapers, maxi pads, porn mags you name it, I’ve bought it without a worry in the world. Though get me in a video store and all the sudden I’m as nervous as a 7^th grader walking into algebra with his first honking, big zit on his nose (just guessing how that'd feel.) For some reason I actually care when it comes to this scenario. I don’t want to be judged as the old guy with stupid, out-of-touch tastes in games. “Animal Crossing?! Nice choice Grandpa!”

Well you can imagine my elated surprise when I placed Sega’s HOUSE OF THE DEAD: OVERKILL on the counter and got some very positive looks from the teen video game guru jockeying the register. He even went so far as to tell me how it’s one of his favorite games and they practically sold out of this one. Though I did push my luck when I said the wife and I liked HOUSE OF THE DEAD 1 & 2. That’s when he retorted with the classic, “Dude, those totally blew!” comment. Anyway, here’s what’s great about this Wii wonder…

Cost: Only 19 bucks (at most GameStops)

Co-op play: You can play two people at the same time like Contra or Double Dragon.

Killer graphics: Undead zombies and mutant creatures look pretty cool and even better when you blow their heads off.

Guinness Book of World Record holder: No joke, Guinness recognized it as the game that uses the F curse the most amount of times (189).

More Torture toys: This version allows you to upgrade weaponry at the gun shop between levels.

Only eh part: Still has pre-determined character movement.

FLASH MOB FAVES.

SO WHAT IS IT?

Wiki defines Flash Mobs as those large group of people who assemble suddenly in a public place to perform an unusual action for a brief time, then quickly disperse.

WHAT’S IT USED FOR?

Sh-ts and giggles. A marketing ploy. Youtube hits. Blow off steam.

TOP TYPES IN MY BOOK:

Battle politely.

Fitting Zombie Michael tribute.

Speedo-mania.

A ZOMBIE "HOW-TO" GUIDE.

by Joshen McEwen (NWM Staff Writer)

So I have been working on a new little series and I have been compiling all the ways that one CAN become a zombie. Now zombie mythology is deep and complicated, but I’m pretty sure that if you avoid the following list of Zombinogens, you can spend the rest of your life NOT being one of the rotting, disgusting undead.

1) Don’t get bit by zombies!

I think this goes without saying. But hey, it's worth repeating a couple of times. The first thing you should try and do is avoid is getting bit by a zombie. No matter how the person that bit you became a zombie it’s almost guaranteed that in their quest for flesh, if they bite you, you’re a goner. So avoid Zombie bites. In fact, one should avoid allowing any type of zombie infected fluid from entering any orifice. If you must have sex with a Zombie, use protection.

 

2) Beware of viruses, especially viruses that have single letter names.

Now the most popular "zombie causing" virus has to be the T-virus created by the Umbrella corporation from the Resident Evil franchise. Don’t be fooled, many zombie movies start off with a scientist tinkering with some type of reanimation agent that goes wrong. Sometimes the virus is nameless. Sometimes it’s in a vial with some sort of toxic waste label. Beware, If you're not sure what illness the virus causes (like the x virus) chances are it will turn you into a zombie.

 

3) Spontaneous Zombie Generation:

Now there have been unexplained zombie incidents, like in Michael Jackson’s Thriller. it was simply after midnight, or when the living dead just walk. I t just seems like this is happening because it’s time to happen. Usually this type of zombie incident is the result of the dead waking up and then killing the living, turning them into zombies. All we can do is hope that SZG doesn’t happen within your lifetime. Though it might be cool to happen to you if you’re already deceased.

 

4) Beware of Curses, Witch Doctors, Shamans, Village Elders and Spiritual leaders, and other supernatural beings.

The last thing you want is for someone to put a curse on you. Or conduct some type of hobos pobos, majimbob that turns you into the living dead. Many zombies have been made corporeal by some type of religious summoning. Watch out for people carrying shrunken heads, some type of really cool looking stick, or that threatens you with an army of the undead. Some mythological higher beings are also responsible for creating the undead. Beware, in some cases vampires have been known to create and employ zombie henchman .

 

5) Do not ingest any form of Zombie flesh or undead animal.

Anything that has become a zombie can potentially turn you into a Zombie. So if you eat the odd zombie cow hamburger, (after you die from the food poisoning) you too will rise from the dead.

 

6) Aliens also create zombies:

For some odd reasons aliens come half across the universe to reanimate our dead, or inhabit them. It may be a cosmic joke or sometimes it’s the self-preservation of a dying race. Either way when aliens make their way to earth, they make life a nightmare for all the rest of us.

As long as you avoid the 6 listed reasons I can ALMOST guarantee you wont become a Zombie. 

NWM GIFT IDEA: ZOMBIE, MUTANT TEDDY BEARS!

Just ‘cause it’s a plush toy, doesn’t mean it has to be loveable. The folks at Teddy Scares have seen to that with their line of cuddly corpses. Each one comes complete with its own ghoulish back-story. Like Mundy Drudge, a bear that was left mangled in a garage. No issues there. Teddy Scares prices range from $14 - $40. But wait, that’s still not all, they also offer apparel, a fan club membership, comic books and yes, Tofu the Vegan Zombie.