Friday, October 30, 2009


by Joshen McEwen (NWM Staff Writer)

So I have been working on a new little series and I have been compiling all the ways that one CAN become a zombie. Now zombie mythology is deep and complicated, but I’m pretty sure that if you avoid the following list of Zombinogens, you can spend the rest of your life NOT being one of the rotting, disgusting undead.

1) Don’t get bit by zombies!

I think this goes without saying. But hey, it's worth repeating a couple of times. The first thing you should try and do is avoid is getting bit by a zombie. No matter how the person that bit you became a zombie it’s almost guaranteed that in their quest for flesh, if they bite you, you’re a goner. So avoid Zombie bites. In fact, one should avoid allowing any type of zombie infected fluid from entering any orifice. If you must have sex with a Zombie, use protection.


2) Beware of viruses, especially viruses that have single letter names.

Now the most popular "zombie causing" virus has to be the T-virus created by the Umbrella corporation from the Resident Evil franchise. Don’t be fooled, many zombie movies start off with a scientist tinkering with some type of reanimation agent that goes wrong. Sometimes the virus is nameless. Sometimes it’s in a vial with some sort of toxic waste label. Beware, If you're not sure what illness the virus causes (like the x virus) chances are it will turn you into a zombie.


3) Spontaneous Zombie Generation:

Now there have been unexplained zombie incidents, like in Michael Jackson’s Thriller. it was simply after midnight, or when the living dead just walk. I t just seems like this is happening because it’s time to happen. Usually this type of zombie incident is the result of the dead waking up and then killing the living, turning them into zombies. All we can do is hope that SZG doesn’t happen within your lifetime. Though it might be cool to happen to you if you’re already deceased.


4) Beware of Curses, Witch Doctors, Shamans, Village Elders and Spiritual leaders, and other supernatural beings.

The last thing you want is for someone to put a curse on you. Or conduct some type of hobos pobos, majimbob that turns you into the living dead. Many zombies have been made corporeal by some type of religious summoning. Watch out for people carrying shrunken heads, some type of really cool looking stick, or that threatens you with an army of the undead. Some mythological higher beings are also responsible for creating the undead. Beware, in some cases vampires have been known to create and employ zombie henchman .


5) Do not ingest any form of Zombie flesh or undead animal.

Anything that has become a zombie can potentially turn you into a Zombie. So if you eat the odd zombie cow hamburger, (after you die from the food poisoning) you too will rise from the dead.


6) Aliens also create zombies:

For some odd reasons aliens come half across the universe to reanimate our dead, or inhabit them. It may be a cosmic joke or sometimes it’s the self-preservation of a dying race. Either way when aliens make their way to earth, they make life a nightmare for all the rest of us.

As long as you avoid the 6 listed reasons I can ALMOST guarantee you wont become a Zombie. 

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