Tuesday, May 3, 2011

THE NICE WAY TO GIVE THAT INSECURE PUNK-ASS KID CONFIDENCE

I’m not a child psychologist. I don’t have any kids…yet. However, I have owned a guinea pig for six months now. Plus, I've seen every season of the Cosby Show and The Brady Brides. 
So yes, I am pretty much overqualified to offer up THE NICE WAY TO GIVE THAT INSECURE PUNK-ASS KID CONFIDENCE. All I'm saying is if you give the punk ass kid (in your life) a reason to feel good about himself, maybe he won't make your life miserable anymore.

Step 1. Choose the punk ass kid who makes your life a living hell. Could be the punk that cuts through your lawn, steals your paper, makes fun of you when you walk to work – or a pop star.

Step 2. Find out when the insecure punk will be at the mall with his punk friends.

Step 3. Buy a Gelatin Blood Capsules Complete Blood Pack ($7 @ Amazon)


Step 4. Hide blood pack in your shirt.


Step 5. At the right moment slap your head and let a few drops of blood drip down.


Step 6. Confront the punk.


Step 7. Tell him that it is their negative energy that is causing* your head to bleed. *- I’ve seen enough CW shows to know for a fact that punk kids will believe anything.

Step 8. Say that a simple wave of his hand is the only thing that can help.


Step 9. After the hand waving is complete, wipe away the blood. The jr. punks will be amazed that no mark is on your head. As a result the insecure punk ass kid will have regained confidence to face the world....and leave you (and your lawn) alone.


Step 10. Email me with praises.

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30 comments:

  1. Let me know if that works, I may need to try it with the grandtweens.

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  2. Or the tween will just run away from the bleeding man confronting them...

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  3. Something tells me you've done this before....

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  4. i was charged with sexual harassment because of this

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  5. Considering this generation. . . I wouldn't be surprised.

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  6. Who knows this might come in handy one day.

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  7. sound like you done this before

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  8. I feel like this is referencing something, but I'm not really sure. :/

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  9. let me know when you try this and if it works

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  10. OMG - this is hilarious. The disappearing blood - too funny. Thanks.

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  11. OMG....lol.... this is hilarious...lol.

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  12. On Halloween, do the police make sure to visit and see that you are safely home and not preying on our children?

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  13. A Guinea pig is all you need!!!

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  14. You are too funny!
    Wouldn't you rather just slap them a couple of times?

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  15. Can't we just slap the blood all over them instead?

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  16. Great idea. I think it would give them some well needed confidence.

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  17. or you can just kill him right?

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  18. true. treat them well and maybe they wont be such douche bags

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  19. If that doesn't work I've always preferred biological warfare.

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  20. for some reason, i thought this was gonna be a post about bieber getting egged. glad it wasn't :) my book comes out in september :)

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  21. p.s. ironically i mentioned cosby show in my blog today before reading this, how odd.
    p.p.s. i love that you mentioned brady brides, awesome reference!

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  22. Dang it... I don't know any punk kids. All three of my nephews are well behaved. I guess I could always use it to fake a law suit.

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  23. Duh, this would totally work! This is awesome, great steps. And those CW shows, who the eff watches that crap?!? Oh yeah, those punk kids. Destroying the world and decent TV all at the same time :(

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  24. Gee, maybe I should use you to give me pointers on mending the broken fence with my son. haha. This was funny.

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