APRIL FOOL'S PRANK IDEA #1: THE MISSING KIDNEY

Here's an easy, fun loving April Fool's joke that pranksters as well as the prankees can all share in a good laugh.

What you need:

• Doctor with working knowledge of anesthesiology / chemistry (or NyQuil)
• Stopwatch
• Bathtub
• Written note
• 4 bags of ice
• 2 bottles of beer
• Shaving cream
• Razor
• Bandage

Prank Instructions:

Step 1. Have your doctor friend spike a bottle of beer so that your buddy will be out for approximately 22.5 minutes.

Step 2. Give tainted beer to your buddy.

Step 3. Once your buddy is passed out, shave location where kidney is on the body. Then bandage the area.

 

Step 4. Carry your buddy to tub and carefully place him inside.

Step 5. Pour ice all over friend. Then leave a written note that tells your buddy you have stolen his kidney. Leave a running stopwatch near the tub for a more realistic effect.

 

Step 6. Hide as your friend awakens to the horrific situation. Let him sweat it out for a good 4 minutes.

Step 7. Burst into the bathroom and yell, “APRIL FOOLS!"

SADLY WE SAY BID FAREWELL TO THE MOST DISGUSTING CANDY ON THE PLANET

Only OffBeatTreats can offer something so, so, well you be the judge.

Hose Nose Liquid Booger Candy

No candy-coating these usage steps for you:

Step #1: Place the nose mask on your face.

Step #2: Remove the red cap underneath the nose

Step #3: Squeeze green stuff onto your tongue

Step #4: Relive one of the creepiest times in your life that you’d never admit to.

Sadly the company has discontinued this treasured treat (for an undisclosed reason). So grab it now for ONLY $2.49 on OffBeatTreats, before it’s $249.00 on ebay.

ONE MOVIE YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY RENT, BUT (WHAT THE HELL) I’LL SPOIL THE ENDING ANYWAY.

FLATLINERS (1990): Rachel, Joe, and David all use their experiences with death to eventually make amends with their inner-demons. Nelson too is able to overcome the guilt from accidentally killing his childhood friend. Though he has to be dead the longest to do so. FYI…Randy Steckle never dies in the movie. 

HEY! THE LUNCH BOX SOME PUNK USED TO BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF MY SISTER IS ON EBAY.

Never thought I see that again, but there it was in all its 799KBs of glory. 

The Fall Guy lunch box (with Thermos) that some 9 yr. old used to send my sister to the nurse's office. I'm older than my sister so we had lunch periods at different times. So I was unable to come to her rescue.

Apparently what happened is this little, slightly hyperactive runt of a girl thought my sister cut in line for free fudgesicle day. My sister said she didn’t and I believe her. However, this kid thought otherwise and grabbed the nearest thing to smack her with – a metallic 1981 Fall Guy Lunch Box. My sister sustained a minor bump to the head, nothing serious. She's fine today.

FYI…The FALL GUY starred Lee Majors and Heather Thomas. The show lasted from ’81 – ’86.

The lunchbox itself sells for $99.99 on ebay.

This Heather Thomas poster sells for $13 on ebay 

– one of the first visuals I had ever pleasured myself to. TMI?

I HATE WHEN THEY SAY THIS AND I KNOW YOU DO TOO.

YIPPEE! RESURRECTION OF CHRIST CANDIES ARE ALREADY HERE!

Walked into the neighborhood uber-pharmacy this week and I already saw the Easter candies displayed. Of course I don’t celebrate the Big E. I do Passover (the one where you have to eat crackers instead of bread for a week). Though that doesn’t mean I can’t partake in the sugar sweet sins of Eastery goodness. I’m over 18 so I can buy whatever I want in any store. OR I can just wait ‘til my officemates bring in leftovers on Monday. Anyhow here’s what Easter candy I’ve seen so far … and 10 days later you'll witness the resurrection of my big belly.

GUARANTEED YOU’VE NEVER HEARD THIS PERVERSE PHRASE UTTERED ON A FRIDAY (or a Tuesday for that matter)

Girl on guinea pig action

Thank you. I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitresses and to call me a creepy, sexist pig. 

OH GREAT, YET ANOTHER MILLION DOLLAR IDEA THAT PASSED ME BY.

Just reading this product description makes me weep with jealously.

• Pen-cap utensil set: spoon, knife, and fork
• Fits standard ballpoint pens (included)
• Food-safe
• Hand wash only
• Perfect for your cubicle mates!

Sells for only $8.95 at Neatoshop.com

OUR ECONOMY MIGHT BE IN THE CRAPPER, BUT YOU CAN STILL POOP ON PALIN AND PISS ON RUSH FOR $4.99 (each)

Only in America do we offer an opportunity like this. I mean now I know what type of gold our streets are paved with. It truly is amazing that on ebay you can nab these premium toilet targets (made of space-age something) for ONLY $4.99. 

FLUSH RUSH LIMBAUGH

SARAH PALIN [insert funny toilet humor here]

To be honest, I have no ill will towards either newsmaker. I just can sleep tight knowing that someone in this country is helping to keep all Americans in check with quality products like the Wizzstickers. I'll think twice about pissing these guys off [groan].

MY FREAK FLAG IS FLYING THIS TUESDAY BECAUSE…

…it is in honor of last Wednesday. I got wasted! Big whoop. Right? Well on this occasion I did something I haven’t done in at least 5 months (since I started dieting). I ate Chef Boyardee CheesyBurger Ravioli  (300 calories) right out of the can! It was ice cold and it tasted delish! 

Personally I think all canned foods should be eaten that way. Microwaving kills its natural juices. The heat makes the sauce all watery too. 

The freak flag I choose to fly features a dead drunk pirate. Specifically TIME FLIES WHEN YOU'RE HAVING RUM PIRATE.

Since most of my drunkness can be attributed to a certain amount of rum based shots I feel this is an appropriate F-flag to fly. It sells for $4.99 on Ebay.

I’M A JEW AND I JUST LOVE THIS KORAN QUOTE ON THIS COFFEE MUG

It reads …

الخبز يغذي الجسم، والواقع، ولكن أيضا الزهور تغذية الروح

Translation:

Bread feeds the body, indeed, but flowers feed also the soul. 

~The Koran (Qur'an)

I like it. Very zen-like and relaxing – especially for a cold, dreary Monday. 

The quote itself is nestled on a pink floral print with cream accents. The cool part is the quote and background magically appear every time hot water is added. You can buy the mug on Zazzle for the total cost of $19.95 – totally worth it in my opinion. 

SAVE BIG BUCKS ON BAD ASS RAZORS

Can’t get much better than this offer from Security Wizard! You get two (count ‘em) 2 “Sweeney Todd replica Razors for ONLY $25.  These “His” and “her” straight razors would totally make the perfect 25^th anniversary gift. 25^th is silver, right? Definitely not paper, or Zinc.

Bitchin’ bad ass razor specs…

Measures 10 plus inches

Made from 440 Stainless steel

Uber-Sharp edge is optimal for shaving legs and face

Handle engraved with exact pattern seen in movie

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROCK THE CRADLE OF LOVE

Yep, Billy Idol’s single “Rock the Cradle of Love” from his 4^th album (Charmed Life) turns 21 years old this year. The song rocketed to #2 on the Billboard charts in 1990. And like many other hot singles of the time period, it also doubled as a theme to a movie – The Adventures of Ford Fairlane. 

You remember that one, right? Andrew Dice Clay plays a rock & roll detective. This cinematic Meh-fest also stars Wayne Newton, Lauren Holly, Morris Day, Ed O’ Neil, Robert Englund and a slew of cameos. 

OH AND WE CAN’T FORGET THE VIDEO…

Idol’s video basically centers around an older male socialite trying to resist the urge to fool around with another socialite’s hot younger daughter in his apartment. Ford Fairlane clips are peppered throughout the film. Idol also makes a stunning appearance by moving from painting to Warhol-esque painting in the man’s apartment. 

For the time period, it rocked in the special effects department. So much so that it won the MTV award for best movie video song. 

BTW…Betsy Lynn George plays the girl in the video. 

And yes, she was of age at the time of filming (20 years to be exact). Oh, and check out that classic mac used in the video. I actually owned one. 

Ok, I’ll shutup now so you can take in this dazzling display of 90’s high concept with an infectious beat.

HEY, IF YOU WAKE UP NAKED IN HUNGARY WITH ONLY $18 STUCK IN YOUR ANAL CAVITY – YOU’RE WELCOME.

Why should you be thanking me? ‘Cause chances are you’ll be scared and confused. And dollars to Fánks (a Hungarian donut) you’ll be in need of a taxi service to get you safely to your hotel or the airport. So here it is (thank me personally once you get back to the states.)

FÕTAXI DEBRECEN

Tel: +36 5244 45 55

Wesselenyi Ut. 6 4024 Debrecen

FYI…the dollar is doing ok against the Hungarian forint so you should have enough. 

SHHH…DON’T TELL THE WIFE.

So because I’ve been working like a dog at work, they granted me a day off tomorrow. YES!! Sadly my wife can’t get off. So tomorrow the forecast calls for a 99% chance that I will do something naughty. Instead of having a sensible lunch like this…

I will be ordering from the Mac Daddy of ‘em all – S’MAC!!!!

Yes, you heard right. And the name does certainly say it all. It literally is a restaurant that makes all kinds of Mac ‘n Cheese – over ten varieties.

WHAT WILL I GET?

My all-time fave – A major munch of 4 cheese macaroni with a double kiss of ground beef and topped off with breadcrumbs. 

There’s also an outside chance I’ll eat it while watching softcore porn or a Bruckheimer movie. Haven’t decided yet. Thoughts?

Oh, and yes, I might have a green beer too. Happy St. Pats!!!

WRAP-AROUND vs. REACH-AROUND

Probably the 11th & 12th most misused terms in the English language (right behind boychick vs. ladyboy.) I myself have gotten the phrases confused numerous times – once in front of mixed company.

WRAP-AROUND:

A garment that is wrapped or folded about a person such as a robe, cloak, shawl or pashmina.

REACH-AROUND:

The act of grabbing a partner from a reverse angle and stimulating his organ through hand contact until climax occurs (or the cops arrive). A practice most commonly found in less reputable massage parlors. Sometimes referred to as a happy ending. 

THE QUINTESSENTIAL DEAD RAT FOR THE “DEAD RAT IN THE BUCKET OF CHICKEN” TRICK

Hey, who’s going to say “no!” to a free meal in this economy? Certainly not me. Of course unless your last name is Trump, Bieber, or Anheuser Busch it ain’t happening. Though with a squished dead rat prop in your hand, the world is your oyster. Found a beauty at The Fright Depot site for ONLY $5.77.

Here are the stats:

6" long.

Extremely realistic

Made of latex

Hypoallergenic

Now all you need to do is to stick Arvel (yes, I named the rat) in a delicious bucket of chicken and dinner is FREE. You're welcome!