A DOUCHEY DID YOU KNOW: FACEBOOK Edition

I’m not suggesting that anyone try this at all. If ya did, I'm 72.8% sure all of your friends and family would think you’re a total douche. But c’mon, don’t you just get the urge to do something like this at least once?

Am I evil for having this thought? 

MY FAVORITE, FAVORITE DOG HUMPING TOYS for under $20

I don’t know about you guys, but every time I see a dog make love to a couch leg it brings a smile to my face. I can only imagine the expression your child will have when they rush to their presents Christmas morning and unwrap a cuddly canine in the “let’s get it on” position. And with a little help from your favorite NY, Jewish, Christmas elf I can make that a reality for under 20 bucks.

#1: SQUIRT THE HUMPING BULLDOG

Just attach Squirt to any leg, then squeeze his foot, and you’re off on a humping adventure. Costs only $15.99 @ 1ofakindstuff.com

#2: HUMPING USB DOG

Plug him into your USB port on your computer and he won’t stop trying to plug your computer. Only $9.99 @ Thinkgeek.com

#3: HUMPING DOG TODDLER T-SHIRT

Now your baby doesn’t have to miss out on all the dog humping happiness with this toddler tee. Made of 100% cotton. Only $14.99 @ Cafepress.com

TO SAVE YOURSELF FROM BEING EATEN, WHAT ARE YOU BETTER OFF FEEDING A BEAR – YOUR PUPPY OR KITTEN?

“How could you even think I’d sacrifice my [insert your precious pet’s name]?”

That’s something I suspect you might ask me if we were having this conversation over a grande mocha java latte, rather than you reading this post.

Me personally, I’m all about self-preservation. I mean I just bought this guinea pig. Her name is Bailey.

I feed her. I care for her. And yes, I love her dearly. Though honestly, I wouldn’t think twice of using her as a fuzzy wuzzy pig-in-a-blanket if a bear was on my ass.

So back to the subject at hand, what should you feed the hungry grizzly bear? My vote would have to be the puppy. I am correct and I will show you my work to prove it. 

FIRST, I did a google search (see visual evidence below) about which animal has been eaten more times by a bear. Dogs got way more hits. 

SECOND, cats are better climbers. If the kitten is able to escape the clutches of the bear by climbing a tree then who do you think is next on the dinner menu?

BASED ON THIS EMPIRICAL DATA YOU CAN’T GO WRONG WITH FEEDING YOUR PUPPY TO THE BEAR. End of discussion. 

SIMPLE SADISTIC FUN WITH FACEBOOK

What I am about to suggest is HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE – First class ticket to hell worthy. That being said, the evil part of me thinks it would be kind of a hoot. Here’s what I’m thinking: Simply give a “thumbs up” to a marginally tragic Facebook statement. See Example below.

PLEASE NOTE: Before attempting use your best judgment. There are obviously some truly horrific situations you should never Thumbs Up.  Oh, and also make sure the FB person posting the statement has a sense of humor. 

Best of luck and let me know how it turns out.

SUPER EASY WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR DOG WAS MURDERED

Pets do die. It is a sad fact of life. What isn’t fact is how your little friend might’ve passed on. Sure you can attribute it to old age or God forbid an accident. But what if the latter wasn’t the case? What if some raging psycho off’d your pooch because the barking kept him up at night? Sure, the obvious premeditated stuff is easy to tell like a BB gun or a hit & run. However there are plenty of other less obvious smoking guns...like poisons. And remember, you’re dealing with a dog here. Some of the most common household items may be harmless to you, but could easily be poochie poison. Stuff like… 

ACETAMINOPHEN (found in Tylenol)

Symptoms: Diarrhea, shortness of breath, and dark colored urine.

CHOCOLATE

Symptoms: Diarrhea and cardiac arrest.

MARIJUANA

Symptoms: Nervous system failure, vomiting, and rapid heart rate.

YEAST DOUGH

Symptoms: Stomach and/or intestinal rupture. 

***BONUS***

RAT POISON

Symptoms: Internal bleeding, pale gums, bloody nose, urine, and feces.

You can learn about the rest of the canine toxins at the...

Animal Poison Control Center

LATE NIGHT FIGHTS: CAT vs. DOG