HAVE YOU EVER MADE A COMMENT SNAFU?

I’d be lying if I proclaimed to have never missed the main idea of a post. I’m sure it’s happened one, two, or fourteen times (see visual below).  What about you all? Be honest. I won’t judge.

A DOUCHEY DID YOU KNOW: FACEBOOK Edition

I’m not suggesting that anyone try this at all. If ya did, I'm 72.8% sure all of your friends and family would think you’re a total douche. But c’mon, don’t you just get the urge to do something like this at least once?

Am I evil for having this thought? 

SO HOW DID CASPER DIE?

The classic 1950s Harvey cartoons always seemed to gloss over the subject. However Casper's cause of death was finally offered up in the 1995 big screen adaption starring Christina Ricci. Apparently the friendly ghost was originally a stubborn kid. Casper was sledding on a cold winter's day. His dad told him to come inside. Casper refused, and eventually contracted a fatal case of pneumonia. The end.

SO WILL I DIE IF I DOWN A WHOLE TUBE OF TOOTHPASTE?

Yes, the "powers that be" have given me the day off today for good behavior. Whooo hooo. Of course the one bad part is my wife can’t share in my merriment. She has to work. So what will I do to occupy my time? Here’s what’s on the menu today…

• Go for a run (10 minutes worth)
• Eat something REALLY bad for lunch
• Surf porn
• Watch a cheesy action movie
• Surf porn
• Questions the great mysteries of life

I won’t bore you with 1 through 5. Instead I’ll skip right to 6. Today’s GREAT MYSTERY that has entered my brain is (drum roll please) …

WILL I DIE IF I EAT A WHOLE TUBE OF TOOTHPASTE?

Now I’m sure everyone in the blogosphere has accidentally swallowed the white stuff every now and then. Totally nasty. So what if I saw past the pain and squeezed that whole tube in my mouth? Would it be death by minty freshness?

HERE'S WHAT I FOUND...

99% of the “answer” sites I looked at said basically the same thing. Eating toothpaste is bad, and you should call poison control immediately. LAME!  That tells me squat. But fear not, 2 sites did dish the dirt. YES, YOU WILL DIE! Well, yes, depending on how much you weigh. Apparently if you don’t have enough body weight you’d die of [get this] – Fluoride poisoning.  Another site made a bolder statement saying that a tube of fluoride is almost as poisonous as arsenic. Not sure I believe that, or the fact that toothpaste also contains Sodium lauryl sulfate which might (or might not) cause diarrhea. Happy Friday!

DON’T READ THIS POST IF YOU THINK I’M A NICE GUY.

Honestly, I am a good person. Or at least I try to be. I just hope when my time comes, and I take that great escalator to the pearly gates it will go something like this…

Setup: Old man Jesse is waiting patiently to get into the kingdom of heaven. Gabriel (the head angel) is checking everyone in.

Gabriel: Number 45634? Number 45634?

Jesse: That’s me. Hello. Hi…I’m…

Gabriel: Cohen, Jesse. Have your file here.

Jesse: Not sure if it matters, but I’m allergic to pima cotton and poison ivy.

Gabriel: It doesn’t anymore, but your SATs do. 

Jesse: I knew it.

Gabriel: Hmmm, math, not so great, but your verbal is good enough for entry. Ok, see the nice lady with the wings?

Jesse: No. Oh wait, yes. She’s cute.

Gabriel: She’s my daughter.

Jesse: I’m sorry…I…

Gabriel: Quite all right. Happens all the time. Anyhow, Anna we’ll give you your packet. And she also has your dead dog…

Jesse: Scarlet?

Gabriel: Sa…

Jesse: Sammy!

Gabriel: Yes. So go pick up your packet, and I’ll see you at the New Angels Mixer.

Unfortunately, this is how I think it’s going to really happen….

Set-up: Starting from the check in scene.

Jesse: Not sure if it matters, but I’m allergic to pima cotton and poison ivy.

Gabriel: It doesn’t, but your SATs do. Hmmm, math, not so great, but your verbal is good enough for entry. Ooh wait…we might have an issue.

Jesse: What? Like with your computer? Is it a PC?

Gabriel: No, I’m afraid you have what we call an "EB" on your record.

Jesse: EB?

Gabriel: Evil Blemish.

Jesse: Seriously? I gave to charity. I was a decent husband. I paid my taxes. I…

Gabriel: The incident in question occurred on June 16, 2006.

Jesse: Oh...that. [long pause] Is Hell going to be really hot?

So why would I give up so fast? Because what I did on that day was truly, truly evil. No excuses. 

C’MON, TELL US ALREADY. WE'VE GOT OTHER BLOGS TO READ.

My evil deed occurred at approximately 10:43pm. Just to give you a bit of back up, I was a reverse commuter at the time (NYC to Stamford, CT). I spent around 1 hr. plus on the Metro-North train each way. Unfortunately that night I clocked in at about 3.5 hours. Why? Well in my defense they didn’t tell us for the first two hours. So by hour number three I was good and pissed when the conductor finally made the official announcement.

An individual committed suicide by jumping in front of a train. My train. So there it was…news of a horrific tragedy. Now mind you, later after I was home I did feel bad for the guy. Honestly I did. But, if we are counting first impression thoughts, I’ll just say it wasn’t my finest 2 minutes. I won’t give you a detailed description, just a few keywords: loser, annoying, f*cker, jerk, and a handful of others George Carlin taught me.

“DEATH IS TRAGIC, BUT WHEN IT DISTURBS YOUR COMMUTE IT’S ANNOYING.”

A horrible sentiment that I wish I could take back, but I can’t. Never did find out who that troubled soul was that ended his life so abruptly on June 16, 2006. But I guess this long-ass post is my way of saying I’m sorry for thinking those selfish thoughts. If I had to do it over I’d like to think I’d be a lot less petty, and a little more human.

Hope you finally found peace brother!

JASON’S UNABRIDGED LIST OF WEAPONRY.

Mr. Friday the 13^th (Jason) was anything but predictable when it came to killing time. Here is pretty much every conceivable weapon he used in all the films (definitely gets points for creativity).

Ice pick, barbed wire, hammer claw, machete, knife, spear, meat cleaver, knitting needle, pitchfork, fuse box, fireplace poker, wrench, surgical hacksaw, scalpel, corkscrew, axe, garden harrow, tree branch, broken bottle, RV, hunting knife, dart, bare hands, tent spike, sleeping bag, scythe, party horn, butcher knife, window, tree-trimming saw, spear gun, electric guitar, hot sauna rock, mirror shard, harpoon, control panel, deck post, syringe, steam pipe, barrel of sewage, Jason’s heart, autopsy probe, pencil, finger, straight razor, barbed wire, car door, knife sharpening pole, barbecue skewer, chain, noose pole, metal door, liquid nitrogen, mining drill, claw hook, shelf bracket, glove, arrow, deer antlers.

HIP FUNERAL PARLOR LINGO.

In case you find yourself at a mortuary mixer, here are some terms you might find useful.

CASKET RACK - A device which allows caskets to be placed one on top of the other for display purposes.

CENOTAPH - An empty tomb or monument erected in memory or a person buried elsewhere.

DISINTER - To remove the remains from the burial place; to dig up.

INTER - To bury a dead body in the earth in a grave or tomb.

INURNMENT - The placing of the ashes of one cremated in an urn.

NICHE - A hollowed space in a wall made especially (in this connotation) for placing of urns containing cremated remains.

PURGE - A discharge from the deceased through the mouth, nose and ears of matter from the stomach and intestine caused by improper or ineffectual embalming, due to putrefaction.

SLUMBER ROOM - A room equipped with, besides the usual furniture, a bed upon which the deceased is placed prior to casketing on the day of the funeral. The body, appropriately dressed, lies in state on the bed.

 

THE BANNED FILM THAT TRULY SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME.

In the summer of ’85 two video rentals left lasting impressions in my oversized head to this day – Wrestlemania and Faces of Death III. I’m sure legions of wrestling fans can recall the first Hulk-a-maniac's event blow by body-slam. Though not many have privy to the latter. Faces of Death (I through IV) were a series of films that pretty much lived up to the title. Each flick was a collection of “home-movie style” vignettes that portrayed all kinds of gruesome, final chapters. Animals being slaughtered. Prisoners being electrocuted. Even horrific, historical footage of the napalm bombings in Vietnam. Though, the one that sticks out in my mind the most was the guy that plummeted to his death from a tall building. I still remember him hitting the ground and not splatting, but bouncing a bit. Eeeewww. What scared me the most was that all of stuff I was watching was real. At least that’s what the filmmaker John Alan Schwartz led us to believe. Years later I found out that 40% of the human deaths were faked. Still, it didn’t make a bit of difference to me. To this day, Faces of Death was one of the scariest things I ever laid my eyes on. Of course I was 15, and yes, I did also believed in the validity of Wrestlemania.

Here are some other little known facts about this frightening, fake-ish series…

• The budget of the first (1978) film was $450,000.
• The film jumped to supercult status and to date has grossed 35 million.
• The film's “banned in 30 countries” warning is a bit misleading, since it was only temporarily banned in Australia, New Zealand, Norway and Finland.
• John Alan Schwartz (credited as Johnny Getyerkokov) made cameos in all of the films, including appearing as a leader of a flesh-eating cult.
• Faces of Death producers have recently released a 30 anniversary DVD/Blu Ray collection.