Honestly, I am a good person. Or at least I try to be. I just hope when my time comes, and I take that great escalator to the pearly gates it will go something like this…
Setup: Old man Jesse is waiting patiently to get into the kingdom of heaven. Gabriel (the head angel) is checking everyone in.
Gabriel: Number 45634? Number 45634?
Jesse: That’s me. Hello. Hi…I’m…
Gabriel: Cohen, Jesse. Have your file here.
Jesse: Not sure if it matters, but I’m allergic to pima cotton and poison ivy.
Gabriel: It doesn’t anymore, but your SATs do.
Jesse: I knew it.
Gabriel: Hmmm, math, not so great, but your verbal is good enough for entry. Ok, see the nice lady with the wings?
Jesse: No. Oh wait, yes. She’s cute.
Gabriel: She’s my daughter.
Jesse: I’m sorry…I…
Gabriel: Quite all right. Happens all the time. Anyhow, Anna we’ll give you your packet. And she also has your dead dog…
Jesse: Scarlet?
Gabriel: Sa…
Jesse: Sammy!
Gabriel: Yes. So go pick up your packet, and I’ll see you at the New Angels Mixer.
Unfortunately, this is how I think it’s going to really happen….
Set-up: Starting from the check in scene.
Jesse: Not sure if it matters, but I’m allergic to pima cotton and poison ivy.
Gabriel: It doesn’t, but your SATs do. Hmmm, math, not so great, but your verbal is good enough for entry. Ooh wait…we might have an issue.
Jesse: What? Like with your computer? Is it a PC?
Gabriel: No, I’m afraid you have what we call an "EB" on your record.
Jesse: EB?
Gabriel: Evil Blemish.
Jesse: Seriously? I gave to charity. I was a decent husband. I paid my taxes. I…
Gabriel: The incident in question occurred on June 16, 2006.
Jesse: Oh...that. [long pause] Is Hell going to be really hot?
So why would I give up so fast? Because what I did on that day was truly, truly evil. No excuses.
C’MON, TELL US ALREADY. WE'VE GOT OTHER BLOGS TO READ.
My evil deed occurred at approximately 10:43pm. Just to give you a bit of back up, I was a reverse commuter at the time (NYC to Stamford, CT). I spent around 1 hr. plus on the Metro-North train each way. Unfortunately that night I clocked in at about 3.5 hours. Why? Well in my defense they didn’t tell us for the first two hours. So by hour number three I was good and pissed when the conductor finally made the official announcement.
An individual committed suicide by jumping in front of a train. My train. So there it was…news of a horrific tragedy. Now mind you, later after I was home I did feel bad for the guy. Honestly I did. But, if we are counting first impression thoughts, I’ll just say it wasn’t my finest 2 minutes. I won’t give you a detailed description, just a few keywords: loser, annoying, f*cker, jerk, and a handful of others George Carlin taught me.
“DEATH IS TRAGIC, BUT WHEN IT DISTURBS YOUR COMMUTE IT’S ANNOYING.”
A horrible sentiment that I wish I could take back, but I can’t. Never did find out who that troubled soul was that ended his life so abruptly on June 16, 2006. But I guess this long-ass post is my way of saying I’m sorry for thinking those selfish thoughts. If I had to do it over I’d like to think I’d be a lot less petty, and a little more human.
Hope you finally found peace brother!
Wow Copyboy. You are a human being after all! :D
ReplyDeleteThe convos with Gabriel were awesome dude. But I think Saint Peter is actually at the gates. Just sayin'.
I think all of us have thought things that we not all that appropriate given the situation, but we are human and it happens. I think you're good! ;-)
ReplyDeleteWe've all had our share of holdups commuting due to big accidents and people being stuck on the tracks, etc. Cool post, however I thought I was going to wake up to you shoving mayo in your mouf. :P
ReplyDeleteFourthGradeNothing.com
Mayo is for the later post. And as far as Saint P goes, I assumed he let Gabriel check all the Jews in.
ReplyDeleteYou redeemed yourself in your last few sentences. No go put on the nice clothes you featured yesterday and say a few prayers for yourself.
ReplyDeleteI like where this landed and scenario #1. A Cohen in heaven, though? I'm guessing jdate has a booth at the New Angels Mixer.
ReplyDeleteCheers,
R
PS Least I hope they do.
ReplyDeleteShit that was "evil"? I was waiting to hear that you dismembered some poor animal or something. You were just being human.
ReplyDeleteI hope hell isn't too hot...I don't do well in extreme heat.
I must really be in trouble here. I had two thoughts..
ReplyDelete1. What a jerk to jump in front of a commuter train! Didn't he think about the people on the train who needed to get home before the news started?
2. "Why didn't the A-hole jump off a bridge instead?"
Geez Pat.... If all your friends jumped off a bridge? Would you do it too?
ReplyDeleteAnd Ally - 'I thought I was going to wake up to you shoving mayo in your mouf.' That's what she said.
Wait.... Was it Peter Gabriel? Did he sing 'In Your Eyes'? Did he hit that high note? You know what I'm talking about.... 'In.... Your.... EYES!' Right? Oooooh.... How about Sledgehammer?
Awww shit!
ReplyDeleteAnd here I was thinking I was going to get some awesome fucking confession of ludicrous sex with a strange bitch at a park or something.
No good Creeper. I've said and done a lot worse... You're getting in, no fretting Officer Creepy.
Bambi
Am I a bad person for finding this really funny?
ReplyDeleteFunny!
ReplyDelete