AMISH PORN OF THE WEEK

Film:

AMISH DAUGHTERS

Synopsis:
A camcorder mysteriously falls from the sky right smack in the middle of a quaint Amish community. Miss Marion and her sisters are the first to discover this modern marvel. These naive, sheltered (yet bi-curious) women are convinced this is a true sign from God. But what is God trying to tell them? To seek out the answer they go on a journey filled with unbridled passion and shocking sister on sister lesbianism.

Credits:
Directed by maverick creator Jerome Tanner.

Stars newcomers Melissa West (as Miss Marion), Adriana Sage, Jewel De’Nyle & Nina Ferrari.

Run time: 72 minutes

DO THEY HAVE CLOWN PORN ONLINE? IF SO, WHERE?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

“OH HEY I FORGOT TO ASK, WHAT PORN PARODY WON THE ADULT FILM AWARD IN 2011?”

No worries. It was Batman XXX. 

Produced by maverick porn / filmmaker / visionary, Alex Braun. Aside from being an award winner, Batman XXX was the best-selling and rented title of 2010. Here’s the trailer complete with all the film credits. You're welcome.

SURE IT’S GOOD, BUT IS IT PORN PARODY WORTHY?

The Simpsons have been making audiences laugh for over 2 decades. It’s raked in millions of dollars in ad revenue and mechandising and even made “D’oh!” an official word in the Oxford dictionary (in 1998). But is porn parody worthy?

You betcha! This gem is alive and kickin’ at Porn Parody Theater (sorry, no link provided just in case the kiddies discover this post).

Here are some stats if you’re interested ... 

Running Time: 107 minutes

Released:   01/2011

Studio Name:  Lee Roy Meyers

Stars:  Andy Sam Dimas, Asia Zo, Briana Blair, Eddie Adams, Evan Stone, James Deen, Anothy Rosano, Josh Thomas

FYI...you have to pay per minute to view it (so I've heard)

THE WORLD DIDN’T END SO HERE’S MY CAN’T MISS, MONEY MAKING, PORN WEBSITE IDEA FOR YOU.

Anyone who wants my stroke of brilliance is welcome to it. Truth be told I actually came up with this idea before the internet was even created – summer of 1992. Since then I’ve never seen it done. So if anyone in the blogosphere has the capital and the know-how, give me a holla. Now onto to my revolutionary, porno-riffic idea.

BEAR-SIC INSTINCT

Yeah, it is somewhat related to the steamy “Michael Douglas / Sharon Stone” thriller BASIC INSTINCT. However my version uses stuffed animals (teddy bears) in those erotic situations. For just $10.99 a month people would gain access to all kinds of plush animals doing unspeakable acts. Think erotic Muppets. That’s pretty much it.

PROs of BEAR-SIC INSTINCT:

- Low start up costs

- No actors /actresses

- No chance of being sued for offensive material

- No chance of anyone being underage

CONs:

None that I can think of off the top of my head.

If you need further incentive, here are some crude, yet accurate potential site visuals.

6 THINGS I’M 72.8% SURE YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT THE PORN EDWARD PENISHANDS

#1 The DVD sells for $11.49 @ CDuniverse.com.

#2 This 1991 cult porno was a moderate hit spawning 2 more sequels – Edward Penishands 2 and Edward Penishands 3: The Next Generation.

#3 The film was written and directed by Paul Norman who was also responsible for the iconic ORGY movies.

#4 In the movie, cocaine proves to be Edward’s demise for his porn acting career (his hands became limp).

#5 Porn star Sikki Nixxx plays Edward in all 3 films.

#6 The brand Trident gum was product placed into the film for no apparent reason.

NUDIE DEAL OF THE DAY

Tee off with a little T&A cradling your balls. [That line is only dirty if you make so.] PrankPlace.com is now offering a great deal on their nudie golf tees. Each one is made of sturdy space-age plastic and measures just 3 inches high. A set of 4 tees goes for only $10.98. Unfortunately right now they only have headless white chicks. Click here to order or to gawk.

PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! TELL ME HOW I CAN GO TO HELL.

If you say rape a kitten or eat a baby snow seal – that’s not the hell I’m referring to. It’s called HELL.COM. Above is a visual of the homepage. What is it? No F---ing clue. All I do know is it’s an uber-restricted site. If you roll your cursor over the homepage a flash occurs and then it reads NO ACCESS. That’s it. The mystery surrounding HELL.COM has been featured on CNN, NY Times, and the UK Guardian. Each report has offered up their own theories. Heavy metal fan site? A virtual lair for an evil organization? A hacker's hideout? Porn?

The only piece of info that was leaked about the site came in 2007 from the now defunct Sweet.cucumber.com They claimed that HELL.COM is a place for Net-artists to hang and create art. Unfortunately they had no proof to support that claim. But if it is true then someone PLEASE answer these questions for me…

- How do you register?

- Do you need to get an invite?

- How long has the site been up? (wiki says it's been around since '95)

- How do the artists create art on the site?

- Do they sell their art on tshirts or coffee mugs?

The only other clue I’ll leave you with is this video of HELL.COM I found on youtube. Again, I have no idea if this is real or fake.

4 WEIRD WEBCAM SITES YOU CAN VISIT NOW. GO! DON’T EVEN READ MY POST.

To me, a webcam centric site fall into one of the two Ls – Lame or Lust. I have many friends (not myself mind you) who have frequented porn sites that feature a webcam. They (meaning my friends, not me) say it’s a great way not just to see a porn vixen pose, but get to know her as a human being. Understand her hopes and dreams, and what she might do with a donkey for 6,000 pesos.

On the flip side there are the lame sites. Webcam destinations with the best of intentions, but turn out to be yawn fests where cool stuff rarely ever happens (i.e. bar, city walkway, and vacation destination cams). This was my opinion for a number of years. Then last night while sitting in my boxers and tshirt in front of my laptop (not surfing porn mind you), I tried to see if my theory still held water. Surprisingly it had sprung a leak. Happily I found 4 web cam sites that will mystify and delight or still bore you (it was late at night when I found 'em).

COOLERCAM.COM: A cam posted in front of the water cooler at a computer firm. They claim the best times to catch all the action are Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. MST (-7 hours GMT).

CHEDDARVISION: Watch cheddar cheese go through the magical maturing process at a UK facility in Somerset. Anytime is a great time. 

STEVESANTFARM.COM: It’s an ant farm all right, and it’s owned by Steve. What more do you need to know?

UFO WEBCAM: This one holds promise if you put in the time. It’s a cam placed on a stretch of highway in Wales (UK), that has been home to numerous UFO sightings.

SO YOU WANNA MAKE IT PORN?

SEXTS OF THE DAY

TDTM – Talk dirty to me

   TMIY – Take me I’m yours



      DFK – Deep French kissing



      DDG – Drop dead gorgeous

CAN’T MISS, MONEY MAKING, PORN WEBSITE IDEA FOR YOU

Anyone who wants my stroke of brilliance is welcome to it. Truth be told I actually came up with this idea before the internet was even created – summer of 1992. Since then I’ve never seen it done. So if anyone in the blogosphere has the capital and the know-how, give me a holla. Now onto to my revolutionary, porno-riffic idea.

BEAR-SIC INSTINCT

Yeah, it is somewhat related to the steamy “Michael Douglas / Sharon Stone” thriller BASIC INSTINCT. However my version uses stuffed animals (teddy bears) in those erotic situations. For just $10.99 a month people would gain access to all kinds of plush animals doing unspeakable acts. Think erotic Muppets. That’s pretty much it.

PROs of BEAR-SIC INSTINCT:

- Low start up costs

- No actors /actresses

- No chance of being sued for offensive material

- No chance of anyone being underage

CONs:

None that I can think of off the top of my head.

If you need further incentive, here are some crude, yet accurate potential site visuals.

CHRIST SYMBOLISM IN POPULAR PORN DVD.

Sorry, at second glance this one might not be so obvious. I’ll just give it my best shot in explaining how the Christ symbolism fits in to this euro tour de force by director Tanya Hyde.

In PEVERTZ, Amber Leigh plays a nun conflicted with her feelings towards God and shoving things up her anal cavity. Probably the most poignant part of the film that wreaks of religion is Amber’s confrontation with the German leather boy (Helmut). Not going to give the plot away, except to say the item she decides to use in the throws of passion are in fact Rosary Beads.

FYI…a director's cut of PEVERTZ was recently released with 2 hrs and 5 minutes of extra footage. Available now for 34.90 EUR / $47.32.

2 GIRLS 1 CUP: THE MERCHANDISE

In my life of 39 years I have done lots of things that caused me much shame. I have hurt people. I have lied. I have cheated. And yes, stolen (those little sucking candies from the wooden barrel bins in the supermarket when I was 5). Yet, when it comes time to meet my maker I will truly be able to hold my head up high and march right through those Pearly Gates. Why? Because I am one of the 5 five people that DID NOT see the 2 GIRLS 1 CUP youtube video in 2007. Not only that, I’ll do you one better. I refused to even find out what the premise of the video was until 2010. IF THAT’S NOT PATRON SAINT MATERIAL I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS.

For those not of Youtube age 3 years ago I’ll just give you the studio pitch synopsis: 2 chicks eat sh*t and vomit. Then they take turns spitting the mixture in each other's mouths. Think momma bird feeding her young.

Little known fact: the viral video was actually just a trailer to the feature film Hungry Bitches.

Today the “shock of 2007” is nothing more than a sad punch line to some. To others, it’s a merchandising cash cow that’s still bringing in the all mighty dollar. In this economy can you blame people for looking at every possible angle to make some coin? Personally, THE DOWNFALL OF MANKIND LOOKS MIGHTY %$#$%% COOL ON A T-SHIRT. If anyone is wondering, I take a size Large.

2 GIRLS 1 CUP TSHIRT ($25.50 @ Zazzle.com)

• Heavyweight t-shirt.
• Tagless design.
• Pre-shrunk.
• Double-needle stitched hems.
• Imported.

2 GIRLS 1 COFFEE CUP ($17.45 @ Zazzle.com)

• Large, easy to grip handle.
• Holds 15 oz. of liquid.
• Dishwasher and microwave safe.

2 GIRLS 1 CUP LONG SLEEVE SHIRT ($24.45 @ Zazzle.com)

• Long-sleeved.
• Made of heavyweight material.
• Shoulder-to-shoulder taping.
• Loose, classic fit.

2 GIRLS 1 CUP KEYCHAIN ($3.15 @ Zazzle.com)

• Vibrant colors.
• Made of UV-resistant Mylar.
• Tight-fitting clasp.
• Fits in pocket or purse.

WAY BEYOND ORDINARY GIRL-ON-GIRL ACTION.

by Biz-Boy (NWM Staff Writer)

As a species I realize we truly have no shame. I know this because of a simple exercise I perform nightly. Some might say porn surfing. I prefer to think of myself as one who explores the absolute limits of human, sexual gratification. As you can guess this odyssey of unbridled pleasure has netted some disturbing results. 

PLEASE NOTE: ALL PARTIES INVOLVED IN THE FOLLOWING PORN GENRES ARE OF LEGAL CONSENTING AGE. Again, these are actual google search results. I also went for the weird rather than the obvious extreme / dirty stuff (urine on the face, anal penetrations, etc.) Oh, and don't shoot the messenger.

Granny seducing granddaughter

Clown sex

Sex with a nun

Women masturbating on stuffed animals

Albino porn

Preggo porn

Menstruation movies

Sexy diaper ladies

Ear sex porn

Threesome with aunt and nephew

AMISH PORN OF THE WEEK.

Film:

AMISH DAUGHTERS

Synopsis:
A camcorder mysteriously falls from the sky right smack in the middle of a quaint Amish community. Miss Marion and her sisters are the first to discover this modern marvel. These naive, sheltered (yet bi-curious) women are convinced this is a true sign from God. But what is God trying to tell them? To seek out the answer they go on a journey filled with unbridled passion and shocking sister on sister lesbianism.

Credits:
Directed by maverick creator Jerome Tanner.

Stars newcomers Melissa West (as Miss Marion), Adriana Sage, Jewel De’Nyle & Nina Ferrari.

Run time: 72 minutes

OH, OH, OH, TO TOUCH AND FEEL VIRGIN GIRLS’ VAGINAS AND HYMENS.

Any sane person would read that headline and think I’m the creepiest, most deranged blogger who totally deserves a court mandated ankle bracelet. I’d have to say you’d probably be right in most cases – except this one. In fact any first year med student could back me up. The line is actually a VERY helpful mnemonic. And yes, I totally forgot what the 18pt Scrabble word meant as well. It took me a wiki, yahoo answers and a google dictionary post just to jog my memory again. A MNEMONIC is a phrase you memorize in order to aid you in memory recall. Probably the most famous one is … Every Good Boy Does Fine. This is a classic mnemonic for the music scale (E,G, B, D, F). Now back to the virgins and hymens. That line is used to help recall all of the (wait for it) CRANIAL NERVES.

I-Olfactory nerve

II-Optic nerve

III-Oculomotor nerve

IV-Trochlear nerve

V-Trigeminal nerve

VI-Abducens nerve

VII-Facial nerve

VIII-Vestibulocochlear nerve/Auditory nerve

IX-Glossopharyngeal nerve

X-Vagus nerve

XI-Accessory nerve/Spinal accessory nerve

XII-Hypoglossal nerve.

FYI…here are some cleaner mnemonic phrases to help you memorize the C-nerves –

On Old Olympus' Towering Top A Finely Vested German Viewed A Hawk

On Old Olympus' Towering Top A Finn And German Viewed Some Hops

Oh, Oh, Oh, They Traveled And Found Voldemort Guarding Very Secret Hallows

But be honest (court mandated ankle bracelet aside), which line would help you best retain this medical jargon? Harry Potter or porn?

90 YEAR OLD BEAVER LOSES TO WEB FILTERS.

by Barry S. (NWM Staff Writer)

It sounded like a can’t-miss name back in 1920 when The Beaver magazine was founded.  Unfortunately our neighbors from the north (Canada) didn’t take into account the evolution of filthy minds. Now according to the NY Times, Beaver is being forced to change its name because of being blocked by web filters (at schools) and junk email filters.  If you need further explanation, the title was verboten because of its vulgar reference to a part of a woman's anatomy.  Until now, The Beaver had only experienced some minor name issues in the 70s, but was never a cause for alarm like today. The new name to replace Beaver will be "Canada's History". Not as sexy, but it gets past the filters into the the hands of Canadian history buffs...and that's all that matters.