PERFECTO VIDEO RENTAL PICK BY SMURF JESUS

Seems like Smurf Jesus is a bit loopy this week.

KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE (1977): Before Airplane and Naked Gun the Zucker Bros. (with partner Jim Abrams) gave birth to this buffet of cinematic comedy skit classics like Catholic School Girls in Troubleand Fistful of Yen. Stars Bill Bixby (hulk), Donald Sutherland, and bad Bond George Lazenby.

COULD SMURFETTE CONCEIVE A CHILD WITH A SNORK?

I wake up on a Saturday and that’s the kind of $% that pollutes my mind. I know. I know. I need help in a bad way. But for argument sake, let’s say we all have guns pointed at our heads and are forced to entertain the notion. My thought would be this – YES, SMURFETTE AND A SNORK CAN HAVE A BABY. And I can prove it.

Thanks to Carolus Linnaeus we now have a classification system for every type of animal in existence. Now the golden rule we all know is different species can NOT mate successfully. Hence, there are no DOGCATS running around. And sure, if you look at a Smurf and a Snork you’d say the same thing, BUT YOU’D BE WRONG. Here’s why – you’re taking the “imaginary creature” approach. What your viewing on the show. NOW, if you treat them as real entities you get this type of scenario.

SMURF/ SNORKS

Kingdom
Cartoons

Phylum
1980s

Class
Saturday

* Order
Morning (* Smurfs were on before the Snorks)

Family
NBC

Genus
2D

Species
Traditional animation (non-CGI)

Since they only differ in one category, I’d compare it to 2 breeds of dogs trying to get it on. They can repoduce. It’s just that their final product will be a mutt. Sadly this will be the case with Smurfette and her Snork lover. But hey, they still would be able to have a kid. SO I WIN!!! Now give me some meds so I can get better.

CRAPPY SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS (an ongoing series)

In my former life I made stop animation videos for youtube. Correction, I made really, really bad stop animation films. Enjoy?

PLEASE OH PLEASE TELL ME THERE IS A SAFE WAY TO TURN MY PEE BLUE

The best I can muster here is an optimistic MAYBE. At least that’s the way I’ve been lead to believe (based on a couple of semi-reputable posts on the net.) Here’s what I do know (take it or leave it)...

THE BAD PART

If you do have Smurf piss most likely it’s because you are being treated for a disease (courtesy of our friend the mosquito)... 

...known as Malaria. Symptoms include:

• Fever
• Shivering
• Vomiting

And a slew of other nasty stuff that does include (I’m sorry to say – Death). However, the disease is cureable if you catch it early enough. Which is my segue to the…

THE GOOD-ish PART

One of the many treatments for Malaria is Methylene Blue. 

Though in most instances it’s not really the popular drug of choice due to its meh side effects:

• Vomiting
• Cramps
• Fever
• Rapid heart rate
• And yes, blue skin, eyes, and piss.

Other than that, from what I’ve read they say Methylene Blue is relatively safe to ingest (in small quantities I assume). Plus, the blue side effects will eventually fade away.  So YES, in theory, you can move ahead with that nasty prank you planned for your friend.

WHERE CAN I SCORE SOME?

Found it on Amazon for $4.99

PLEASE NOTE: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. I AM A MORON WHO BARELY BROKE 1000 ON HIS SATs. THAT’S MY TACTFUL WAY OF SAYING DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME – OR AT LEAST GO TO WebMD BEFORE YOU DO.

THE HOLY TRINITY OF PICKS BY SMURF JESUS

Seems like Smurf Jesus is going for the Trifecta of balls-to-the-wall weird this week.

#1- MOVIES

KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE (1977): Before Airplane and Naked Gun the Zucker Bros. (with partner Jim Abrams) shat out this cinematic load. 90 minutes of comedy skit classics like Catholic School Girls in Trouble and Fistful of Yen. Stars Bill Bixby (hulk), Donald Sutherland, and bad Bond George Lazenby.

 #2- COMIC BOOKS

SWEET TOOTH: Rather than asking yourself why this boy has antlers, you should really wonder what the F happened to the other 8 kids in the lab. Just saying. This graphic opus by writer/artist Jeff Lemire is now at issue #12 and is showing no signs of slowing down. If you are craving one of those post-apocalyptic, weepy, religious, horror, pandemic stories then Smurf Jesus says you've just found your grail. 

#3- SPREADS

BACONNAISE™: SJ considers this a successful marriage of pork bellies and fat. Baconnaise’s creamy, smokiness brings out the true flavor of any burger, burrito, or beet salad.

WHO WANTS TO SEE AN HONEST-TO-GOD SHIRTLESS BLOGGER SHOVE A SMURF IN HIS MOUTH?

Oh c’mon! You can’t be surprised I’d do a post like this. I mean it is Friday. One of the lowest blog viewing days of the summer. So of course I’m going to use skin and shock value to gain viewers.  And hopefully attract a perverse follower or two. Best of luck to your retinas.

あ DEAD の独りぼっち SMURF

そのソフトコア映画の兄弟と同様に、それはすべてのT＆Aのではないhomocideプロットがある：1つの男のXマスchilidogの斜面を押すとしmutilated ratあなたは集中治療室で終わるモstripper誤審のおかげでものの - あなたの独りぼっcheddarさて、あなたのためにいたずら看護師全体の区を除いてoggleする。

OK, I’LL TELL YOU WHY I’D RATHER EAT A SMURF OVER A FRAGGLE.

First off, lets just get past the fact that they both don’t really exist. Are we cool? Good. Now we can continue on to the scenario.

You wake up and find yourself on a desert island. You notice the land is kinda sparse when it comes to the vegetation. And the fruit trees are basically nonexistent. True, you are surrounded by the ocean. So yes, in theory you could catch fish. However, the beach is way too rocky and the waves are too rough to make a go at it. The only two saving graces of this island are there is a fresh water supply and there is an endless population of Smurfs and Fraggles.


At first your instincts tell you it’s wrong to eat any type of intelligent life. So for days you live off of the land (which isn’t much). Eventually you need to come to terms with the inevitable. IN ORDER TO SURVIVE YOU WILL NEED TO HUNT AND EAT EITHER THE FRAGGLES OR SMURFS.  Why do you have to choose? It’s my scenario, go with it.


MY CHOICE OF MEAT: SMURF
No contest. Just look at both creatures. Smurfs have (what looks to me like) thin skin and are basically hairless. They also seem pretty docile minus Jokey or Hefty Smurf. I think if you chop off a Smurf head and roast the body over an open flame it’d basically be like eating frog legs. That I can stomach. Especially with a splash of hotsauce.

WHY NOT FRAGGLES?

To me they seem to be a smidge more hyperactive and unpredictable. Fraggles also have fur and wear full outfits. Those are tell tale signs why they’d be a bitch to prep for cooking. Oh, and let's not gloss over the fact that Fraggles dwell in dark caves, while Smurfs live out in the open in delicious mushrooms (a perfect side with frog legs).

How can you argue this logic? You simply can't. 

BONDAGE FOR BEGINNERS: SAFEWORDS

Q: Why can’t my safeword simply be STOP?

A: In the heat of rough passion, words like “stop” and “no” tend to have the opposite meaning. For that reason it’s important that the word in no way relates to the situation at hand (and whip). Good sample safewords would be BOSTON, EGG, or SMURF.

COULD SMURFETTE CONCEIVE A CHILD WITH A SNORK?

I wake up on a Saturday and that’s the kind of $% that pollutes my mind. I know. I know. I need help in a bad way. But for argument sake, let’s say we all have guns pointed at our heads and are forced to entertain the notion. My thought would be this – YES, SMURFETTE AND A SNORK CAN HAVE A BABY. And I can prove it.

Thanks to Carolus Linnaeus we now have a classification system for every type of animal in existence. Now the golden rule we all know is different species can NOT mate successfully. Hence, there are no DOGCATS running around. And sure, if you look at a Smurf and a Snork you’d say the same thing, BUT YOU’D BE WRONG. Here’s why – you’re taking the “imaginary creature” approach. What your viewing on the show. NOW, if you treat them as real entities you get this type of scenario.

SMURF/ SNORKS

Kingdom
Cartoons

Phylum
1980s

Class
Saturday

* Order
Morning (* Smurfs were on before the Snorks)

Family
NBC

Genus
2D

Species
Traditional animation (non-CGI)

Since they only differ in one category, I’d compare it to 2 breeds of dogs trying to get it on. They can repoduce. It’s just that their final product will be a mutt. Sadly this will be the case with Smurfette and her Snork lover. But hey, they still would be able to have a kid. SO I WIN!!! Now give me some meds so I can get better.

SMURF SOME EXTRA CASH.

by Eddie Winkle (NWM Staff Writer)

Belgian cartoonist Peyo created the Smurfs in 1958. Two decades later this original blue group of characters became one of the hottest toy prosperities in the US. Two decades after that, these tiny toys are pretty much gathering dust in closets across the country. Though now might be time to clean ‘em off. Some of these creatures could actually Smurf you some cash. How can you tell? Most of the data Smurf appraisers need is right underneath the foot in the form of strange markings. Here’s what they actually mean…

Year Stamp: Tells you when the actual Smurf mold was created.

Single Digit: If you get a single digit number (specifically 1-8 ), that’s good. It means your mold was one of the earlier ones.

Peyo Stamp: Every Smurf has got one of these creator stamps. Sorta like how the Cabbage Patch Kids were all signed by their real father – Xavier Roberts.

Manufacturer Stamp: Smurfs didn’t have one divine creator. They were split up between 3 manufacturers – Wallace Berrie & Co., Schleich, and Bully.

Country Stamp: Where the Smurf was produced in the world.

Muster Stamp: This is the one to look out for. Any Smurf with an M stamp means they are master prototypes. The highest quality Smurfs that were painted with perfection. As a result, this little toy could Smurf you anywhere from $100 to $300 bucks.

The Smurfiest collection around.

FEELING ALL SMURFY WITH A BLOODY AXE!