A GUY’S GUIDE TO POST CHRISTMAS BARGAIN HUNTING WITH THE SIGNIFICANT OTHER.

by Nameless Dad (NWM Staff Writer)

Think the hours of having your ass be dragged from store to store is finally over? Think again. Now that Xmas is done all the stores are slashing prices on stuff they couldn’t get rid of. Which means bargain hunting season has just begun. And the big bonus kicker is since I get time off between Christmas and New Year's, I’m at my wife’s mercy. I’m essentially her pack mule for the day. The excuse she uses to drag my lazy (football watching) butt off the couch is, “Honey everything is so cheap right now and we REALLY do need a lot of stuff for the house. Plus, you’re off this week…it’s just easier if we both do the shopping together. Besides I don’t know what you want.”

If you’re the sucker (like me) that falls for this, here are 3 things that might come in handy on your 3 hour bargain safari.

iPhone Apps: Offers the necessary info or distraction you need without being too involved in case the wife has any important questions – Honey? Blue or dark blue?!

• Doodle Jump (99¢)
• ESPN Scorecenter (FREE):
• Manga Strip Poker ($1.99)
• Let’s Golf Lite (FREE)

Griffin TuneJuice Charger for iPod and iPhone ($23.76): No way will one iphone charge last the whole shopping day. Takes 4 AAA batteries.

12 Pack - Red Bull Energy Shot - 2oz. ($29.95): Perfect mini-push when pooped.

GET FRISKY BEFORE ARCHER.

by Graphic Guy (NWM Staff Writer)

By now (if you’re knee deep in Nip /Tuck) you’ve seen all the FX f--ing, hilarious promos for their new, 1^st time animated series, Archer. From what intel I could gather, the show (created by Adam Reed) revolves around super spy Sterling Archer working for the organization ISIS. Other characters include Archer’s domineering mother/ boss (played by Arrested D’s Jessica Walter) and his bi-curious exgal pal Lana (played by Aisha Tyler). Archer premieres January 14^th, so you’ve got about 2 weeks and change left.

If that amount of time runs you into conniption fit territory, you can always satisfy your fix with 3 seasons of Mr. Reed’s other series on Adult Swim, Frisky Dingo. This one deals with infamous super villain Killface taking on superhero Awesome X. Both are voice by Mr. Reed. And as you’ll see (after viewing the clips below) the humor and animated style are pretty much kissing cousins to Archer. I’d probably sum up both series as over the top action, uber-erotic romance mixed in with a spooge of mundane chit chat. The best example is in one of the first Frisky Dingo episodes. Killface meets with his marketing team to discuss the use of a direct mail campaign to get the word out about his super-evil-ism. Madness ensues and ensues some more. Check it out.

Get FD (season 1) right now for only $17.95 on Amazon.

REDEEMING STUFF IN REALLY BAD FOOD.

Just ‘cause it’s junk food doesn’t mean it’s bad for you. Ok, well actually it does. Though deep within the deep-fried, sugar coated core of each of these guilty pleasures lies a teeny tiny glimmer of goodness. You just gotta know where to look.

FRIED CHICKEN:

Bad News: Loaded in the fat (53g) and cholesterol (285mg) categories.

Good News: A full serving of protein (102g) and zero carbs.

TWINKIES:

Bad News: High calorie (150) and cholesterol (20mg) count.

Good News: Decent amount of calcium (20mg). Lowish in fat (4.5g) and no trans fat.

BEER BATTERED FISH (COD):

Bad News: Ungodly amounts of fat (31g), calories (442) and cholesterol (98mg).

Good News: Very low in saturated fat. Also a good source of Niacin, Vitamin B12, Potassium, Protein, vitamin B6, Phosphorus and Selenium.

ADVICE FROM A MAN THAT MADE LOVE TO A MICROWAVED CANTALOUPE.

Can’t give away this individual’s identity so lets just call him Thor (The God of Thunder) for now. I guess it’s going on 18 years ago when Thor (after 5.6 Zimas) admitted to such a lewd act. Though he did preface it by saying that this was shown to him by countless others in his social circle. Anyway, if you still have the stones or morbid curiosity to continue on, here are his 10 easy steps to MAKING LOVE TO A CANTALOUPE. Again, I AM IN NO WAY ENDORSING THIS TYPE OF PRODUCE PLEASURE, just simply recalling an amusing tale.

Step 1. Choose a healthy looking cantaloupe or honeydew melon.

Step 2. On one side cut a hole big enough for your penis to comfortably enter the melon.

Step 3. On the other side make a small hole as big as an eraser, and make sure it reaches all the way to the vagina side.

Step 4. Heat the melon, but not for too long (try intervals of 15 seconds before you achieve the right temperature.) MAKE SURE IT'S NOT SCALDING HOT!

Step 5. On the vagina side, squirt in some baby oil or other form of preferred lubrication.

Step 6. Firmly grab melon and lower to crotch level.

Step 7. Insert penis.

Step 8. While pulling out penis place finger on hole on the other side (this should create a type of suction that will add more pleasure to the experience...I guess.)

Step 9. Discard cantaloupe.

Step 10. Never tell another living soul.

POST CHRISTMAS HELP FOR THE TECH GIFT CHALLENGED.

by Greg Colfaz (NWM Staff Writer)

Yo from Cottonwood, Idaho. So right at this exact moment, millions of people have said goodbye to guests staying over and are now getting down to setting up the brand spankin' new tech gift they got for Xmas. I’m pretty sure without a doubt 99.99% of you folks will have some sort of trouble during set up. 50% of those people will eventually get whatever it is to work (with minimal tears). While the rest of us will be pulling our hair out and cursing anyone that comes within 10 feet of us. If you’re in the latter category, here are some support numbers that might come in handy.

[courtesy of gethuman.com]

• Sony Playstation: 800-222-7669

• Xbox: 800-469-9269

• Apple: 800-275-2273

• DirecTV: 800-824-9081

• Hewlett-Packard: 800-474-6836

• T-Mobile: 800-937-8997

• AT&T: 888-387-6270

****BONUS #****

• Amazon: 800-201-7575

INSTEAD OF WATCHING THE BALL DROP, HOW ABOUT A 120lb SLAB OF BOLOGNA?

by Eddie Winkle (NWM Staff Writer)

Each year millions tune in to watch a spherical object with crystal bulbs be lowered on top of some New York building in Times Square. All while Seacrest and B-starlet du jour do an emotional play by play. Doesn’t sound as riveting when it’s just words on a screen. In that case, here are some other Eve options for your viewing pleasure.

BIG HUNK OF CHEESE (Plymouth, Wisconsin): Even though the site says, "ring in 2011," I’m pretty sure it’s for this year. The Plymouth Art Center hosts a night of dinner and dancing and yes, a giant Wisconsin cheese falling from the sky at midnight.

7 1/2' / 120lb SLAB OF BOLOGNA (Lebanon, Pennsylvania): Not sure what’s crazier, the size of the meat or the fact that it is truly edible. Each year a local PA manufacturer donates the bologna that's suspended and eventually drops from a fire engine ladder.

GIANT CRAB (Easton, Maryland): For the past 5 years this tradition has been drawing a thousand plus crowd. And for those keeping score, it’s a replica of a giant red crab…steamed (no drawn butter).

3-FOOT GLOWING PICKLE (Mt. Olive, North Carolina): This tradition began waaay back at the turn of the century (1999). At 11:59pm (or earlier), folks gather in front of the Mt. Olive Pickle Company factory in Wayne County to watch a giant pickle get lowered into an antique wooden pickle barrel.

MOST INFLUENTIAL “AS SEEN ON TV” PRODUCTS FOR 2009.

I think it’s safe to say that the Sunggie pretty much ruled the “Only $19.95” competition this year. Wearable blankets. So obvious, yet so genius!

Notwithstanding, here are some other 2009 As On TV innovations that also deserve top honors. Sadly though, much of the success is due to one of the legendary pitchmen we lost this year…Billy Mays.

TOOL BAND-IT ($19.95): How many times has this happened to you? You go to spackle, screw and hammer something on the ceiling and have to juggle all those tools. Well no more with the Tool Band-It. Just wrap the magnetic strip around your arm and simply stick on as many tools you want...roofing nails too.

GIANT SIZED CUPCAKE ($14.95): In this ever shrinking economy it’s nice to know some things are getting the ginormous treatment, like yummy cupcakes. These special molds allow you to make all types of monster size mini-cakes. 25 times bigger!

NECKLINE SLIMMER ($19.95): Bye, bye turkey necks. The Neckline Slimmer tones chin, neck and face muscles without costly surgery. All it takes is just 2 minutes every day and you too will have a Hollywood hottie neck in no time.