Saturday, July 17, 2010


Straight. Gay. Sheep lover. It doesn’t matter what fantasy you use for your solo act. In the end we guys are all left with the same mess – An unsightly puddle of creamy Italian [Sorry ladies].
Now some will say an old sock or underwear is the way to go. I just feel like you’re making more problems for yourself using stuff like that. For one thing you can't throw out a sock every time you jerk-off (unless you're Donald Trump – nice visual). And you know you’re not going to wash it every time. Especially at 1:30am when you’re shirtless in front of your laptop and the wife is asleep (just a made-up example that relates in no way to my life).
So why do I like tissues? My main reason is their disposable. Just wipe, toss, and flush. So without further adieu here are my top Spank-tacular picks.

SCOTTIES® FACIAL TISSUE: The strongest of the bunch. I get absolutely no GOO-GRABBERS. Those are the tiny pieces of sperm stained tissues that latch on to your um little head. They stick on just like when you use a tissue for a shaving cut…and believe me they are just as hard to get off. The other reason is that Scotties® tissues are hypoallergenic. Meaning there’s no annoying scent and no chance my sensitive skin will get a rash.

PUFFS®: Even though I’m not big on the smell, I’m ok that the tissues are laced with lotion. It makes for an easier, smoother wipe. Though BE WARNED this tissue is lacking in strength so you will get a fair number of GOO-GRABBERS.

KLEENEX® Travel Packs: These are great for on-the-go-spanks like hotel bathrooms or your parent inlaws’ guest room (don’t ask). Strengthwise it’s a solid tissue. To me, it’s just a tad too soft. Which I feel slows down cleanup a wee(wee) bit.  

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  1. Bahahahahahahahaha! Back in my freakin-in-the-backseat days, I kept a nice supply of wet wipes on hand. Of course, that was two people instead of one--a bigger mess--and not as easy to dispose of because I am against littering. However, a nice little baggie that was easily hidden under the seat served as a trash disposal until I could throw it away later. And isn't it funny how I am having no problem sharing my "How to clean up after sex in the backseat" story with you...hmmm, I'll shut up now.

  2. I... think I just threw up in my mouth a bit. And I'm a dude.

  3. I'm laughing way to hard. Very informative post. I will have to ask husband about "goo grabbers"

  4. That was hilarious!
    Oh yeah, you are one sick bastard...

    oh yeah, he went there!

  5. I feel like I just took a walk through the men's locker room or something. My virginal ears! Socks and washcloths are better for the environment, especially if you're a daily 'bater.

    PS In response to your blog comment - I have no idea why, but I never had a thing for Jonathan Silverman. Weird, right?

  6. I will never EVER be able to look at creamy Italian again! Ever! Other than that I am laughing my ass off here!!! Goo grabbers!!! Bwaaahhh!!!

  7. Oh this is just nasty.

    But funny.

  8. I'm disturbed. It's not so much by this post per se, but the fact that it follows the one with you shirtless and mouthing a smurf!
    Pat's right - You are one sick bastard.

  9. Hmmmm, is this something you have A LOT of practice and experience in Creeper???

    What was it... Someone told me a joke the other day about a Hooters Girl and #52... Fuck if I can't remember the punch line!

  10. Goo-grabbers?!!! ROFL!!!!!!

    Ok, um...I will never look at creamy Italian dressing in quite the same way again. You did that on purpose, didn't you?!

  11. what about a papertowel?
    or those flushable butt wipes?


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