IN CASE YOU’RE WONDERING I WOULD MAKE SWEET, SWEET LOVE TO A DEAD GUY.

Now obviously this is NOT something I’d do on a whim. Money would be the driving force behind this deadly deed. I’d say somewhere in the neighborhood of 4 to 5 million. Of course I would have some stipulations for my benefactor – 22 of ‘em to be exact. No wait, 24, which are as follows:

1-I will not have sex with a recently deceased person (too emotional).

2-If the bet requires me to make love to a dude I'd want him to be dead for at least 18 years (he’d be mostly rotted away so I’d have more orifice options).

3-No underage dead person.

4-The corpse should be shorter than me (I don’t like making love to tall people, case closed).

5-I want the money in cash.

6-I refuse to make love in grave dirt.

7-If you do videotape the event I’d prefer you upload it to AOL video instead of youtube (less of chance of being seen by someone I know).

8-I’d prefer to be on top (but if not I can deal with it).

9-I’d like an opportunity to get good and liquored up before the event (your treat).

10-I want to be able to keep my clothes on.

11-If we are making love in a room I’d like the lights to be off.

12-If you must invite friends to watch I’d prefer no more than 6.

13-I’d want to use a condom.

14-I will need a blindfold of some kind.

15-You will need to stock the room with aroma candles (I like the scent Autumn breeze or Day At The Beach).

16-Noseplugs are a must.

17-I’d like the TV on in the background playing Smallville season 4 episode 6 (not revealing my reason).

18-I’d like to make love on silk sheets (not up for discussion).

19-Kissing will cost you an extra 15 grand.

20-I’d prefer to make love in a beachfront hotel somewhere in the Caribbean.

21-I'd require an extra 50 grand if you want me to climax.

22-The act will be no longer than 6 minutes (1 grand for every minute I go over).

23-If I have erection issues please be understanding.

24-$500 extra for every photograph snapped (and they must ONLY be in B&W or sepia).