KLINGON WORD OF THE DAY

English:

SEX (v. to make love)

Klingon equivalent:

nga'chuq

BAD ASS BELT BUCKLE OF THE DAY

Is it a flask or a cool ass belt buckle? It’s both, and can be yours for only $21.95 at the Buckle Shop.

MOTHER TERESA vs. HEIDI MONTAG

Sweetest Lord, make me appreciative of the dignity of my high vocation, and its many responsibilities. Never permit me to disgrace it by giving way to coldness, unkindness, or impatience.

– Mother Teresa

I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God.

– Heidi Montag

A-WHOLE

YES, THE NET HAS A SMART ASS ANSWER FOR EVERYTHING

Oops. Not referring to like the best tech / Sandra Bullock movie ever. I’m talking about the fact that whatever absurd theory you think is NOT true (and really probably isn’t) there’s an article on the internet proving otherwise. Let’s start with this statement …

IF YOU MASTURBATE TOO MUCH YOU WILL DAMAGE YOUR VISION.

Took me 3 minutes of surfing, but I did find an article to support that faux-fact. Click here to take a read or don't and assume The NET won! Again, not referring to the 1995 classic now on Blu Ray.

SORRY, STILL SOLD OUT FOR BLACK FRIDAY!

Mucinex® is an FDA approved, non-drowsy formula which loosensmucus that causes nasal congestion. But more importantly, that’s the brand that runs those TV ads you’ve seen a zillion times (on mute) during football. You know, where those pesky CG green, phlegm-globs set up shop inside someone’s chest, and party. Each one looks like a cross between Tony Soprano and Ralph Kramden. Not sure how Mucinex® sees that genome as the perfect combination for a cute and cuddly plush toy, but they do. And believe it or not, they’ve sold out on Amazon. The only place I found these toys was on ebay for 61 bucks! So don’t disappoint some deserving youngster (with acid reflux), beat that Cyber-Monday rush and order your Mucinex® plush toys today. 

ASK NWM: WHERE DO PRESIDENTIAL PARDONED TURKEYS GO?

The history of presidential turkey ceremonies dates all the way back to 1947 with Harry Truman. Not sure what he did, but it was something with a turkey. Dwight Eisenhower also had a similar ceremony with turkeys; only he ate each one that was presented to him. Kennedy (in 1963) gets credit for the very first unofficial pardon. Supposedly he spared the turkey at the very last second. Reagan made a joke out of the whole "pardon turkey" thing and tied it all to Ollie North. It really wasn’t until 1989 when it became a full on tradition for the president to pardon a turkey right before T-day.

SO WHERE DO THEY GO?

Over the years pardoned turkeys have been sent to 1 of 3 different exotic locale to live out the rest of their natural lives. The first wasFrying Pan Park in Fairfax County, Virginia up until 2005. Now all turkeys are going to Disney World (or land)! Aside from gobbling up the sunshine (sorry), they get to be the grand marshal in the Disney Thanksgiving parade. Not sure what they eat, but I’m pretty sure gravy and giblets are NOT on the menu. 

CLASSIC HEMP RECIPE FOR THANKSGIVING

PUMPKIN HEMP PIE

Give thanks that it’s totally legal.

Ingredients:

• 1 (9 inch) unbaked deep dish pie crust
• 2 eggs
• 2 cups fresh pumpkin puree
• ¼ cup Living Harvest Hempmilk (Tempt)
• 3/4 cup granulated sugar
• 1 tablespoon Hemp flour
• 1 teaspoon
• ¼ teaspoon salt
• ¼ teaspoon ground cinnamon
• ¼ teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1/8 teaspoon ground allspice
• ¼ teaspoon ground ginger

Directions:

1. Prepare and roll pastry for single-crust pie.
2. Line a 9" pie plate with pastry.
3. Trim; crimp edge as desired.
4. In a large bowl stir together eggs, pumpkin, and half-and-half.
5. Stir in sugar, flour, vanilla, salt cinnamon, nutmeg, and allspice.
6. Pour pumpkin mixture into pastry-lined pie plate.
7. To prevent over browning, cover edge of pie with foil.
8. Bake in 375 F oven for 25 minutes.
9. Remove foil.
10. 
Bake for 40 minutes more or until a knife inserted near the center comes out clean.
11. 
Cool on a wire rack.
12. Cover and refrigerate within 2 hours.

OTB or NKOTB

What? You never played this game as a kid? I feel sorry for you. Ok. The rules our simple. From the following statement identify if it has to do with the now defunct OTB (Off Track Betting) or the smash group NKOTB (New Kids On The Block). Ready?!

In the 1990s this organization brought in hundreds of millions of dollars from questionable individuals.

Click here for the answer!

OH NO I SAID TOO MUCH (an ongoing series)

Time for another cringe-worthy post that asks – how well do you really know the freak writing this blog? Again I’m not talking about the topical stuff (my favorite color, Gummi bear's flavor, and hair metal band). Nope. I’m going to reveal some moderately creepy stuff. So buckle up and keep all hands and legs inside.
This week’s topic: GAMES PEOPLE PLAY

On a crisp March day in 1998 I played a game. The game was @sshole. Anyone ever hear of it? It’s a wondrous drinking game played with a simple deck of cards and a group of 20-somethings. Everyone takes turns throwing down cards. The first person to get rid of their cards is the president, then vice, secretary, and so on until you get to the lowly @sshole.

Now whoever is the prez is the most powerful person. He (or she) can make anyone drink. The next most powerful is the vice, and well, you get the gist. This is where our story starts. I won president. And one of my friends was @sshole. Oh and he’s also a highway patrolman in Delaware.

Now here’s where it gets awkward.

We made a pact. If I didn’t make him drink for the entire round he would allow me to do the following 2 misdemeanors without getting arrested in the entire state of Delaware. 

#1 – Deface a church or temple.

#2 – Make love to a chicken.

As of late I have done neither. Though I believe there is no time limit. So if I ever do get the urge – you know where to find me. Jealous much?

6 QUESTIONS FOR BILL THE RODEO CLOWN

His name is Bill Raystead, but most know him as Scootie – The Rodeo Clown. He’s been working the PBR (Professional Bull Riders) rodeo circuit for over 10 years. Here are 6 things you might not know about his profession.

What is the main purpose of a rodeo clown?

We do make people laugh, but our main purpose is to distract the bull from trampling a fallen rider.

How do those wood barrels save you from a 3000 lb. raging bull?

Actually, most barrels today are made of heavy gage steel, lined with industrial foam rubber. We call it the clown lounge. We might get bumped around, but they ain't getting their horns through that barrel.

Do they have Rodeo Clown Insurance?

Unfortunately, no. Would you insure us?

So how much you make per show?

Anywhere from $100 to $225 a gig. That price varies, depending on traveling expenses.

Are there any Rodeo Clown awards?

Coors sponsors the “Man in the Can” award every year. It’s a pretty big deal with us clowns.

WHAC-A-MOLE UPDATE, FINALLY

Arcade owners rejoice. The NEW Whac-A-Mole heads are finally off the production line and ready for their close-ups (for clubbing). BMIGaminghas a slew of new characters that include hungry roundworm, old football guy and lazy dinosaur. You can either choose from their pre-produced molds or create your own customized head for a flat fee of $475. And don’t forget to check out BMI’s complete line of Executive Whac-A-Mole games, encased in a mahogany bookshelf or liquor cabinet. Click here for pricing and selection.

PSSST….BEST TOADS TO LICK FOR A CONTACT HIGH

First off, I was kid in the 70s. So the only thing I remember about drugs from those days were the LSD laced Disney stamps being passed around. I was surprised to know the practice of toad licking also came out of that decade. Way more creative than tonguing Goofy's ass.

WHAT THEY WON’T TELL YOU ABOUT TOAD LICKING.
Apparently certain toads’ secrete a psychoactive compound called bufotenine. The common misconception (urban legend) is that it only takes one lick to kick-start the hallucinations. In truth, don't have a clue how many Tootsie licks you’d need to ingest enough of their jolly juices to feel anything. Not sure it matters since bufotenine is also a type of venom. Certain froggies use it as a defense mechanism to prevent themselves from being eaten by animals. So you’re probably looking at death first, before the contact high.

Still, if you are committed to the project, most knowledgeable toad lickers first collect the bufotenine by pressing the toad against glass. Next (through some “Mr. Wizard“ burning process) they remove the venomous properties. All that’s left is yummy 5-MeO-DMT. That’s the chemical property that causes the hallucinations.

On a positive note (to some), 5 milligrams of this stuff gets you 100 times higher than mushrooms or acid. 

THE BAD NEWS is with this high comes some NASTY side effects. We’re talking erectile dysfunction and rust colored urine (so sayeth wiki).

TOP TOADS TO DO WHATEVER WITH.
Again you should really leave this to the morons on youtube. Though to satisfy anyone’s morbid curiosity here are the 3 top toad-phoria types.

CANE TOAD

COLORADO RIVER TOAD

SONORAN DESERT TOAD