Sunday, July 18, 2010


For all those who are thinking “wasted,” you are right (7 vodka tonics worth). However, that’s not what shvitzing means. It is a Yiddish term that refers to sweating your b*lls off (or the equivalent if you’re a lady). Here’s a complete rundown of WHAT REALLY HAPPENED AT THE JEWISH WEDDING LAST NIGHT.

6:30PM – Jews wait for the wedding to start while complaining about the heat and how long it took to get to the catering hall.

7:05 – Wedding begins (usually classical music from a non-Nazi sympathizer is played – No WAGNER)

7:18 – Ceremony is finished (symbolized by the groom stepping on a glass).

7:19 – Hungry Jews crowd the buffet table and all the non Jew dates hit the bar (sorry, just an observation).

8:30 – Everyone goes to their tables

8:34 – Wedding band introduces the happy couple

8:48 – Couple does the first dance (again no Nazi sympathizer music)

9:05 – Everyone does the circle dance to the song Hava Naglia. 

9:15 – Bride and groom get lifted in the chairs

9:25 – Sweaty Jews finish the dance and then go to eat salads (that are already on the table).

9:50 – White people dancing occurs (to Motown and 80s music).

10:30 – Speeches (by wedding party).

10:45 – More “white people” dancing.

11:30 – Main course is served (Please Note: I usually order the fish).

11:45 – Relatives head over to the bride and groom table to hand them envelopes filled with money.

12:00AM – Even more “white people” dancing.

12:30 – Cake and Sanka (coffee) are served.

12:45 – Bride and groom thank everyone for coming.

1:00AM – People talk about how sweaty they are and complain about the possible traffic they will face going home.

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  1. How handsome are you???!!!! winks

    The shvitzing agrees with you..

  2. this sounds a lot like an Italian wedding, only there are very few if any jews and we don't crush the glass or sing the hava song.

    you look great at age 15 in this pic. kidding, you do look cute though.

  3. I misread the title and thought it said "I got SHIVVED at a Jewish wedding." I was looking forward to reading about your stabbing.

  4. Okay, per your request I will say nothing. But, I will ask questions!

    WHY do you stomp on the glass? What is the significance in this?

    Why are the bride and groom lifted on to chairs? What is the point in this??

    I'll be waiting.

  5. I never told you not to comment CB. Anyhow, to answer your questions...
    The glass is broken to symbolize the destruction of the temples in ancient Israel.
    The chair thing is all about the bringing of the bride and groom together. I believe it also has to do with wedding night sex, but I'm not really sure. You'd have to wiki that.

  6. I would have been the one at the bar, ordering something very cold to reduce the sweating.

  7. That's why I like non-Jewish get to eat earlier!! Still sweaty though.

  8. You are adorable!
    Sounds like a lot of sweaty fun. Especially the white people dancing part. Man, that's always awesome to watch!

  9. I thought you were gonna tell us you had a wet fart in that tux. Lookin' good!!! :)

  10. hahahaha! is it horrible that i'm cracking up?
    i haven't been to a wedding in so long.... well like 2 years ago, and the last one i was at was my own. haha.
    i'm not entirely sure where i would have been, but chances are jason and i would have split. i, most likely, would have been the one at the buffet, getting both of us food, and he would have been getting the drinks (while downing a few extras).... and i totally would have been doing the white people dancing.... but i kind of dance like a ghetto cheerleader... maybe i'll make a vlog on that one day....

    do you like getting dressed up or do you hate it?

  11. dang look how well ya clean up!

  12. Non-Jews think that the groom stomps on the wineglass to signify that he will be the boss in the home. Then everyone laughs.

  13. I'm so glad I'm not one of the chosen...
    It sounds much to sweaty!


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