Friday, August 27, 2010

IN CASE YOU’RE WONDERING I WOULD MAKE SWEET, SWEET LOVE TO A DEAD GUY.


Now obviously this is NOT something I’d do on a whim. Money would be the driving force behind this deadly deed. I’d say somewhere in the neighborhood of 4 to 5 million. Of course I would have some stipulations for my benefactor – 22 of ‘em to be exact. No wait, 24, which are as follows:

1-I will not have sex with a recently deceased person (too emotional).

2-If the bet requires me to make love to a dude I'd want him to be dead for at least 18 years (he’d be mostly rotted away so I’d have more orifice options).

3-No underage dead person.

4-The corpse should be shorter than me (I don’t like making love to tall people, case closed).

5-I want the money in cash.

6-I refuse to make love in grave dirt.

7-If you do videotape the event I’d prefer you upload it to AOL video instead of youtube (less of chance of being seen by someone I know).

8-I’d prefer to be on top (but if not I can deal with it).

9-I’d like an opportunity to get good and liquored up before the event (your treat).

10-I want to be able to keep my clothes on.

11-If we are making love in a room I’d like the lights to be off.

12-If you must invite friends to watch I’d prefer no more than 6.

13-I’d want to use a condom.

14-I will need a blindfold of some kind.

15-You will need to stock the room with aroma candles (I like the scent Autumn breeze or Day At The Beach).

16-Noseplugs are a must.

17-I’d like the TV on in the background playing Smallville season 4 episode 6 (not revealing my reason).

18-I’d like to make love on silk sheets (not up for discussion).

19-Kissing will cost you an extra 15 grand.

20-I’d prefer to make love in a beachfront hotel somewhere in the Caribbean.

21-I'd require an extra 50 grand if you want me to climax.

22-The act will be no longer than 6 minutes (1 grand for every minute I go over).

23-If I have erection issues please be understanding.

24-$500 extra for every photograph snapped (and they must ONLY be in B&W or sepia).

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18 comments:

  1. I cannot stop laughing. You are hysterical.

    In related sex on the beach news, would you settle for beach front property in West Palm Beach instead of the Caribbean?

    ;)

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  2. I am truly inspired that you have clearly though this through. Well done, sir.

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  3. Wow that is truly twisted.......I love it. If it was me though I would like to just have the torso that way it could fit in a large microwave to "warm it up" first......... I know I'm going to Hell

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  4. You are so sick and so hilarious. Is there a connection between Smallville and erection issues? Never mind.
    xo

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  5. I like that you are not expected to climax AND only 6 minutes... I'm so curious as to what the time is for a LIVE person!

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  6. So take your Viagra, put in your nose, ear, butt plugs and get pumpin' Mister! I can actually picture this...then we'll post it on YouBoob

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  7. I've learned quickly that you will do ANYthing for a price. At least you've put stipulations in - you don't want it to get weird.

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  8. It's interesting and entertaining blog at the same time.
    Thanks to the author for the efforts you have made in writing this awesome article.

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  9. I feel like if someone is paying you for this weird act the whole not taking your clothes off seems like a ripoff.

    However if I were you I'd add a stipulation that it be a famous guy. That way at the very least you could say you did it with a star.

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  10. LMFAO! you've put much thought into this! I think we all have our price. ;)

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  11. You forget to mention tax free

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  12. How are you gonna smell the pretty candles if your nose is plugged, dude?

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  13. This is awesome.. friggin hilarious!!!

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  14. Grave dirt would be too much like sand. It just gets in all the wrong places. Thanks for joining the Fawk You Friday hop.

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  15. As long as you'll accept sepia, okay...count me in for a couple bucks to get you going (and a bottle of MD 20/20)

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  16. Haha, gotta at least have standards!

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  17. did you hear about that body that was taken from the farmingdale cemetery recently? so sad. this blog may create an investigation of copyboy. just a heads up.

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