Monday, August 23, 2010

BEST CURE FOR SWAMP ASS AND MONKEY BUTT


Laugh all you want lady bloggers, but nearly 5.2 million men deal with these 2 afflictions every day.  I myself tested positive for Swamp Ass in college and my early twenties. And if you think it can’t happen to your man you’re dead wrong. Studies have shown that kept men are 9 times more susceptible to these diseases than single men. In fact, your significant other might have SA or MB at this very moment and you’d never know ‘til it’s too late. 

WHY MEN?
There are two major reasons why the male species are prone to these diseases:
  • Abnormal hair growth in and around the buttocks region.
  • Laziness when it comes to wiping after #2.


KNOW THE SIGNS OF SWAMP ASS & MONKEY BUTT.
You should probably refrain from engaging in any sort of foreplay or heavy petting if you notice the following symptoms:
  • Frequent itching or picking of the butt area.
  • Squirming in seat.
  • Ungodly smell.

ONLY KNOWN CURE.
At stage 4 of Swamp Ass or Monkey Butt toilet paper will NOT be of any help. Without getting too graphic, just know the TP will only stick to the problem…not wipe it away. The only surefire cure are baby wipes. These medicated, moist towelettes not only remove all excrement, but will also greatly reduce the smell by 60%. My top 2 Wipies picks are...
Cottonelle Fresh Folded Moist Wipes Refill 84: Stings the least, and leaves your ass smelling morning fresh. $6.99 @ Amazon.

Purell Instant Sanitizer Wipes: Stings a bit more than the C-wipes. However these puppies are laced with a germ killing formula. Which is a plus when it comes to preventing the rash that plagues us after the excess poo is exorcised from our butt. Pack of 240 wipes goes for $34.98 on Amazon

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40 comments:

  1. This is great information to know..and then promptly forget before the nightmares start....

    ReplyDelete
  2. What a way to start my Monday. Thanks man, you never disappoint.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I was going to suggest a tampon, but the wife might wonder why her box is emptying out....

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  4. Okay, proud to say I have avoided such issues!

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  5. Yet again....laugh or cry? Decisions, decisions!

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  6. While reading this I noticed I was squirming in my chair...So are those products flushable?
    I'm not asking for me, umkay? It's for a friend.
    Really...

    ReplyDelete
  7. I can't wait to show Brian this, so he knows its not just him. He always gets embarrassed buying wet wipes at the store. He buys them in bulk at Costco so he won't have to go back for a few months, though, in my mind, buying 36 packages of wet wipes is waaaaay more conspicuous (and hilarious) than picking up one or two.

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  8. And just this weekend I was thinking of going this route for my own occasional swamp ass...thanks for the verification I was on the right track for my crack!

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  9. I hired a nurse to follow me around and clean me up so I don't have to worry about it.

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  10. how do you know/who told you this was the best cure? who was the unlucky person who told you the others WEREN'T the best cure?

    ReplyDelete
  11. (Laughing..how in the hell do you think of these things)

    I mean you could write for comedy central.. this is hilarious....

    ReplyDelete
  12. BEST. POST. EVER. Seriously, I had to read this one out loud to my husband (because he knows swamp ass afflict him too often...) and I literally could barely read because I was laughing so hard I was choking. And he couldn't even protest that he gets this because he was laughing just as hard!

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  13. wipes actually make it worse. Best bet is to get a bidet or one of those Japanese toilets that spray water back there and just use toilet paper to dry the area.

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  14. i just thought i had swamp ass but when i went to try and use the wetwipes i realised i had done a little ASS WEE.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I wipe my own a**, I wipe my own a**

    ReplyDelete
  16. analitchcure.com Total relief!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. been 5 months with no symtoms!!!! analitchcure.com cured for less than 10 bucks !!!

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  34. They also say that using a simple warm salt enema ocasianally will also help with the growth of unwanted bacteria in the rectum and exiting area.

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  35. Use cottonelle when doing number two, when out of shower, use product called "shower to shower" (cheep clones sells in some dollar stores) Once you dab a bit of it in your bum, then use weightlifting chalk/powder or mountain or rock climber powder (magnesium carbonate) and rub it in the same area. This last ingredient STOPS all sweating and keeps you dryer than anything on the market. They sell the stuff in sports stores or wherever they sell olympic weights. Ive never tried the liquid version though. I hear it only gets gummy and doesnt work as good as the powder.

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  36. The best cure for swamp balls are these men's ball wipes

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