4 THINGS I’M 72.8% SURE YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT GRUEL

#1– Traditionally made gruel (with milk) has 247 calories per serving.

#2- The ancient Greeks used to eat gruel after their ritual sacrifices (animals or virgins – didn’t matter).

#3 – True, Charles Dickens wasn’t quite fond of gruel as presented in Oliver Twist. However in Jane Austen’s Emma there was much love for the cereal.

#4– The Simpsons lampooned gruel in season 4 episode 1.

BTW…if you want me to eat an Oreo® / Velveeta® sandwich while wearing a baby bib, I’m afraid you might not accomplish that goal. I had said I'd fulfill the bet only if Bloggerdise's “blog following" totaled 150 by the end of Feb 1st.  Right now we are just shy of that tally. I'm happy and sad. 

FUN FACT ABOUT THE DOUCHE KICKING SAND IN THE DORK’S FACE

The moral of the “1940’s comic book ad” story? Buy the Charles Atlas book to transform yourself from a mac to a man. What you probably don’t know is this ad is actually based on an actual event that occurred in Charle’s life. True that.  Some version of the beach scene happened in the early 1900s in Acri, Italy – Not sure if Charlie was the sand kicker or sand kickee. 

MAKE TWEENS CRAP THEIR PANTS IN FEAR AT THE MALL (part 2)

Sorry to play the bitter old man card, but ‘c’mon – wouldn’t it be fun? I mean have you seen these terrors at the mall? They roam in packs. They giggle the whole time. They run way too fast with icy (stainable) drinks. Oh, and they throw gum in the wishing fountain! How much more evidence do you need?

Anyhow, here’s how I plan to MAKE TWEENS CRAP THEIR PANTS IN FEAR AT THE MALL.  

Step 1. Go to the mall.

Step 2. Strategically place yourself in front of a gaggle of swarming tweens.

Step 3. Let kids slam in to you.

Step 4. Hold your face in pain while secretly inserting your special contact lenses. 

Step 5. Proceed to scare the crap out of tweens.

FYI…blackout contact lenses cost $26.33 @ bodyjewellryshop.com

SLIM PICKINGS FOR "DADDY ISSUES" FRIDAY

Ladies, you don’t realize how vital this phrase is for our well being. The major reason is we guys need this "ultimate face-saver" when thrusted into man-sized situations.

Misogynistic Cool Guy #1: Dude, I thought you were going to the prom with Ashley

Misogynistic Cool Guy #2: Eh, we’re not together anymore.

Misogynistic Cool Guy #1: Why? She dump you?

Misogynistic Cool Guy #2: Nah, she’s a head case….Real daddy issues.

Misogynistic Cool Guy #1: I hear ya bro! Beer me!

Truth: She did dump me him 'cause I he was lame, but the “Daddy Issues” phrase saved my his manhood.

Sadly as valued as this g-money tag is, it’s still kinda meh when it comes to merchandising. Haven't found much D.I. gear ‘n goods as of late. Maybe you'll have more luck.

Zazzle Tee for $31.45

Not quite sure what this one means (but it's only 15 bucks @ Tyson Givens tshirts)

Ass-less chaps (a Daddy Issue staple in my misogynistic opinion / only $152.99 Revzilla)

IF YOU HAVE THE SUDDEN URGE TO VIOLATE MY PERSONAL SPACE, PLEASE USE THIS STICK.

Hey, some day you could run into me in the street. And quite possibly you might not wanna hug me or hand me a blog award. Instead, you might want to violate me 8 different ways ‘til Sunday. If the latter is true and you’re itching to discipline me, I'd prefer you use the Hi-Tech LED Walking and Hiking Staff.

Here’s what you get for ONLY $19.99:

• Anti-shock system
• Stick made from lightweight anodized aluminum
• ergonomic foam grip
• Concealed LED lights
• Comes equipped with a basket
• Collapsible and extendable (up to 45 inches!!!)

Here it is in action!!!

LAME HIEROGLYPHICS OF THE DAY (part 2)

Can you guess the uber-lame phrase from this collection of photo-symbols?

Hint: This can occur if you have too much vitamin B in your diet. Trust me.

Still don’t know what the symbols are telling you? Click on the comments to reveal the mystery statement. 

SO THE JEWISH PIE SAYS TO THE ITALIAN DOCTOR, “SURE THE PILLS HELPED MY SEX LIFE DOC, BUT I STILL HAVE A STICK UP MY ASS!”

Get it? It’s all about pies on a stick. The new guilty pleasure that’s sweeping the nation and has kicked the 2008 – 2010 cupcake craze to the curb. The name says it all. It’s basically a mini-pie in lollipop form. Here’s some gratuitous pie porn for your viewing pleasure.

Oh, and here’s where you can grab a piece of the pie…

… for $1 a pop ($12 for the whole bunch @ Skipping Skones)

STARVE A COLD OR BINGE A FEVER TO DEATH?

On Sunday afternoon I had the latter. I’m certain of it.  I felt achy, and had a slight temperature (99.6). So to help stop this raging sickness from polluting my body I ate a variety of nourishing foods like …

Hebrew National Bologna ($3.99 @ Big Apple Grocer)

4 -5 slices

Boar’s Head Oven Gold Turkey (not sure of deli counter price)

4 slices

Hellmann’s Dijionnaise ($3.59 @ Home Delivery Foods)

7-8 squirts

Loacker Dark Chocolate Quadratini (8-pack for $25.23 @ Amazon)

10 -12 squares

Hershey’s Special Dark Pieces (2 bags for $5.98 @ Miejer)

18 -24 pieces 

Chicken and Corn Egg drop soup  (sm. $1.85 @ Yummy House)

Half an Eggroll ($1.65 @ Yummy House)

Steamed pork/shrimp dumplings ($5.75)

8 dumplings

Skinny Cow Chocolate Fudge Brownie ($2.25 @ Home Delivery Foods)

... and a Pepto-Bismol chaser (for obvious reasons)

Please don’t judge. 

FYI … I’M 60% CLOSER TO EATING AN OREO VELVEETA SANDWICH WEARING A BABY BIB.

See what happens when you skip a day reading this blog. I know, riveting stuff, right? Just to bring everyone up to speed last week I launched a site called Bloggerdise.com.

Again it was developed (with 3 friends) to be a NON-PAYING / NON-ANALYTICS-JUDGING service that CONNECTS ANY BLOGGER with COMPANIES THAT WANT TO DO GIVEAWAYS. I should know, I talked to ‘em all myself. Here’s a snap shot of Bloggerdise in case you blanked out.

See, once you register you can scroll over each ad and get the direct link to the sponsors. And it’s totally FREE to join and use.

Sorry for the rehash. Anyhow, I said if I got 150 blog registers by Feb 1st I would eat an Oreo® with a generous application of Velveeta® while wearing a baby bib. Last I checked we were at 87 signups (and 58 companies).

SO WILL BE SHIRTLESS?

Still wrestling with that decision. The docs cleared me, but two things are stopping me…

- Uneven patches of chest hair

- I’m 40

Though I do feel like I’m in the best shape of my life (that won’t be saying much once you see me).

VIDEO OR PHOTOS?

Wow! Another toughie. Again if I’m cleared to go I’m leaning towards video (and some snap shots). What do you think America?

Again, thanks for checking out Bloggerdise. And if you haven’t you can click here. And here’s a FREE button for your troubles and to post (if you want). 

Oh, and sorry for making you nauseous on a Sunday morning. Toodles! 

NEED ANY MORE REASONS WHY BILLY DEE IS DA MAN? CHECK OUT THIS 1984 JET MAGAZINE ARTICLE.

Go Jet! No, not Jets. Sorry Gang Green, but you have nothing on silky smooth Billy Dee. Not like I found in this ’84 Jet magazine interview / article with Mr. Colt 45. At this part of his career Mr. Williams was joining the cast of Dynasty for the 6th (or was it the 7th?) season. 

Don’t really want to give the interview away (you can click here to read it), but he does talk about the sexy leading ladies he wants to do sweet love scenes with. 

And he also hints about his hot new ABC TV movie with leading lady Morgan Fairchild.  

And finally he dishes the dirt about his controversial bathtub scene with sexy costar Diahann Caroll. 

Oh of course you can expect plenty of Billy Dee’s nuggets of wisdom like the one below. You da man Billy!!!!!