Monday, November 29, 2010

10 SICK SIGNS TO WATCH FOR BEFORE YOUR KID SITS ON SANTA’S LAP


‘Tis the season for kids to get all pumped up to sit on some creepy old guy’s lap and tell him what they desire most. On the plus side, malls do provide a freshly laundered costume. On the negative side, they usually don’t screen or test perspective Santas for highly contagious diseases. But have no fear, one New York Jew is going to save Christmas by providing you with life-saving, sick Santa signs you should be on the look out for. 


Check for …
- Red bumps on Santa’s exposed skin.
- Santa intensely itching his waist or groin area.
- Sesame seed size brownish grey lice bugs crawling all over Santa.



Make sure Santa does NOT have…
- A dry cough.
- The chills (in a well heated area).
- Breathing difficulties.
- Muscle aches.



Look for…
- Round red irritated patches on Santa’s skin.
- A rash on Santa’s scalp, legs, or elbows.
- An abundance of dandruff on Santa’s real hair.

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48 comments:

  1. Our Santa's are usually just drunk!

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  2. These are all very helpful, but is there any way to assure he's not a Catholic priest or TSA employee? xo

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  3. Haha. I don't have kids and when I do, they won't believe in Santa as being real, but more of a tradition.

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  4. I think I'd be more concerned if he had a rise in his pants...

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  5. I knew there was a reason why I was always too afraid to sit on Santa's lap!

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  6. i've always wondered if some of the mall santas are pedophiles. hopefully not, but it wouldn't surprise me.

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  7. Mall santas are gross. Glad we don't have to deal with this.

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  8. Last year I had a Mall Santa who, while waiting in line and watching my daughter sit on his lap and get a picture......He never sed HO,HO,HO even once or Merry Christmas. But you know what he did say when the picture was being taken and they were asked to 'smile!'. Buddy looked at the camera and sed "Whos your daddy!". This is no joke.

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  9. Those dirty old Santa Fuckers aren't getting near my kids this year!

    I'll tell them he went on holiday with the rest of the midgets...er I mean elves.

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  10. honestly, the Santas at the malls around freak me out.

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  11. So the difference between a Santa and a homeless bum riddled with disease is a red suit, it seems?

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  12. Think I'll skip Santa and go straight to Mrs. Clause's lap. Unless of course she exhibits similar symptoms.

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  13. I can't believe people actually take the gig of Santa while they are sick. That is just...well sick!

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  14. Mall security guards need to read this--they could solve the whole problem by keeping a close eye on funky old Santa!

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  15. another truely helpful post, I never would have thunk of those

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  16. Good posts, i follow your blog everyday...

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  17. sugar likes it..kissy kissy..;)

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  18. Nice. Now I don't want to take my boys to see the jolly one. *sigh* Why can't things be "simple" like they used to be (not that they were...but I was).

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  19. I would never of though of checking out santa for sickness, he's suppose to be a jolly clean fella.

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  20. I've never sat on Santa's lap. I don't think I ever want to.

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  21. hahahahaha...thats sick. santas are all dirty old men

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  22. Damn, I wish I'd have read this yesterday BEFORE I exposed my kids to the deadly, contagious Santa. Crap.

    Well, I sanitized the hell out of them before and after, so hopefully we're good to go.

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  23. I always wondered where they got these santas from.

    I mean is it a volunteer job or what?

    So glad my kids are past the visiting santa phase.

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  24. I would love to meet a BAD Santa! ;)

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  25. Yuck! Now I don't want to go near a santa!

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  26. Oh yes... Very nice. Leave it to you to make Santa a perv. Miss me?

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  27. when you started speaking about sick santas, I was thinking something entirely different.

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  28. This really makes us wanna be more careful about those Santas

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  29. I have always been scared of sitting on santa's lap. I screamed when I was three and they tried a few more years and I never went again. My Aunt would have to take me somewhere else while the other kids did Santa.

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  30. I would hate for children to get fondled inappropriately by Santa if he had the SARS. That would just be wrong.

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  31. Reason #482 I'm glad I'm a Heeb.

    Thanks so much for making La Lamp Shade your Blog of the Day! I will wear the mantle with gravitas and humility.

    Raina
    If the Lamp Shade Fits

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  32. What about tattoos on the neck? ;)

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  33. Hahaha, awesome. Bad santa for the win.

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  34. All those years I let my kids sit on Santa's lap, now they are too old and you are just now telling me this!

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  35. I confess. I sat on a Santa's lap about three years ago...on a double dog dare. Yup. I did. Now if I had read this first, I may not have. Then I would have been called a pussy. Whew.

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  36. Too bad we are too old to believe in santa:)

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  37. Ah geez -- what happened to Santas like 'Miracle on 34th Street?'

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  38. I played Santa last year for two full days. Costume and all. Now you've got me wondering what people were thinking about me!

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  39. Actually I think there's no problem except with a Billy Bob Thornton Santa...always so creepy, and in SLING BLADE he wasn't acting!

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  40. Bad Santa is one of my favorite raunchy comedy movies. " That's some lip you got on you midget", makes lose it every time. I almost choked to death eating popcorn the first time I saw this movie. It is a "No Eating or Drinking" movie for sure.

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