Wednesday, November 17, 2010

OH NO I SAID TOO MUCH (an ongoing series)


Again, this is my version of the Monday Minute / Q& A stuff. The main difference is I’m not really answering questions. And the stuff I’m revealing will make you extremely uncomfortable borderline nauseous.

THIS WEEK’S TOPIC: MY TESTICLES

When I was a wee lad I used to play with my um wee wee...a lot. Since there was no internet I’d mostly stick to the Sunday circular stuff – JC Penny, Sears, and Macy’s catalogs. 

My second favorite hobby was playing a game I'd like to call... 

HERE COMES THE FREAKY PART
...forcing my testicles to switch places. Ladies if you don’t know what I’m talking about please ask a male companion. He’ll probably just wince and walk away.

WHY?
Honestly, I thought that if I was able to successfully switch the ball positions something magical would happen to me. Maybe I’d gain a mutant power (like the X-men), or I'd unlock some Narnia-ish magical door. Didn’t really care. I just thought that being able to switch my balls was my ticket to being special. 

FLASH FORWARD TO 2006
I’m wasted at some bar having this conversation with my friend (who’s also a smart-ass doctor)...

Doctor: So wait, let me get this straight…you think what?

Me: I can switch my balls at will.

Doctor: No, impossible.

Me: Ok, I haven’t done it yet, but I …

Doctor: Moron! Each testicle is connected to nerves and blood vessels. They can’t physically move. If you do, that's bad.


Me: How bad?

Doctor: Hospital bad. Finish your beer and let’s get the check.

[And that's how my dream died]


BONUS TRADING CARD (Collect ‘em all)

Stumble Upon Toolbar

39 comments:

  1. O_O That's bad....

    Ewwwwwwwww....Good think that my package is on the inside.

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  2. bahahahahaha!

    I laugh EVERY time I read your blog!

    ReplyDelete
  3. What a doosh. You know what man? Doctors do not know everything. And not everyones anatomy is the same. Maybe you can switch your balls at will! Never let go of the dream!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wait.. which KIND of "not from ball playing" made you develop the hernia? The kind where you try to make the boys switch places or the kind where you hit a ball in a team sport?

    ReplyDelete
  5. OMG, I'm shocked and speechless. Macy's had a catalog before the internet? xo

    ReplyDelete
  6. I can't say I've done the same, sorry. Interesting hobby though.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thinking of the pain I must winced a half a dozen times. Why would you do that to yourself?!?! More importantly, why would you tell us?!

    ReplyDelete
  8. My friend, you take thing to an upper level lol. Talking about getting erotic before internet, I used to love the lingerie section of the stores, they're full of pictures of sexy women. When I read what you write it's like remembering my childhood, we must be from the same generation.

    ReplyDelete
  9. i lol'd hard at the fact u posted all this online !! but since we're on the topic, i remember the Sears catalogues that used to sit around my parents house, i'd be lying if i said i didn't use them... and yes, i know what u mean about switching balls lol

    ReplyDelete
  10. :D
    I'd like a 'ticket to being special' too.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Supporting, but not because I'm a post clone.

    I'm supporting this blog because it's fucking god damn hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I still blush when I recall the time that mommy walked into the bathroom and caught me playing with my pee pee while looking at an issue of Big 'Uns that I found in daddy's closet. She smacked my hand, told me that what I was doing was dirty, and made me promise never to touch myself that way again. I remember it like it was only yesterday. In fact, it WAS yesterday!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Switching balls will get them all tangled up and you'll die of ball pain. Pretty magical if you ask me

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hmm. I'm only guessing the fixation on balls went to boobs as you got older and NO, you cannot switch a woman's breasts.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Yeah. It makes you special, but not in a good way. LMAO

    ReplyDelete
  16. I chuckled at your "Sunday circular stuff – JC Penny, Sears, and Macy’s catalogs" comment. I was GUILTY of that, growing up. Thankfully, the internet wasn't around at that time. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Guess we know what your super power of choice would be....

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hahahahahaha damn man, you make me laugh!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You really are helping prepare me for the future with my two sons. Will they really do this stuff??

    ReplyDelete
  20. I like your post and I would really like to see more of them!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Don't worry, I have faith in you. If you put your mind to it, you really can make your testicles switch places!

    ReplyDelete
  22. did we kill captcha yet? i really want to make sure he's dead. that is all!

    ReplyDelete
  23. I like your blog, please visit mine...

    ReplyDelete
  24. I can't stop laughing and my girlfriend won't stop staring at me.

    I don't think she'll be as amused as I am by your "superpower" though.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I'm sorry that your dream has died. I'm sure you can come up with a new one!

    ReplyDelete
  26. I almost hurt for you!!!!! (Well, I would, if I wasn't laughing so hard.....where do you come up with this stuff?!!!)

    ReplyDelete
  27. immediately my brain went to the movie waiting...and then I laughed

    ReplyDelete
  28. this post reminds me of my brother, who i'd catch all the time

    that macy's catalog is pretty hot by the way.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I cannot tell you how far my nuts are up inside me after reading this. I am going to have to ply them with some good porn to get them to forgive me. These posts are like watching a train wreck...you know the drill.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Oh god D: I actually had to stand up after thinking about that and take a breather.

    It's like that axe ball cleaner commercial where the lady makes the golf balls switch places like 10 times D:

    ReplyDelete
  31. My testicles just ascended to their original positions...
    I promised them that i wasn't even thinking about trying the switch, but they won't even answer me!
    thanks a ton!

    ReplyDelete

 
Custom Search