Again, this is my version of the Monday Minute / Q& A stuff. The main difference is I’m not really answering questions. And the stuff I’m revealing will make you extremely uncomfortable borderline nauseous.
THIS WEEK’S TOPIC: MY TESTICLES
When I was a wee lad I used to play with my um wee wee...a lot. Since there was no internet I’d mostly stick to the Sunday circular stuff – JC Penny, Sears, and Macy’s catalogs.
My second favorite hobby was playing a game I'd like to call...
HERE COMES THE FREAKY PART
...forcing my testicles to switch places. Ladies if you don’t know what I’m talking about please ask a male companion. He’ll probably just wince and walk away.
Honestly, I thought that if I was able to successfully switch the ball positions something magical would happen to me. Maybe I’d gain a mutant power (like the X-men), or I'd unlock some Narnia-ish magical door. Didn’t really care. I just thought that being able to switch my balls was my ticket to being special.
FLASH FORWARD TO 2006
I’m wasted at some bar having this conversation with my friend (who’s also a smart-ass doctor)...
Doctor: So wait, let me get this straight…you think what?
Me: I can switch my balls at will.
Doctor: No, impossible.
Me: Ok, I haven’t done it yet, but I …
Doctor: Moron! Each testicle is connected to nerves and blood vessels. They can’t physically move. If you do, that's bad.
Me: How bad?
Doctor: Hospital bad. Finish your beer and let’s get the check.
[And that's how my dream died]
BONUS TRADING CARD (Collect ‘em all)