Sunday, November 28, 2010

TO SAVE YOURSELF FROM BEING EATEN, WHAT ARE YOU BETTER OFF FEEDING A BEAR – YOUR PUPPY OR KITTEN?


“How could you even think I’d sacrifice my [insert your precious pet’s name]?”
That’s something I suspect you might ask me if we were having this conversation over a grande mocha java latte, rather than you reading this post.
Me personally, I’m all about self-preservation. I mean I just bought this guinea pig. Her name is Bailey.
I feed her. I care for her. And yes, I love her dearly. Though honestly, I wouldn’t think twice of using her as a fuzzy wuzzy pig-in-a-blanket if a bear was on my ass.
So back to the subject at hand, what should you feed the hungry grizzly bear? My vote would have to be the puppy. I am correct and I will show you my work to prove it. 



FIRST, I did a google search (see visual evidence below) about which animal has been eaten more times by a bear. Dogs got way more hits. 




SECOND, cats are better climbers. If the kitten is able to escape the clutches of the bear by climbing a tree then who do you think is next on the dinner menu?



BASED ON THIS EMPIRICAL DATA YOU CAN’T GO WRONG WITH FEEDING YOUR PUPPY TO THE BEAR. End of discussion. 

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31 comments:

  1. Hell ya! Cats can survive and dogs have to rummage trash cans. That picture of you--I thought it was a high school student. Man! Seriously? I want your retro-aging secret,dude! As always, I love the way your mind works. You're as fucked up inside as me. At least I know there's a general population of us at large.

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  2. Why don't you feed Bailey to the Bear instead? Guinea Pigs are generally overweight so the would be an easy juicy target.

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  3. oh god that guinea pig is adorable

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  4. But cats are so unspeakably evil. I say we round up as many cats as we can and methodically feed them to various wild animals. Not to save our oun lives, but just because we can.

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  5. Dogs can save your ass from burglars. I know firsthand.

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  6. you have an award on my post http://envii-h.blogspot.com/2010/11/award-giveaway.html

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  7. I think for the most part cats and bears can feed themselves. most puppies start crying and whining, so ya I'd feed the puppy :)

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  8. Cute photo of you and Bailey. That's all I've got to say on the matter. xo

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  9. Wow. Twisted post, to say the least. I however vote cat for the exact same reason you DON'T like them.

    Throw cat. Cat distracts bear. I run. Cat climbs. Bear climbs. I am out of harm's way by now. Much smaller cat gets safely from tree to tree. Much bigger bear cannot keep up with kitten.

    Me and kitten are safe. Kitten is angry at me, but safe.

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  10. Tends to be more meat on a puppy as well. And remember Snakes on a Plane? The little yip dog worked in a pinch.

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  11. You just murdered all my hopes and dreams. But you do make an awful lot of sense.

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  12. Lol i wouldn't feed the bear either I would just run to the hills!

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  13. Cats are easily the smarter of the two creatures...They rank higher on the food chain..no doubt.

    Betty is adorable!

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  14. ^ agrees with the above post. Get the hell outta there asap...lol, or play dead, which is what I heard that people should do when confronted by bears. Either that or miraculously produce a Stephen Colbert standee, which will repel bears with its inherent superpowers.

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  15. Only assholes can do this. I'd feed my favorite puppy to bear and let the kitten mourn 'Yeehaw' to my heart's content.

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  16. I believe puppies will provide more nutrients.

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  17. not my kitty cat =(

    good blog, I'm following.

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  18. Hey wait a minute....bears can climb trees, too, ya know!

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  19. I would feed the bear a swift punch to the nose. I could so take a bear.

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  20. Actually, I would offer myself. "Run Kitty! Run Puppy!". Yeah. Heart of marshmallow.

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  21. Love the look on your face in that picture

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  22. youtube "cat vs bear". Cats routinely beat up bears in front of cameras. Personally, I'd feed my bear to a cat trying to attack me.

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  23. Thanks to you and your superb researching skills, I will never fear being in a bear's presence again when I have my dogs with me. I'll be sure to always have at least two with me in case the bear doesn't get full on the first one.
    PS: Your mind is a magical thing. I love it very much.

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  24. Does this research also hold up in the case of a Zombie attack? Gotta cover all your bases, right.

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  25. Gee I hope I never come across a bear then...

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

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  26. It's gonna have to be the dog. Because if that cat senses danger, it's gonna have 20 claws so deep in your hand and arm that you aren't going to be able to throw him anywhere. Further, when it's all over, you may require medical intervention to have the cat surgically removed from your arm...

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  27. First of all if I am ANYWHERE near bear territory I'm gonna be packin'. Won't be no pet sacrificing on my watch, ya hear. My dogs is my kids. Besides, what good would it do to survive the bear attack by feeding a dog to the bear??? My wife would kill me for doing that anyway.

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