Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I’M 39 YEARS OLD AND I’M NO LONGER SCARED OF URINALS.


Unfortunately, I come from a long line of "irritable bowel syndrome" sufferers. Not sure how Jebediah Cohen took care of business back in the 1800s.  I just know my dad takes the wonder drug Flomax®.  Me personally, I have chalked my problem up to extreme stage fright as a result of alcohol consumption. If I get 4 or more brews in me (and I’m stuck in a crowded guy’s bar bathroom) I guarantee not one yellow drop will come out. Well that used to be the case. Now that I know the 3 secrets to unblocking my mental block, public peeing is a piece of cake. And as my gift to the blogosphere I’m dispensing my wisdom free of charge. If I can help just one scared peeing peep out there, it'll be worth it.

PLEASE NOTE: The following techniques are used to purely take your mind off the current task at hand. Try before you judge me.

#1 – READ YOUR ASS OFF: Anything that’s available on, above, or around the urinal. It could be the sports page the bar posts in the bathroom. The toilet company’s legalese stuck on the urinal.  Anything with words.

#2 – SING A CHEESY SONG TO YOURSELF: 80s ones are the best since they have lyrics. Not like the crap you kids listen to today [sorry, uncalled for]. Anyhow, make sure it’s a song you’re not so familiar with so you have to concentrate real hard to remember the words.

WARNING: THE LAST ONE IS QUITE DISTURBING


#3 – IMAGINE YOURSELF NAILING A MYTHICAL CREATURE: It could be a mermaid, unicorn, a centaur – whatever. Why a mythical creature? If you imagine a woman it might cause a rush of blood to come in and cock-block your urine (making it hard to piss). Meanwhile a magical creature will excite you yes, but also make you wonder where you would stick your “you know”. Usually when I imagine I’m climaxing is when the yellow stream is a go. Again, please don’t judge...it does work.  




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8 comments:

  1. CANNOT.STOP.LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!

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  2. I have stage fright and I'm a chick. I can't imagine being in a more public situation and having to do business without any privacy at all. I wish in this day and age they would do away with urinals, personally I think they are degrading and disgusting. Just saying, everyone deserves a door that locks even just for "making #1" :)

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  3. I'll remember this every time I have to use the urinal!

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  4. I think I am now more disturbed than ever...that damn unicorn picture in my head...won't.go.away. Ahhhhhhhhhhh

    http://www.apackalipsnow.blogspot.com

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  5. Oh...I can relate. Shy bladder here. I used to have to plug my ears and close my eyes....you know, the old "if I can't see or hear them, they're not there" trick.

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  6. Ugh, I hate having to use the urinal as well. I normally just wait for a stall to open up, faking like imma take a two, unless I HAVE to use the urinal. It's just such an odd fixture.

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