Got in trouble for my last post on “boob staring” with the guy tribunal. Wound up getting my dude-card suspended, but thankfully not revoked. Close call. And now here I am ignoring my warnings and giving you ladies the inside guy-scoop once again. The following transcript is from an actual lapdance. My lapdance. But before we continue let’s just get the, “UGH! YOU ARE SUCH A PIG FOR GOING TO A STRIP CLUB AND TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THOSE POOR YOUNG GIRLS!” tirade out of your systems. We done? Good. Let’s continue.
Setting: NAMELESS STRIP CLUB
Reason: Bachelor Party
Time: 11:42 PM
Cast of Characters:
- Lap dancer
- Drunk friends
I am now 4 beers and 2 shots into the night. FYI…the serious drinking occurred at the previous bar. [Strip clubs tend to overprice their beers.] The music is super loud. Lap dancers are circling the crowd looking for men to dance with. One spots me and heads over.
[I’m sitting at a table with my friends]
Lap Dancer: Hi.
Me: (nervous) Hey.
Lap Dancer: So can I interest you in a lap dance?
Me: (nervous) Um I’m not really sure. I just got here and…
Drunk Friend: NO!! Don’t listen to him!! He wants one. Go dude! Don't be a p*ssy!
Lap Dancer: Don’t be shy. C’mon. [pulls my hand playfully]
Me: I mean, we just got here and I feel bad leaving the groom-to-be.
Drunk Friend: Dude! Like I could give two sh*ts! GO! GO! She's hot.
Lap Dancer: Oh you're here for a bachelor party? Well I don't think your groom friend would mind if I borrow you for a bit [winks at my friends]. Follow me.
Lap dancer leads me to another secluded area of the bar. I sit down on a plush couch. The lap dancer (now topless) sits on my lap.
Lap Dancer: Now, it’s twenty a song. Ok?
Me: (mesmerized) Yeah no problem.
Song begins. The lap dancer starts to gyrate on my lap. Our eyes meet. She moves in slyly for a kiss then quickly moves a way. My hands are somewhere between her backside and buttocks. She twirls and lets her hair fall over my head. She smiles seductively and thrusts her boobs in my face. I have a mouthful of cleavage. I barely notice the first song is finished and now a new one has started. Again she repeats her sensual moves. She whispers in my ear. Asking me if I find her attractive. Her hands wander near my personal area, but she is careful not to touch. The song ends. She slowly rises from my lap.
Lap Dancer: (in a slight business-like tone) Let’s see, that’s 2 songs. So you owe me $40.
I take 2 crumpled twenties and 1 ten (for a tip) out of my pocket and hand it to her.
Lap Dancer: Awww, thanks so much sugar. You’re so cute. Give my best to the groom.
END SCENE (Please don’t tell your hubbies I said anything)