BACHELOR RECAP FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF A SOMEWHAT SEXIST HUSBAND FORCED TO WATCH THE SHOW.

by Nameless Dad (NWM Staff Writer)

Over the weekend I found a Bachelor video on youtube. Won some extra points from the Mrs. (zero points from the male race). It was an interview between Chris and Jake for the TV Guide Channel. As usual nothing was said that would give anything away. However, Jake did mention that his upcoming decisions might not be favorable with the female viewers. He definitely held true to that promise with last night’s episode.

ON TO THE RECAP…

Seems like just yesterday Jake was greeting the girls coming out of the limo, and now we’re already up to the “sex with 3 women on an exotic island” episode. In this case it’s the Isle of St. Lucia.

GIA (New Yawk hottie model): J & G take to the streets.  They drink freshly machete’d coconuts. Jake buys Gia a heart necklace that she swears to never remove from her body (nice foreshadow). They have a private dinner on the beach and Gia talks more about being screwed over by past boyfriends. Jake tells her she’s hot. Fantasy Suite card comes with dessert. They both say yes. Cut to Jake and Gia in a bubble bath. Gia’s wearing a bikini so no glimpse of bare, soapy boobage. 

TENLEY (shy hottie): J & T take a helicopter ride around the island. They land in some rain-foresty area and have a picnic. T starts to get ex-husband crazy when the Fantasy Suite card hits the table. Tenley then composes herself and decides to be a trooper and give the night of unbridled passion a whirl.  

VIENNA (meh face hot body): J&V spend the day on a pirate ship (The S.S. Heavy Petting). Jake fires off a cannon, then makes V walk the plank. At dinner Vienna admits she loves Jake. 2 sec. later they make a mad dash to the Fantasy Suite. As a special “take me to the final 2” bonus, Vienna dresses up in sexy lingerie.

THE STAGED PHONE CALL

The “coming up” teaser hinted that Ms. Account Exec. was going to make an appearance on the island, but that turned out NOT to be the case. Jake (while taking a needed break from the sex) gets the expected call from Ali. She tells him she made a horrible mistake. Ali even says she’s willing to fly right down to the islands. Jake thinks for a second, then says it's too little too late and thanks her for calling. CUT to Ali devastated and crying (milking votes for next season's Bachelorette).

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY:

Jake gets video messages from each of the three ladies. “Blah, blah, blah, blah, I never felt this way, blah, blah, falling in love with you, blah blah.”

 

ROSE CEREMONY:

As expected (except by my wife) Jake sends Gia packing. Basically he faults her for never fully opening up to him. Surprisingly she agrees.

 

NEXT WEEK: Ladies return for a Bachelor Bitch-Fest!