MISS PRISON BITCH 2010

I think I welled up once (or 14 times) when I saw that documentary on crazy mothers addicted to entering their little girls in beauty contests. These moms would literally slap on like 8 coats of makeup and tease up their kid’s hair with 4 cans of Final Net. To me, it just seems wrong. Of course, this is purely the opinion of a New York, Jew Democrat. So yes, I might be a tad opinionated, possibly elitist on the subject. In fact, if I ever sat down with any of these ladies (at a Waffle House or something) I might even entirely change my tune.

That being said…there are beauty contests out there that truly make me feel “show me on the doll where he touched you” uncomfortable. And dollars to Krispy Kreme donuts I bet I’d get 99% of those pageant moms to side with me.

MISS PRISON: Apparently sexy Siberian inmates (at a prison near Novosibirsk) compete to see whose the most gorgeous of the guilty. The winner gets a tiara and possibly freedom (depending of the parole board.) Truth be told, the real name of the pageant is called Miss Spring. There’s even a documentary about it called Miss Gulag.

MISS HOOKER: LA artist Natalia Fabia hosts a yearly pageant that attracts lovely hopefuls with names like Miss Squirt and Miss Platinum Puss.

MISS ATOM: A Russian-run beauty contest that is open to all women who work at nuclear power plants. No Bolshevik!