Saturday, May 1, 2010


There is an art to it. Trust me. I’m a 39 yr. old Jew and I’ve just gotten the hang of it. Today’s lesson is BAGELS. I’m sure you know what a bagel is, but just in case, that’s the bread shaped like a donut. Class begin!


Step 1. Walk into the bagel store. Trust me, not as easy as it sounds. Most of the good ones are packed on the weekends. The line usually starts at the register and goes the length of the deli counter.

Step 2. Be alert. At this point you should understand there are multiple deli guys working the counter. Each one speaks very fast. So just be ready. Even if the line is still long it could simply mean the people in front of you already had their orders taken and are waiting to pay.

Step 3. The order. Don’t whisper it. Show authority and be clear. That way they’ll get your order right. This is probably how it will go down word for word (being a first timer)…

Deli Guy: You ready?

You: Yep, I’ll have a bagel with…

Deli Guy: What kind of bagel? Poppy, everything, egg...

You: Plain.

Deli Guy: What you want on it?

You: Um, I’ll have lox cream cheese and tomato.

Deli Guy: You want lox and cream cheese and tomato?

You: No, no, sorry, I meant the lox spread* and tomato.

Deli Guy: Great! Here you go. Pay at the register. Who’s next?


Common slip up with first time Jewish bagel orders. People that want the lox (bits of salty fish) cream cheese will say just that. BAD!!! The deli guy will think you mean lox with cream cheese. That means he’ll give you strips of real lox, which is really expensive. So just remember lox spread and you’ll be fine. See bagel photo for reference.

That’s it. You just learned how to order your first JEWISH BAGEL. Any questions? Please, please, one at a time!

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  1. Ok, I happen to LOVE real lox and since I don't get a schmear very often (trying to be carb conscious, you know), when I do, I go for the gold.

    Now I'm salivating. And pretending my protein shake right here is a bagel w/ lox and cream cheese....argh....

  2. Man, I haven't had a bagel in months. NYC has awesome bagels, but I have to admit LI kicks ass in the bagel department.

    Ugh, lox are kinda icky though.

    Did I ever tell you about the early morning I found myself roaming the streets of Plainview after a rave and ordered a bacon, egg and cheese on a bagel at a Kosher deli? Oy vey! What a dumbass! Leave it to me! Deli guy was like, "Look kid, all's I got is fakin' bacon, you kiddin' me?" Doh!!!!

  3. I'll pass on the lox, but i need a bagel now. maybe two...

  4. I toil not on the sabbath day!

    I love bagels but I've never cared for the fishy spreads. I'm good with the plain cream cheese. Dang it man now I want a bagel!

  5. Make mine plain, with lots of butter!

  6. When I want a nosh, I love a good everything bagel and lox spread. Are you crazy? It's the perfect food I tell you. Ummm, so geshmak, I love 'em. They don't love me, though. Oy, the stories I could tell you. Great post, bubbee! Mazel tov!

  7. Hey, great advice! I make my own bagels, but I've never heard of the spread combo--cool!

  8. So THAT'S what lox is. Who knew?!


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