So I am a Jew. Duh. You’ve probably read about it in ad nauseum in my other posts. But hey, that doesn’t mean I’m above sinning (except to Mel Gibson). In the regular world we Jews partake in what’s called YOM KIPPUR. Simple holiday really. All you do is fast for 24 hours (no food or water) and God inscribes you in the book of life. In English – God forgives you of your sins.
Since I’ve started blogging I’ve been posting weird things for the world (6 viewers) to see. Some of my freaky stuff I have second-guessed the morality once the deed is e-done. To be honest, I wouldn’t mind someone to confess these e-sins to. Which is why I got us Father Salvador Giovanni – the very first priest of the blogosphere. 
If no one objects I’ll be the first one to go. Then you guys can go next. Cool?
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned, it has been 39 years since my last…well actually I’ve never gone to confession. I’m Jewish.
Father: What say you my son?
Me: This is the part where I list my sins, right?
Father: Yes.
Me: Ok, well, some of my posts I might have tended to stretch the truth a wee bit for comedic purposes, and to nab followers.
Father: Your sins are…
Me: Not done yet.
Father: Forgive me. Please continue.
Me: I have used the Lord and Jesus’s name in some semi-demented posts. Again, to get more viewers.
Father: Ok. Any mo…
Me: On occasion, I have stepped over the line when commenting on other blogs. Like I might have been a bit too flirty or dirty. For these and all the blog-sins of my past I am truly sorry.
Father: Well my son, say 10 Hail Marys and try your best to refrain from the blog sins you have confessed to.
Me: Oh cool, I’ll wiki the Hail Mary thing.
Father: Your sins are forgiven, go in peace.
Me: Ok, now here’s the deal. I got you for the whole day. So whoever shows up you need to absolve their sins too. Cool?
Father: Yes. Just need to go to the bathroom first. Where is...
Me: Yeah sure, second door on the right. Thank you so much Father.
Who’s next?
Forgive me:
ReplyDeleteI truly love Jennifer Aniston...can that even be a bad thing? (Other than the lust part)
I have hate in my heart during football season (especially since Brett is gone).
I don't always separate my colors and whites when washing clothes. In fairness, most of my stuff is color fast.
I do use swear words in my blog posts but only for emphasis...that's like using them for good not evil right?
I hate the success of the STM blog...I could do that same shit after a 12 pack of Shiner...sorry about the shit thing. I might be coveting some stuff with this one.
Otherwise I'm good, so just clean that slate and I can go about my day. Hail Mother Mary!
http://www.apackalipsnow.blogspot.com
I thought that's why all the girl bloggers loved you, Jesse. For being dirty and flirty.
ReplyDeleteI once lied in confession. Actually, I lied many times because the truth would have killed the priests and we had to go face-to-face with them in their chambers - they totally knew which kid was which since it was a Catholic school :( I would say, "My mom wants me to be on this diet, and I ate a Twix bar" -- instead of, "I had impure thoughts about David and made out with Eddie in the church balcony." Ha ha!
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ReplyDeleteHail Mary full of grace
ReplyDeletethe lord is with thee
Blessed art thou among women
and blessed is the fruit of thy whom Jesus.
Holy Mary mother of God pray for us sinners
Now and at the hour of our death
Amen
No need to Google it!
I've said it in confession 1 billion times, let me know if you need the Our Father or the Act of Contrition. Want to go through the Stations of the Cross?
That's right fucker, this Crazy Brunette is a prim and proper bitch, raised up in Catholic School! Ha!
-CB
Go with God, Copyboy. Go with God. (Leave the priest behind! Go with God and get a piece of pie.)
ReplyDeleteCan't I just beat my breasts like all good Jews do on Yom Kippur? Alright, here goes: I posted a picture of me and Jake in a boatlike plane in the water at a palace on my last blog posted. I didn't actually take a boatlike plane ride with my Jake. I'm done, here comes Jake.
ReplyDeleteHeh, loved this.
ReplyDeleteWhat have I done that's sinful? Um,same thing with the colors. Also sometimes I over tweeze my brows.
Fasting for 24 hours?
ReplyDeleteIs it permissible to sleep through it?
Surely you have more to confess after 39 years! Don't hold back, fess up.
ReplyDeleteThis takes me back to the days when I went to confession (as a good little Catholic girl....pffffttt....who am I kidding? I went because my mother made me!) I don't miss those days. I think if I were to step foot inside a Catholic church today the walls would come tumblin' down on my big fat head. (Which is a good reason not to go.)
ReplyDeletewow, fasting for 24 hours!? Really? I don't think I could do that! I'm not Catholic so I've never been to "confession," but if we're confessing our blog sins....
ReplyDeletePlease forgive me for posting the snotty blog post about my cousin.... she did see it and it started ww3.
I'm an online ordained minister.... I forgive you Jesse.... You can pass on the Hail Mary's....
ReplyDeleteI don't wash my hands every time I use the bathroom.
ReplyDeleteI pick my nose and wipe it on strangers.
I google naked pics of hot celebs.
I eat other peoples lunches.
I lie about my sins.
Confession is for pussies. Kidding - sort of. We should all live with what we have done - there is no forgiveness except that which we can justify to ourselves.
ReplyDelete