A SNOBBY NEW YORKER’S GUIDE TO MAKING BATHTUB GIN.

The wife and I were invited to a Memorial Day BBQ yesterday out in Long Island. Of course we couldn’t come empty handed so we brought cupcakes from a Crumbs (NY gourmet bakery). Other people brought fancy cakes, microbrews, and ambrosia (fruit salad for snooty people). Like all decent, NY democrats we discussed finance, world issues, and how sad life is in the red states. We even imagined what a red state BBQ might be like. A party filled with NASCAR paper products, roadkilled critters on the grill, and domestic beers in cans. I looked over at my scrumptious, expensive cupcakes and wondered if they’d be accepted at a Red State BBQ. I assumed no, and that I’d probably have to bring my own version of Bathtub Gin. That's the popular red state wine made of Juniper berries and crap alcohol – mixed in a bathtub. Here’s how my vintage differs.

Ingredients:

- Ceramic bathtub

- Organic fruit wedges (lime, lemon, oranges, etc.)

- 1 bag of shaved ice

- Hennessy Brandy

- 3-4 bottles of 2005 Chateau Cambon la Pelouse (red wine to you red staters)

Instructions:

Have housekeeper clean the tub. Next, add the wine, fruit, and ice. Stir everything while adding 8 shots of brandy. Let the mixture sit for 2 hours. After, bottle your precocious blend in fine Baccarat Crystal. Decorating with a silk, burgundy bow is optional. 
You're welcome.